How to witness to a mooselimb

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Chick Publications does it again! Read here about how to witness, and how not to witness, to followers of the false religion of Is-lame. In particular, that article includes the following invaluable tip:

What went wrong? By using the Qur’an as the authority, you are rejecting the Bible as the sole authority. The only true way to witness with the Qur’an is to show its contradictions!

Mohammad Al Ghazoli’s new book, Christ, Muhammad & I is a good place to find them. Show them how contradictory their book from Allah is. Then show them the amazing consistency and clarity there is in the Bible.

What a brilliant idea! Praise Jesus for Chick Publications!

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: How to witness to a mooselimb

Chick Publications does it again! Read here about how to witness, and how not to witness, to followers of the false religion of Is-lame. In particular, that article includes the following invaluable tip:



What a brilliant idea! Praise Jesus for Chick Publications!

This publication may also work for atheists too. All too often atheists are sadly ignorant on how The Bible clearly and concisely explains everything. If Brother Jack delivers like he has in the past this latest publicans will put the nail in the coffin of two false beliefs.

[Wash O'Hanley]

Re: How to witness to a mooselimb

I still don't like the word "Soul-winner" that Jack Chick uses in his articles, it conjures up images of a Christian and a Muslim holding each other and crying while the Muslim says something like "How could I have been so blind?". What I'm trying to say is that it sounds a little... fruity.

I prefer the phrase "Soul-Conqueror". The very phrase arouses thoughts of a muscle-clad Marine bearing a machine gun, two ammo belts wrapped around his rippling chest, several grenades on his belt and a knife in a holster on his leg crashing through a conveniently placed window in a ceiling onto a stereotypical Muslim with a big beard, a white robe and a diaper on his head. The Soul-Conqueror then says an awesome one-liner like "Where's you God now, Abu?" and then impales the Muslim on his bayonet and heaves him out of a 40-story window onto a parked car. Not only is that kind of unnecessary violence completely awesome but it would surely win more souls to Christ than these sob stories and "soul-winning" garbage that isn't even fit for a Lifetime channel movie.

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: How to witness to a mooselimb

Honestly in my opinion it isn't even worth trying to minister to these Unsaved Trash. Perhaps it is just my weary bones speaking, but it is a scientific fact that once these morans are introduced to "Logic" and "Critical Thinking" that their soul has a 97.99% chance of going straight to Hell. This is not to say that a life-changing event or other intervention of God could save their miserable souls, but I have become so sick and tired of being called names and such. At this point I am with Brother Trent and I say just send them home to judgement and let Jesus sort it out. It truly weakens the spirit: the persecution just makes my Dom Perignon almost un-enjoyable. Come quickly Lord Jesus and take us to Heaven!

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: How to witness to a mooselimb

I believe our Godly Military has the right idea, blow up their mosques:

http://columbiacitypaper.blogspot.com/2007/05/military-laughs-while-blowing-up-mosque.html

Perhaps Brother Trent can get an RFP from Halliburton to replace them all with True Christian™ churches.

Glory!
Praise Jesus!

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: How to witness to a mooselimb

Once any group of religious fanatics close their minds to progressive, forward-looking principles as espoused by Christianity, they go off at wild tangents, making up imaginary gods, acting without regard to innocent people, invading foreign countries and setting the stage for a nuclear holocaust.

As Christians, it is our duty to stop them by any means necessary. We have been mollycoddling these ragheads long enough. It's time to nuke 'em and be done with it.

"But Pastor" whine the peacenik Canuckistanis. "Who will run the oil wells if they are all radioactive?" Simple, friends. the Afrikins. They are all dying of AIDS anyway, so why not give them a tablet or two and a few bottles of water a day and let them work in the oil fields until they drop? They are goners no matter what. After that, there is a lot of free labor in India and China. We just have to persuade them to move to the desert and become one with radiation. The obvious choice is "Would you rather see the world, or die of radiation in your own village without ever having taken a vacation?"

It's a simple choice. Christianity=Sanity

[Trent Harvey, Jr.]

Re: How to witness to a mooselimb

I believe our Godly Military has the right idea, blow up their mosques:

Perhaps Brother Trent can get an RFP from Halliburton to replace them all with True Christian™ churches.

No need to be impatient, Rome wasn't built in a day. Today my main business has been to clear away a slum to make way for a new four-star hotel. Before I could find a decent demolition company, some volunteer did it for free, making clever use of some unexploded bombs in the process. Brilliant example of free-market innovation: who needs a wrecking ball when there's a 2000 pound JDAM sitting there already?

So, the slum is gone and a four-star hotel will soon rise in its place. (The way to end poverty is to make Iraq friendly for foreign investors, you see.) I expected some of the inhabitants of the slum would complain about losing their homes, but they all just vanished: I guess they moved to the suburbs.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: How to witness to a mooselimb

No need to be impatient, Rome wasn't built in a day. Today my main business has been to clear away a slum to make way for a new four-star hotel. Before I could find a decent demolition company, some volunteer did it for free, making clever use of some unexploded bombs in the process. Brilliant example of free-market innovation: who needs a wrecking ball when there's a 2000 pound JDAM sitting there already?

So, the slum is gone and a four-star hotel will soon rise in its place. (The way to end poverty is to make Iraq friendly for foreign investors, you see.) I expected some of the inhabitants of the slum would complain about losing their homes, but they all just vanished: I guess they moved to the suburbs.

