I REPENT!

[Yahweh_is_Yahgay]

I have come to terms with my demonic ways and have cast aside all Darwinian evils. I have burned my Origin of Species and replaced it with 14 autographed copies of the King James Bible. Tell me what I have to do to be accepted into the Landover Baptist Church. I will move to Freehold if necessary. Pastor Ezekiel, I need your guidance.

[Jimmy C Lombardo]

Re: I REPENT!

Now that you've accepted Christ it time for der next step...

...Give yer money to LORD JESUS! Give it ALL to HIM! GIVE! GIVE! GIVE TILL IT HURTS! Yall say you dont have enough so suit yer needs, but THATS NO EXCUSE! What more important? Yer needs or YER SOUL!!!????

Yall spend a few miserable years in yer mamas basement, but you could spend ENTERNITY in a GOLD PLATED MANSION in Heaven!

Or if yer just a stupid brat pullin our legs you will spend yer eternities face down in yer own filth in HELL!! (And I'll be watchin an laughin!)

[Yahweh_is_Yahgay]

Re: I REPENT!

Now that you've accepted Christ it time for der next step...

...Give yer money to LORD JESUS! Give it ALL to HIM! GIVE! GIVE! GIVE TILL IT HURTS! Yall say you dont have enough so suit yer needs, but THATS NO EXCUSE! What more important? Yer needs or YER SOUL!!!????

Yall spend a few miserable years in yer mamas basement, but you could spend ENTERNITY in a GOLD PLATED MANSION in Heaven!

Or if yer just a stupid brat pullin our legs you will spend yer eternities face down in yer own filth in HELL!! (And I'll be watchin an laughin!)

I will tithe until my intestines fall out!

[Capt. Aaron Portway]

Re: I REPENT!

I'm not sure why your intestines would "fall out" just because you decided on a suitable tithing regimen, but I do appreciate your spirit.

Tell us son, what brought about this sudden change of heart? When did Jesus fill you with His white-hot love?

You'd better not be yanking our collectives chains boy, we've had false conversions before.

[Yahweh_is_Yahgay]

Re: I REPENT!

Oh, I am simply covered in the white hot sticky love of Jesus!

My change of heart came when I unstuck my nose from my copy of Principia Matematica and cracked open my sexually abusive uncle's King James' Bible, out of curiosity. The Truth suddenly became clear! I cannot live like a heathen in this damning world of man-sissies, HATEhiests, and baby-eaters! I do like guns! I do denounce evolution! AND LONG LIVE SARAH PALIN!

[Bob4God]

Re: I REPENT!

Praise GOD! Another sheep enters the fold!

I think you'll find life much easier now that you have a church full of pastors and a big book to show you right from wrong! I cannot imagine how discouraging and empty a life you are leaving behind, but thank GOD that you are leaving it behind!

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: I REPENT!

my sexually abusive uncle's King James' Bible

What was a papist doing with a King James? Hopefully he didn't desecrate it before you were able to liberate it.

[Capt. Aaron Portway]

Re: I REPENT!

Calm down son. I know that to a lad your age, receiving Christ for the first time can be extremely exciting. But just relax and let the Lord fill you with His love.

At this early stage, you should stick to praising the Lord and let the more experienced members here do most of the rebuking of non-believers. Trust me, if your conversion is genuine, there will be plenty of time to rebuke the Unsaved Trash that wander onto our Godly boards in the future.

And you need to pick yourself out an appropriate Bible verse for you signature too! Make sure to pick a good one from the KJAV 1611. Make us proud boy!

[Yahweh_is_Yahgay]

Re: I REPENT!

My sentiments exactly, Brother Bob.

Curse my damning biochemist of a father and R and D nanotechnology manager mother for not opening my eyes sooner!

I have run away from home, and currently typing off a computer at truck stop 50 miles south of Freehold. Can anyone give me a lift?

[Bob4God]

Re: I REPENT!

Now that you're becoming a Christian, what outrages you most? Abortion? Queer marriage? Raving anti-gun lunatics?

If you're headed to Freehold and need a summer job, come on down to FREEHOLD FIREARMS on the corner of Exodus and 7th. I'm sure I could put a strong back to work hauling in big boxes of ammo.

[Vavoline Johnson]

Re: I REPENT!

Oh, I am simply covered in the white hot sticky love of Jesus!
snip!

Well, dat ain't nice, fool. The Jeezuz dat I know ain't got NO "hot sticky love" fo nobody! Dat's discustin. You better save that fo when you married to a nice white Christian womin and you wants to produce a nice litter of brats.

[Capt. Aaron Portway]

Re: I REPENT!

My sentiments exactly, Brother Bob.

Curse my damning biochemist of a father and R and D nanotechnology manager mother for not opening my eyes sooner!

I have run away from home, and currently typing off a computer at truck stop 50 miles south of Freehold. Can anyone give me a lift?

Son, as I said before, calm down. We don't know you from Adam. Before we let through the gates of our Godly city, we need to build some trust.

You are not too far from Camp Trust. It's a wide spot in the road where youngsters like yourself can, through hard physical labor and near constant public prayer, prove themselves worthy of entering Freehold.

The DOF (Department of Faith) runs the camp for us. It's sort of a Bootcamp for Jesus if you will. The work is hard, the days are long, but trust me, it's worth the trouble if you make it through.

Good luck! And don't mind the full strip and body cavity searches when you first arrive. We've had a few unsavory types try to bring drugs onto the grounds of Camp Trust. And if you are allergic to malathion, let the man at the delousing station know!

[Capt. Aaron Portway]

Re: I REPENT!

Now that you're becoming a Christian, what outrages you most? Abortion? Queer marriage? Raving anti-gun lunatics?

If you're headed to Freehold and need a summer job, come on down to FREEHOLD FIREARMS on the corner of Exodus and 7th. I'm sure I could put a strong back to work hauling in big boxes of ammo.

Bob, don't get his hopes up just yet. He might still not have what it takes to make it here. Let's let the folks at Camp Trust see what they can do with him first!

[Yahweh_is_Yahgay]

Re: I REPENT!

Many thanks, Cap'n. I am very anxious to rid myself of daming habits and forge a new life down the path of Righteousness.

I'll prove to everyone that I am worthy at Camp Trust--this I assure you. I am preparing to head out as we speak. And I promise, I won't accept any rides from girlie-men of any sort!

[Bob4God]

Re: I REPENT!

Captain Portway, I certainly understand your concern, but there's no reason why he can't stay in one of our youth hostels in the greater Freehold area until he's proven himself.

After a respectable amount of time, if we know for certain that he's not a homosexual saboteur or an atheist in Christian's clothing, he might get to come to church one Sunday.