[WinnerNotSinner]

Re: Policing Freehold

"Policeman running for sheriff puts paycheck above God's Law."

Owch!

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Policing Freehold

I was not at church because I was, as I mentioned and you quoted, unable to avoid duty. Not that I want to avoid duty like a sissy-draft-dodging queerio.

Also, would YOU want Jews handling guns in YOUR town?

They do.

In North Salem, we contract with a Jewish security firm because we will not encourage a Christian to violate the Sabbath.

I can see that there is yet another reason my Board will be glad they cancelled my congregation's trip to Freehold. I can see the headline now: "Policeman running for sheriff puts paycheck above God's Law."

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

Officer, I can't help but note in your story that you were yourself not at church on Sunday.

Might it be best to hire private (say, Jewish) contractors for policing duties on Sundays?

I was not at church because I was, as I mentioned and you quoted, unable to avoid duty. Not that I want to avoid duty like a sissy-draft-dodging queerio.

Also, would YOU want Jews handling guns in YOUR town?

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Policing Freehold

There is no rest for wickedness--it works even on Sunday. Good job Officer. Maybe that atheist family's practice of smearing the Lord's Day by enjoying themsleves is over for a while.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Policing Freehold

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2010

For as long as I've been a cop, I've tried to avoid duties on Sunday. Being the Lord's day, I like to keep it aside as a time of quiet reverence and respect.

Today, unfortunately, I couldn't avoid it.

As I was parked behind a large bush watching motorists go by, I began to think about how policing on Sunday could have its advantages.

Using simple logic I could conclude that everybody who wasn't at church on Sunday is criminal scum.

Officer, I can't help but note in your story that you were yourself not at church on Sunday.

Might it be best to hire private (say, Jewish) contractors for policing duties on Sundays?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Policing Freehold

Funny story, officer Richards; When you called, I was indeed in the middle of my Sunday Sermon (Why Cockatrices Are More Dangerous Than Bedbugs). Because I had my Bluetooth on, the entire congregation heard our phone conversation.

Next time you call, watch the salty language.

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2010

For as long as I've been a cop, I've tried to avoid duties on Sunday. Being the Lord's day, I like to keep it aside as a time of quiet reverence and respect.

Today, unfortunately, I couldn't avoid it.

As I was parked behind a large bush watching motorists go by, I began to think about how policing on Sunday could have its advantages.

Using simple logic I could conclude that everybody who wasn't at church on Sunday is criminal scum.

That means that policing on Sunday is exponentially easier than policing on any other day because the all the innocent people are at church.

I pulled over the next car that went by.

It was a little old gray-haired lady. Shame on her! I approached using extreme caution.

When I arrived at the driver's side window, I found it hadn't been rolled down yet. I placed my hand on my service weapon instinctively.

"ROLL DOWN YOUR WINDOW!" I commanded in a Christian tone.

The old lady looked nearly panicked and confused. I made a pointy-downwards motion with my finger and she complied.

In a voice shaken with nervousness (and likely guilt) she inquired, "What's wrong Officer?"

"License and Registration, now." I said.

She fumbled around for what seemed like an eternity, as I was waiting with my hand perched on my gun just in case she tried any funny business.

She finally retrieved the requested documentation and I returned to my cruiser to run a background check.

I whipped out the cellphone and speed-dialed Pastor Zeke.

Let me say right now I am sorry to all my church brethren for interrupting what I'm told was a fiery sermon, but justice never sleeps.

Pastor Zeke told me he didn't recognize the name and had never seen anybody matching that description in church before.

I returned to the suspicious and highly dangerous suspect.

"Here's your stuff back." I said.

"So what are you doing driving around this morning, are you going to church?" I asked.

She informed me she was driving to her son's house to have lunch with him, his wife, and their children, and no, she doesn't go to church, nor does her family.

Oh sweet Jesus, I had rooted up a whole nest of atheists!

Hebrews 10:25 tells us that we all belong at church.

Psalms 14:1 says that unbelievers never do anything good and are idiots.

I knew that I must stop her from reaching her son's house at all costs, or they would do horrible and stupid things.

I had the old lady step out of her car so I could search it.

I told her to place her hands on the hood of my car and don't move till I say. It took her forever to shuffle over there, I was really getting annoyed.

I poked around the inside but I couldn't find anything in the old clunker. I even checked under the seats but found nothing except some old candies.

In a moment of brilliance inspired by God Almighty, I was compelled to look UNDER the car. I poked my head under the car, and saw nothing. My hand was guided to my pocket and I withdrew my pocketknife.

God told me to take the blade and stick it in her front right tire. So I did.

The tire hissed violently and the car began to sink slowly.

Quickly I returned to the old woman and told her she was free to go.

She shuffled back into her car and started rolling down the road. I followed from a distance watching intently.

Eventually the tire started coming undone and losing pieces. I turned on my lights and sirens and pulled the old woman over again.

I informed her that her tire was littering the highway and she would have to either pay a $250 fine, or pick up all the litter she had so carelessly strung about.

I knew she wouldn't be able to afford $250 dollars and she would have only one other option: Skip lunch at her atheist son's house to clean up the mess she made.

As I sat in the comfort of my cruiser watching the old hag shuffle along the highway stuffing pieces of hot rubber into a plastic bag, I knew I had saved a couple of unfortunate children of an atheist family the horrors of being molested and abused by their depraved grandmother.

Over and out.

[Benedict A. Davis]

Re: Policing Freehold

To a brother officer - remember, don't put that speed gun between your legs to rest your arms, or Big Jim and the Twins will shrivel up to an irradiated cocktail frank and a pair of raisins.

Thanks to your analogy I will never look at pigs in a blanket or speedtrap cops the same way ever again!

