[Elmer G. White]

Re: The New Jet Aircraft for Pastor Zeke Committee.

Okay, now I'm losing patience people. Did any of you see THIS headline in today's Christian News?

If God can tell that coon Creflo's Board to buy him a plane, then WHY CAN'T MINE!!??

Dear Pastor,

This is bad news. I am going to quadruple my efforts at the local charity, where I eatpreach with my family 4-5 times a week. While the people there are not very wealthy, they are beginning to show interest in their fate in Eternity and I think there are several dollars to be gained there.

Deuteronomy 14:22
Thou shalt truly tithe all the increase of thy seed, that the field bringeth forth year by year.

For our Brethren and Sisters I suggest something like this:


Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: The New Jet Aircraft for Pastor Zeke Committee.

Okay, now I'm losing patience people. Did any of you see THIS headline in today's Christian News?

If God can tell that coon Creflo's Board to buy him a plane, then WHY CAN'T MINE!!??

Eloquently stated as always, Pastor Zeke.

This is a serious setback for Landover Baptist. We need to crank up our giving and get Pastor Zeke his Airbus NOW. I heard that Creflo Dollar is following this fund raising effort of ours and decided to ridicule us by announcing his Gulfstream.

There is a little beacon of hope. When you read the story, you can see Creflo has not actually raised the $70 mill he needs for his plane. I think he is bluffing. We can still raise our millions, order the Airbus and Creflo's supporters will throw in the towel. Let's get going folks.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: The New Jet Aircraft for Pastor Zeke Committee.

Could one of our people have a word with the FBI or whoever it is that deals with these matters and get my husband's STA (Supplementary Tithing Account) unfrozen? They are making a lot of fuss about nothing, there was no question of the money having been in the laundry and it has never been used for any purpose other than what it says on the account. As for where he got it from, half was from Liechtenstein and the other half from Belize.

Once this is sorted out, Matthew will be more than happy to cough up his share.

[Eternal Flame]

Re: The New Jet Aircraft for Pastor Zeke Committee.

Good members, at which bank does the Landover community do business? I would like to make a substantial deposit.

[James Hutchins]

Re: The New Jet Aircraft for Pastor Zeke Committee.

Having had my unfortunate situation of last spring resolved, and through devout prayer, I want it to be known, I'll match every dollar donated. I want to see Landover raise $40M and I'll match it. My little investment in the foolhardy 'Ebola Treatment' has paid off and if a darkie can have a $65M plane, our beloved Pastor should have a $80M one!
In anticpation of this, I put a call in to my old fraternity brother, Nicholas Chabrajaand had us moved to the top of the list. Do not embarrass me Landover, I extended myself and stand erect in my adoration of Gods Will. Let's have Him at it.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: The New Jet Aircraft for Pastor Zeke Committee.

Finally, the popular press is starting to recognize the importance of quality aircraft for big-time preachers like Pastor Zeke. The article I found today properly makes fun of Creflo Dollar.

He claims he needs a Gulfstream to haul food to needy countries. This is so laughable because the Airbus we are buying for Pastor Zeke would hold several Gulfstreams. And, Pastor Zeke will not be hauling cheap food to people who can find their own with a little effort.

All things considered, this is contributes to the issue of Pastors and their aircraft:

Top 10 Things a Pastor Can Do With His New Gulfstream Jet

Posted: 06/08/2015 9:53 am EDT Updated: 06/08/2015 9:59 am EDT



ASSOCIATED PRESS

Being a mega-church pastor is a very demanding job. With all those fundraisers, and book tours, and real estate deals.... Sometimes it seems like it's almost impossible to find time to get on TV to ask people for money, let us know about their new book, and start a new capital campaign. These guys have so much to worry about! The LAST thing these men of God need to be worrying about is getting to the airport early and trying to find a seat on a commercial flight with the rest of those reprobates in first class.... Or-God forbid-even trying to wedge yourself in between a couple of runny-nosed schlubs in COACH. Lord knows the only "Coach" in the life of a mega-church pastor is his wife's handbag....
Some of you may have already heard about Creflo Dollar, the pastor of Atlanta's giant World Changers Church International, asking for financial help to "achieve our goal to purchase the Gulfstream G650 airplane." Well, it looks like they're going to get it.... The G650 goes for a cool $65 million, but don't worry-If a Church buys it, they don't have to pay any tax on it. It's a nice jet -- WAY better than those crappy $18 million Learjets that are barely fit for those Scientologist hobos Travolta and Cruise to fly. God's men deserve only the very best. And after 200,000 people commit to "sow" $300 or more, Pastor Dollar will finally be flying in the style he -- and Jesus -- deserves.



