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  • #1

    One Time offer to the Saved but poor among you

    As you are aware, freehold Iowa has long been closed off to Trash, Homers, Cattylickers, Crippers and anyone else that is seen to be Unsaved in the eyes of our Lord Jesus Christ. This will always be true, particularly with the recent Terrorist activities.

    The Elders of Landover have decided in their wisdom to offer the chance of a lifetime to 2 lucky persons who have been Saved by The Lord but have not Tithed enough to attend our Church.





    It's not just two free tickets to the Largest Church in North America®. Here is what's included if you win the package:

    I. 2 reserved box seats at the Landover Baptist 9 a.m. Sunday Morning service.

    # National Baptist Castrati Boys Choir
    # Brother Hardwick's Scripture Lesson (Leviticus 19)
    # Full Communion (Fresh Homegrown White Grape Juice with Rye/Wheat Honey Crackers)
    # Offering (Featuring EZ-Slide VISA Card Offering Plates)
    # Pastor Deacon Fred Sermon: "Palestinians: Dogs Without a Leash"
    # Classified Church Announcements For Members Only
    # Altar Call (Mandatory Re-dedication of your life to Christ)

    II. 12 hours of Platinum Tither treatment.

    # A seat at the Pastor's Table post-service luncheon at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, Freehold Iowa
    # Post-service fellowship with Major Donors and millionaire members
    # 18 holes of golf and/or horseback riding along Landover Lake
    # Pre-evening service manicure and massage courtesy of Landover Baptist Spa and Resort


    III. Standing Room At 7 p.m. Service.

    * Solo by Mrs. Judy O'Christian (voted "best voice in Iowa 1952" Christian Women's World)
    * Dr. Jonathan Edwards preaches: "Death is Just the Beginning"
    * Offering (Featuring EZ-Slide VISA Card Offering Plates)
    * Men's Choir (A Little Talk With Jesus)
    * Communion (Red Grape/Apple Mixer with Brick Oven Table Crackers)
    * Full Immersion Baptism with Mechanical Crane: Esther Henwickle, age 58, 587 lbs. will be lowered from the ceiling (Don't Miss This!)
    * 2nd Offering (Featuring EZ-Slide VISA Card Offering Plates)
    * Old Fashioned Rebuke of Public Officials
    * Altar Call - (Mandatory re-dedication of your life to Christ)


    After services you will be provided with a security escort off Church property to a taxi that will be waiting to whisk you back to the airport.

    HOW DO I WIN TICKETS?

    It's easy. Just send a self-addressed stamped envelope with a valid and cashable cashier's check made out to the Landover Baptist Church, Inc., Wexler Offshore Holdings, P.L.L.C. Checks will be opened and deposited into our account and once they clear, the individual who wrote the largest check wins the 2 free tickets. All checks will be deposited, but no winner will be drawn for under the amount of $44,000.00. This exclusive offer is available to the general saved public only.

    CHANCE OF A LIFETIME!

    The Landover Baptist Church Main Sanctuary seats 52,187 (with standing room and side-pew fold out chairs). Every Sunday morning service: (B.R. Lakin Chapel, Smith Center, Freehold Baptist Chapel, Enoch Coliseum, Bowers Towers, Servant Sanctuary, Chapel 2, Handicap Hideaway, The Old Country Church, and the All-Purpose-Multi-Center-Temple included) 7:30 a.m. 9 a,m., 11 a.m. and 7 p.m. Sunday/Wednesday is always SOLD OUT. The first available seat (not including deaths or dismissals) is estimated to be released in May 2007.

    Never let it be said that our Church does not welcome all.

    Acts 2:47
    Praising God, and having favour with all the people. And the Lord added to the church daily such as should be saved.

    Sister Talitha

    Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.


    HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
    being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41


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  • #2
    It just isn't fair to those of us who worked our way up the ladder and tithed for years to get those priveleges!
    But if it serves as an inspiration, then so be it.
    Matthew:
    5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
    5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
    10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
    10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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    • #3
      Originally posted by eliot mayfield View Post
      It just isn't fair to those of us who worked our way up the ladder and tithed for years to get those priveleges!
      But if it serves as an inspiration, then so be it.
      Sometimes Brother Mayfield, doing the Lords work doesn't seem fair.

      You do have to take into consideration that these people only have this offer made once.
      Because of our regular Tithing and Worship, we are assured a place next to the Lord come Judgment day.

      Sister Talitha

      Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.


      HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
      being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41


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      • #4
        This may be a good place to ask: how much needs one to tithe (and how often) to reach platinum level?

        Glory!
        If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
        A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
        Proverbs 9:12-13

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        • #5
          Originally posted by eliot mayfield View Post
          It just isn't fair to those of us who worked our way up the ladder and tithed for years to get those priveleges!
          But if it serves as an inspiration, then so be it.
          Perhaps instead of complaining Brother Eliot you would devote yourself more to Jesus so He feels it is appropriate to reward you with an income worthy of a Platinum Thither? You really do not know how exasperating these confrontations get with lesser tither levels are for us Church Security Officers. It is not like we enjoy using our tasers and pepper spray on our fellow Christians.

          Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

          Hot Must ReadThreads!


          Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!

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          • #6
            Salvation Seeker, if our Godly Pastors decide to make you a member, then these details will be made apparent to you.

            As a Triple Platinum Tither, I can give my personal assurance that all money goes straight to Jesus.

            Sister Talitha

            Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.


            HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
            being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41


            Comment

            • #7
              Originally posted by Sister Talitha View Post
              Salvation Seeker, if our Godly Pastors decide to make you a member, then these details will be made apparent to you.

              As a Triple Platinum Tither, I can give my personal assurance that all money goes straight to Jesus.
              Great.
              I can just pray that Jesus will accept me, so I can start a regular tithing schedule to Him.

              Praise!
              If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
              A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
              Proverbs 9:12-13

              Comment

              • #8
                Originally posted by eliot mayfield View Post
                It just isn't fair to those of us who worked our way up the ladder and tithed for years to get those priveleges!
                But if it serves as an inspiration, then so be it.
                Brother, remember this parable from Matthew ch. 20:

                20:1 For the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which went out early in the morning to hire labourers into his vineyard.
                20:2 And when he had agreed with the labourers for a penny a day, he sent them into his vineyard.
                20:3 And he went out about the third hour, and saw others standing idle in the marketplace,
                20:4 And said unto them; Go ye also into the vineyard, and whatsoever is right I will give you. And they went their way.
                20:5 Again he went out about the sixth and ninth hour, and did likewise.
                20:6 And about the eleventh hour he went out, and found others standing idle, and saith unto them, Why stand ye here all the day idle?
                20:7 They say unto him, Because no man hath hired us. He saith unto them, Go ye also into the vineyard; and whatsoever is right, that shall ye receive.
                20:8 So when even was come, the lord of the vineyard saith unto his steward, Call the labourers, and give them their hire, beginning from the last unto the first.
                20:9 And when they came that were hired about the eleventh hour, they received every man a penny.
                20:10 But when the first came, they supposed that they should have received more; and they likewise received every man a penny.
                20:11 And when they had received it, they murmured against the goodman of the house,
                20:12 Saying, These last have wrought but one hour, and thou hast made them equal unto us, which have borne the burden and heat of the day.
                20:13 But he answered one of them, and said, Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not thou agree with me for a penny?
                20:14 Take that thine is, and go thy way: I will give unto this last, even as unto thee.
                20:15 Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good?
                20:16 So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.
                This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

                Questions to ask liberal "Christians" ✞ Things that the Bible doesn't say ✞ Tolerance

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