[handmaiden]

Re: Policing Freehold

To a brother officer - remember, don't put that speed gun between your legs to rest your arms, or Big Jim and the Twins will shrivel up to an irradiated cocktail frank and a pair of raisins.

Sage advice, as always, Brother Land.


Sincerely Yours,

Handmaiden

[landoverlover]

Re: Policing Freehold

To a brother officer - remember, don't put that speed gun between your legs to rest your arms, or Big Jim and the Twins will shrivel up to an irradiated cocktail frank and a pair of raisins.

[Free Market Fred]

Re: Policing Freehold

I thought that this would be an appropriate thread to let my fellow True Christians (and especially Officer Don) know about my company's latest software product, "Cell Snitch."

This application, which so far only works on 3G phones, does all kinds of great things. The idea is that you install it on someone's phone without him or her knowing. The program then automatically sends reports to your home computer, letting you know the precise location of the person who is carrying the phone. It also activates the phone's built-in camera, providing a visual, and records what that person is saying even when he/she is NOT making a call. That's right, you've got continuous audio, visual and physical location info on the target!

And we're even working on brain scan software, which can detect when the phone user is thinking about sex. Thanks to a little-known clause we slipped into a congressional resolution declaring National Broccoli Week, thinking about sex when talking to a minor is also illegal. For far too long, thought criminals have been committing atrocities undetected - now that is going to change thanks to our sophisticated modern technology.


This phone can even scan your brain for impure thoughts

But there's more. In version 2.0, we've added artificial intelligence software which does more than simply recording what is going on. If the AI software discovers that the target talking to a child, it immediately flags this as a pedophile incident and sends a video directly to local law enforcement and the FBI. Since everything is being recorded, this can be presented as evidence in a court of law.

And it gets better. If you haven't got enough evidence, you can configure the program to plant some on the target. For example, you can download kiddie porn to the target's phone, and add children's phone numbers to his/her address book. Ditto for homo, bestiality and excrement porn. I think that this is a very useful feature - imagine using this technique to get rid of a pesky liberal news reporter, a "privacy-rights" activist, a business competitor, or a Democrat politician! That whole scandal we set up against Eliot Spitzer (by hacking his credit card account and sending money to prostitutes) is nothing compared to this!

The only little problem we've got right now is a possible patent dispute with Apple. Apparently, Steve Jobs wants to add spyware to the iPhone and doesn't appreciate our competition. But I'm sure we'll work it out - Steve may be rich, but we OWN the courts. And besides, we can always install Cell Snitch on HIS phone.

In short, I think that Cell Snitch is a product that every family-values Republican politician needs to have in his little bag of tricks. After all, with ACORN stealing elections, I'd say that it's high time that we conservatives take the gloves off.

[BelieverInGod]

Re: Policing Freehold

You are a terrible cop and I don't know how you are able to keep your job after posting that terrible story if you ever came to my house and threatened my dog you would have a big problem on your hands. My baby can sense when there is danger and when she starts barking that means that something is obviously wrong. She's like my alarm system and I could care less what the neighbor's think about the barking.

Sure some dogs bark only as a warning. I know a couple of Rottweilers that never bark. On the other side are dogs that bark for no other reason than they love the sound of their own voices. If someone's calling in a complaint, guess which kind of dog the one being complained about is.

Officer Don, if you would like to pass on my phone number to these people, I will straighten them out. If they truly have their heart into changing that dogs behaviour, then I'm willing to work with them. However if they balk at my, what ever it takes to train your dog attitude, I will report that back to you and you can deal with it as you will.

I don't know why you can't just leave people alone and let them live their lives without worrying about thier dog.

Because the dog is annoying the crap out of the neighbors? Why is this so hard for you to understand? Anyone who will stuff a dog (a puppy no less) out in the back yard to bark it's fool head off and annoy people for blocks does not have the responsibility it takes to own a dog. I am sick and tired of lazy dog owners. Owning a dog is 15-20 years of responsibility. My dogs don't annoy the neighbors, neither do they run free or bark their heads off. Sure the spaniel did when we first got him but a bark collar put an end to that pretty quick.

That's pretty low for a cop, don't you guys ahve animal control officers up there? I hope the dog owner was videoing you with your gun at the dog and if you really do go back there and kill the dog I hope they video that and show it on the news and get your fat ass fired. The only reaswn you even have that job is because your uncle cletus is the Sherriff and he won't fire you no matter how much you piffle up.

Tell me exactly what he did wrong. He taught these people a valuable lesson on the responsibilities of dog ownership. Would you rather if one of the neighbors that was being annoyed just tossed a rat-poison hamburger over the fence? Or shot the dog? It's the dog owners that don't bother to train their dogs that make it miserable for everyone.

[SUV]

Re: Policing Freehold

You gave birth to a dog? What on earth have you been fornicating with?

These are the End Times indeed, Brother Temperance. The Armageddon is upon us and will be here soon -
no doubt ushered in by a phalanx of barking, Storm-Trooping rats

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Policing Freehold

You are a terrible cop and I don't know how you are able to keep your job after posting that terrible story if you ever came to my house and threatened my dog you would have a big problem on your hands.

Threatening violence against a law enforcement officer is a very serious matter.

My baby can sense when there is danger and when she starts barking that means that something is obviously wrong.

You gave birth to a dog? What on earth have you been fornicating with? I imagine the constant barking must get a bit annoying, since there are clearly a lot of things that are always obviously wrong in your degenerate life.

[SUV]

Re: Policing Freehold

Bless you, Ofc-Bro Don!

My only suggestion would be that in these situations the Gun barrel be put to the owners' heads first. Hallelujah!