Here are some ways that a $65 million jet can be used by a pastor to further the Kingdom of God:

1. He can finally have a straight flight to bring medical supplies to Africa without having to lay over in Tampa.
2. It doubles as a nice, quiet place to read the Bible.
3. He and his wife can finally enter the Mile-High-Club on a king-sized mattress as God intended, and not some cramped, stinky bathroom. #MissionaryPosition
4. Two words: FULL BAR! And the cool thing is that the wine in the airplane bar can be used in a pinch for Communion....
5. The seats have really nice night lights, so you can do devotions at night.
6. The prisoners he visits will be hella impressed.
7. Ample cargo space can be filled with food for the homeless folks who might live near the airport. And the money they saved on the religious tax exemption can be used to start a soup kitchen to feed the poor.
8. Able to have fun buzzing the tower with his associate pastor, Goose (Negative, Holy Ghost Rider, the pattern is full).
9. His $5000 suits won't come out of all wrinkly, like they do when you have to check your luggage like the commoners.
10. Can finally prove, once and for all, that God blesses the faithful with great riches.

He works in mysterious ways, you guys... If you have more good ideas for things that belong on this list, please post them in the comments.

[Roland]

Re: The New Jet Aircraft for Pastor Zeke Committee.

[...]Top 10 Things a Pastor Can Do With His New Gulfstream Jet.

[...]He works in mysterious ways, you guys... If you have more good ideas for things that belong on this list, please post them in the comments.

Two ideas were missing in your list, thought I would mention them.

Actually - have you planned to make a weapon room?



You must also have opportunities to relax, after hard GOD's work!!!

This is certainly a must-have! Perhaps we can add yet another feature: Gun turrets!

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: The New Jet Aircraft for Pastor Zeke Committee.

Two ideas were missing in your list, thought I would mention them.

The Committee appreciates those suggestions. Pastor Zeke has a security staff and they have a lot of pull at the Design Subcommittee.

One thing unresolved is whether Pastor Zeke's plane needs some kind of missile defense capability. Our First Capitan thinks not, that he can out maneuver missiles. I'm not sure about that.

I'm sure we won't learn anything about missile defense from Creflo Dollar because he is not a threat to the Muslims or any other religion. Waste a missile shooting down Creflo Dollar's Gulf Stream?? Ha Ha. That's a good one.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: The New Jet Aircraft for Pastor Zeke Committee.

Creflo Dollar is now trying to fund his airplane by getting money from atheists. He is saying God does "not punish for sins, but corrects."

Atheists, Wiccans, Jews and Hindus are delighted with that.

http://www.christianpost.com/news/god-corrects-but-does-not-punish-says-creflo-dollar-world-has-twisted-perception-of-what-we-think-god-is-like-140289/

[Impala 67]

Re: The New Jet Aircraft for Pastor Zeke Committee.

What about selling God prosper seeds like Mike Murdock? Then we all can buy some, make a fortune and donate it all to LBC.

JHL.
jesus is the true way.

[Elmer G. White]

Re: The New Jet Aircraft for Pastor Zeke Committee.

Excellent news! Bacause of Pastor Zeke's spiritually sound and unprecedented Mission to North Korea, and the beneficial cooperation we've had with the local Creation Scientists, the North Korean leader Mr. Un has contacted our department in order to support the absolutely necessary jet purchase. The frequent visits by Pastor Zeke to Korea would thus be much more simple to arrange for the benefit of all involved.

The sum mentioned was approximately 7,000,000,000 ₩ and at the current exchange rate of 4000 ₩/$, this would yield 1.75 million $. It has come to my attention that the local population rejoices over the chance to allocate some of their surplus food money to this noble cause! In addition, Mr. Un is no stranger to private jets and his staff can assist with the decorations and other paraphernalia if needed.



Mr. Un will undoubtedly be among the principal staff of Jesus and working directly under Pastor Zeke's command come Rapture!

Isaiah 55:4
Behold, I have given him for a witness to the people, a leader and commander to the people.

With Jesus as the captain, it is certain that the Gospel will spread even to the most remote places on Earth once the jet is operational. This image shows Jesus guiding people on board a passenger airplane (Zeke's jet will have less people).






Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: The New Jet Aircraft for Pastor Zeke Committee.

Excellent news! Bacause of Pastor Zeke's spiritually sound and unprecedented Mission to North Korea, and the beneficial cooperation we've had with the local Creation Scientists, the North Korean leader Mr. Un has contacted our department in order to support the absolutely necessary jet purchase. The frequent visits by Pastor Zeke to Korea would thus be much more simple to arrange for the benefit of all involved.

Yours in Christ,
Elmer

This is a wonderful development. I heard through the grapevine that Creflo Dollar is calling every official he knows trying to get Chairman Un's phone number.

[Elmer G. White]

Re: The New Jet Aircraft for Pastor Zeke Committee.

This is a wonderful development. I heard through the grapevine that Creflo Dollar is calling every official he knows trying to get Chairman Un's phone number.

Mr. Mayor,

We are approaching pastor Ezekiel's birthday and we really should stop discussing and just buy the jet! Time is of essence. I know there are a few tens of millions of $ missing but through my Eurotrash past I've been able to connect with a man who knows how to get BILLIONS of dollars FREE and NEVER pay them back.

And he's available. I persuaded him to quit his former job as the finance minister of Grease. He is now at our disposal full-time to arrange the purchase. I am, of course, referring to Mr. Prof. of economics Yanis Varoufakis, a Greco-Austrian finance guru.



His plan is ingenious AND it has been thoroughly validated in the obscure Europistanian state of Grease. It goes like this:

1. You approach the banks and tell them that your economy is in perfect shape and that you'd like a loan. It's enough to give your testimony. They'll believe a True Christian™ mayor.
2. Loan money and lots of it. If I were you, I'd take some extra funds for Zeke's mansion, as well.
3. If they want you to pay back, take another loan to pay the interest.
4. If they still want you to pay back, ask the citizens if they want to pay back.
5. Never pay back, they'll forget it eventually.
6. Show them pictures of True Christian™ children starving.

This can go on forever and Mr. Varoufakir is just the guy to keep it going incessantly. Hire him NOW, let us get the money and by Zeke's birthday the jet can take her maiden voyage. And ultimately, if someone lends the dough, it is his fault if he takes interest or requires payback. Jesus says so:

Deuteronomy 23:19-20
Thou shalt not lend upon usury to thy brother; usury of money, usury of victuals, usury of any thing that is lent upon usury: (Read More...)

A word of warning, though. In his youth, Mr. Varoufakis was into acting and he's portrayed the demon Voldemort on several occasions. I'd do any transactions with him in the presence of a True Christian™ pastor in case exorcism is required. Otherwise nasty things could take place.

Acts 19:16
And the man in whom the evil spirit was leaped on them, and overcame them, and prevailed against them, so that they fled out of that house naked and wounded.



It is time. The sinners must be given relief. As a gesture of goodwill towards the Greek, pastor Ezekiels's first mission could land at Athens and inspect the sodomite community over there for any possible converts.


Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Des]

Re: The New Jet Aircraft for Pastor Zeke Committee.

Unrelated, but this now has me confused about history. I thought Sodom invented sodomy, but I've also heard that Grease not only invented sodomy, but also named the country for their choice of anal sex lubricants. Am I missing something, or did sodomy pop up in two separate countries, allowing both to take the (dis)credit for it?

[Elmer G. White]

Re: The New Jet Aircraft for Pastor Zeke Committee.

Unrelated, but this now has me confused about history. I thought Sodom invented sodomy, but I've also heard that Grease not only invented sodomy, but also named the country for their choice of anal sex lubricants. Am I missing something, or did sodomy pop up in two separate countries, allowing both to take the (dis)credit for it?

Brother,

The answer to this one is in the Bible! You just have to fill the missing data with the rational logic of Creation Science!

1 Kings 15:12
And he took away the sodomites out of the land, and removed all the idols that his fathers had made.

1 Kings 22:46
And the remnant of the sodomites, which remained in the days of his father Asa, he took out of the land.

We can see that...

1. There used to be sodomites in the Holy land.
2. They were driven away.

Next question: Where did they go? Now we can see the answer! To Grease! They must be of the original Sodomite Stock removed from Israel. Obviously, they breed very effectively (yes, it IS a paradox) and now inhabit even the remotest reaches of the Earth.


Yours in Christ,

Elmer