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  • HTannor
    America's Most Fair and Balanced Judge
    True Christian™
    • Jun 2009
    • 2612

    #1

    There are NO shortcuts to Heaven!!!

    Last Saturday I was motoring home and happened to drive by the Barnes and Noble store. I suddenly remembered I hadn’t seen the most recent issue of Guns and Ammo. I parked in their lot and walked into the store.

    I was fortunate to find my magazine and also picked up the latest issue of Soldier of Fortune.

    My interest piqued in what else might be available, I went into the Bible section and my attention was immediately focused on this abomination:


    I was flabbergasted. Opening the book, this is what faced me:

    Genesis 1

    1In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
    2And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
    3And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
    4And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.
    5And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
    6And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.
    7And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.
    8And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.
    9And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.
    10And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.
    Synopsis: God created the heaven and the earth. Then He lit it up. And splashed some water around.

    11And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
    12And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
    13And the evening and the morning were the third day.
    14And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:
    15And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.
    16And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.
    17And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,
    18And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.
    19And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.
    Synopsis: Bunch of stuff about numbering the days and the start of weed season.

    20And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.
    21And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
    22And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.
    23And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.
    24And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.
    25And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
    Synopsis: Finally some fauna to go with the flora.

    26And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
    27So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
    28And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.
    29And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.
    30And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.
    31And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.
    Synopsis: Continuation of the numbering of the days. Then some dude shows up.

    I was appalled. How can this blasphemy be allowed to see the light of day?

    I immediately went home, took a double hit of my nitroglycerine tablets, sat down and wrote a letter to the editor of the local newspaper expressing my extreme displeasure at this outrage.

    Brothers and Sisters, I write this with a heavy heart and need your advice.

    Feeling that my letter to the press may not be accepted for publication by that liberal rag, what more can I do?
    The Honorable HTannor (Pro NRA, Anti-Homer Marriage), Judge, Freehold Supreme Court

    "Credo elvem etiam vivere"
  • Ezekiel Bathfire
    Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance
    Christ's Rottweiler
     
    • Jan 2008
    • 22912

    #2
    Re: There are NO shortcuts to Heaven!!!

    Brother Tannor, it almost seems as if someone has been mocking The Holy Bible! I did summarize God's Word here for the rather air-headed Mistress Cookie (whose heart was, nonetheless in the right place.)
    sigpic


    “We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

    Author of such illuminating essays as,
    Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.

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