Who can deny the value of private sector solutions for public problems after reading this article?

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: How to witness to a mooselimb

So, the slum is gone and a four-star hotel will soon rise in its place. (The way to end poverty is to make Iraq friendly for foreign investors, you see.)

Good work, Brother Trent. I just got back from the Kabul Serena, any word if it will be like that?

[Sister Noddy]

Re: How to witness to a mooselimb

Once any group of religious fanatics close their minds to progressive, forward-looking principles as espoused by Christianity, they go off at wild tangents, making up imaginary gods, acting without regard to innocent people, invading foreign countries and setting the stage for a nuclear holocaust.

As Christians, it is our duty to stop them by any means necessary. We have been mollycoddling these ragheads long enough. It's time to nuke 'em and be done with it.

It's a simple choice. Christianity=Sanity

It's obvious this is the only choice, Pastor, a Godly example of True Christian™ logic and reason!

You tell 'em like it is, Pastor Al!

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: How to witness to a mooselimb

So, the slum is gone and a four-star hotel will soon rise in its place. (The way to end poverty is to make Iraq friendly for foreign investors, you see.) I expected some of the inhabitants of the slum would complain about losing their homes, but they all just vanished: I guess they moved to the suburbs.

This is a wonderful use of what the civilian sector calls 'economic development' and the military calls a 'force multiplier'. My question though, is to whom will this 4 star hotel cater? Not to rich ragheads who have lush palaces; not to Americans on a Carnival Cruise. Probably not even to Danishers and Canucks who are generally oblivious to local conditions wherever they go.

I suppose all the Dell tech support people who took our jobs will go there from India. I wish I hadn't lost that video of the tech support lady.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: How to witness to a mooselimb

This is a wonderful use of what the civilian sector calls 'economic development' and the military calls a 'force multiplier'. My question though, is to whom will this 4 star hotel cater? Not to rich ragheads who have lush palaces; not to Americans on a Carnival Cruise. Probably not even to Danishers and Canucks who are generally oblivious to local conditions wherever they go.

I suppose all the Dell tech support people who took our jobs will go there from India. I wish I hadn't lost that video of the tech support lady.

This is indeed a complicated question Pastor, but I assure you that the joos have explained this to me in excruciating detail that I will herein try to simplify. Our Godly President GWB promised the American people that this entire war in Iraqistan would be paid for by the oil over there.

The oil in Iraq is our oil but it just happens to be over there for two reasons. Our scientists tell us that during the last 6000 years something called plate tectonics have moved that desert nation to its present location. Secondly, after the two World Wars in the last century the British mistakenly drew up the borders that comprise present day Iraq. This is why Tony Blair knew it was his moral obligation to assist us in this war. The process of getting our oil will be long and complicated (but aided by the tireless work of people like our Brother Trent Harvey Jr.). The aging oil infrastructure needs to be updated and expanded. The new Iraqi military needs to be built up (to defend and protect our oil from the ambitions of Iran) and re-supplied with arms that were destroyed in the liberation (not to mention that they were originally obsolete Russian arms to begin with). Then there is the general Iraq infrastructure; bridges, power plants, government buildings, ministries, and roads that all need improvements and re-building after the war.

We will be paying Iraq for all the oil we import from them, but they will be using that money to buy arms from us as well as contracts for consultants and contractors for all the work we will be doing over there. They will also use that money to buy our T-Bills (which helps our debt that was used to finance the war) to back up their new currency that we set up after the war. They will then use the T-Bill reserves to issue new debt that will give rise to a booming Iraqi economy. All that "oil" money comes right back to the American economy and provides jobs and wealth to Americans.

All this economic activity will require that vast numbers of investors, consultants, contractors, diplomats and armies of bureaucrats travel to Iraq during the next 20-30 years. They will need some place to stay and a four star hotel is certainly appropriate (any True Christian™ knows that "roughing it" is defined as a three star Holiday Inn).

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: How to witness to a mooselimb

Brother Bryan, that makes perfect sense, but only if the Islamaboids are redacted from the earth. I sincerely hope that our GODLY President and his slave Condi took my suggestions seriously during the weekly conference call from we who lead the Presidential Prayer Team.

[vestal_mastecation (On Moderation)]

Re: How to witness to a mooselimb

I thought that the whole point of witnessing to Muslims was to win their souls for Christ, not to bomb them back to the stone-age simply because you are obsessed with some stinking fossil fuel!

[Trent Harvey, Jr.]

Re: How to witness to a mooselimb

I thought that the whole point of witnessing to Muslims was to win their souls for Christ, not to bomb them back to the stone-age simply because you are obsessed with some stinking fossil fuel!

#1. it's hard to bomb someone into the stone age when they were hardly there to begin with. You know what they build their houses with here? Mud! That's why they're called "mudslums!"

#2. Oil doesn't stink when you consider the alternatives. Maybe you'd have more appreciation for SUVs once you've tried walking behind a herd of camels, or sitting next to a brown person on a bus! Gimme smog any day!

#3. Try reading the Bible:

And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron. (Judges 1:19)

God demands that our enemies remain in the stone ages, because if they gain iron-age technology, God won't be able to make us win victories against them. So yes, it says right there in the Bible "whole point of witnessing to Muslims is to bomb them back to the stone-age."