[Wash O'Hanley]

Re: Policing Freehold

I don't know why you can't just leave people alone and let them live their lives without worrying about thier dog.

Apparently you don't know what it's like to be woken up at 7am on a Saturday by a stupid dog barking when you have a serious hangover from all those White Russians you drank the previous night. You complain about me not letting my neighbors live their lives but they are the ones not letting me live mine! We live in a society that has rules and when they let their dog sit in the back yard all day barking they are taking a metaphorical dump on my chest.

If it happens again I'm not going to call the police; I'm going to hop the fence, slash the dog's throat with a hunting knife, hang it over their front door and leave a note that says "if you buy another dog I'm going to do this to your kids."

[Viggo B. Kristoffersen]

Re: Policing Freehold

If only we had policemen like officer Richards in Denmark. Maybe this dreadful place would be just a tiny bit better.

The police here are all sissies, who are more interested in helping ducks than arresting criminals.

[Forest Spirit]

Re: Policing Freehold

I meant [censored] up. Why do you guys keep editing my posts?

[Forest Spirit]

Re: Policing Freehold

You are a terrible cop and I don't know how you are able to keep your job after posting that terrible story if you ever came to my house and threatened my dog you would have a big problem on your hands. My baby can sense when there is danger and when she starts barking that means that something is obviously wrong. She's like my alarm system and I could care less what the neighbor's think about the barking.

I don't know why you can't just leave people alone and let them live their lives without worrying about thier dog. That's pretty low for a cop, don't you guys ahve animal control officers up there? I hope the dog owner was videoing you with your gun at the dog and if you really do go back there and kill the dog I hope they video that and show it on the news and get your fat ass fired. The only reaswn you even have that job is because your uncle cletus is the Sherriff and he won't fire you no matter how much you fuck up.

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

SATURDAY, AUGUST 21, 2010

Today was supposed to be a day off for ol' Officer Don, but criminals never take a day off.

I got a call from Wash O'Hanley, which was quite a pleasant surprise because I haven't talked to Wash in a long time. Not since I called in to his show to agree with him on a very important and serious issue he was talking about. (I've forgotten what it was now.)

It seems his neighbors bought a black lab puppy not too long ago, and have made its new home out in the backyard.

Wash tells me the puppy is largely ignored except for morning and evening feedings. As a result it's been barking nonstop all day and has become a terrible nuisance to the neighbors.

I used to be allowed to take my uniform home with me, and I used to be able to duck around a corner and change into it like Superman whenever trouble arose, but a liberal somewhere in the upper echelons of the FPD decided that was "unethical."

Now I only get to take home my badge and gun.

Well, this puppy situation clearly wasn't going to go away, and Iowa's top rated conservative radio pundit (of 2004) deserves a Saturday of peace and quiet.

I called in to the FPD to see if I could pick up part of a shift this morning. I (and Wash) were in luck.

I got to the station at 11:00 AM and promptly changed into my uniform. (I skipped the showers as I usually do, because that's just a little too homosexual. I may have a sweat problem but it's nothing my cruiser's air freshener won't mask.)

I retired to the bathroom to call Wash on my cellphone and have him call dispatch to issue the complaint. What luck that I was available to take the call!

I got to tell you, we don't get called in to gated communities very often. It was really nice. Lawns in perfect order, quiet streets, and Godly Caucasian skin as far as the eye can see! And I love the feeling of not being asked any questions when I roll up to the gate in my cruiser.

Upon passing through the gate into the quiet neighborhood, I made my way towards Wash's house.

Wash was just coming out in his bathrobe to pick up one of the many papers on his front lawn. He showed me the house in question, but it was already obvious from the incessant barking.

I pulled my cruiser quietly into the driveway. Then I turned on my lights and sirens, and turned on my spotlight and aimed at right at their bay window.

I exited my cruiser and started ringing the door bell over and over and over until somebody answered the door.

The man who answered had the expression of a deer just moments away from being plowed over by an 18-wheeler.

"What's going on?!" he shouted with his ears covered.

"It's kind of annoying isn't it!' I replied.

"What would it be like if I just stayed parked here all day with my lights and sirens ringing in your ears? Some people might get kind of annoyed, but personally, it doesn't bother me, I like it."

The man was obviously confused so I told him the reason for my visit.

"One of your neighbors, the esteemed and celebrated conservative author and radio host, Washburn Rutherford O'Hanley III, called us to complain about the puppy barking in your backyard all day long." I shouted over the sirens.

It was starting to make sense to him I could tell, so I decided to turn off the siren. (But I left the lights on for effect.)

"The puppy is back there all day, and we're really busy, you understand." He told me.

"No I don't understand." I replied.

We took a stroll to the back of the house. There was the dog, going crazy as usual.

He stopped his barking long enough to look at me and come over wagging his tail.

I bent down to scratch him behind his ears. He was so happy to see somebody he quit his barking altogether.

"Heya boy, how ya doin?" I said as I drew my .45 caliber service weapon.

"It'd be a shame if something happened to this little fella, wouldn't it?" I asked to nobody in particular as I put the barrel to his temple.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Screamed the man.

I pulled the hammer back. What a satisfying click it makes.

"Yep, one moment he's out here begging for attention from his owners, the next he's lying in a heap surrounded by red grass and circled by buzzards."

"PLEASE STOP!" pleaded the man, whose wife was now also in the backyard screaming.

"Gee, you two really seem to care about this little fella all of a sudden." I observed.

"WE'RE JUST BUSY AND DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TIME TO PAY ATTENTION TO HIM!" They shrieked as I rubbed the barrel of my gun along his spinal column.

"I hope you two never have any kids then. Is that what you'd say if I was shoving my gun down your shrieking brat's throat, you don't have time to pay attention to it?"

I could see that they were now defeated by my argument from authority, so I pulled the trigger. They both flinched and closed their eyes, and I smiled at the satisfying click the hammer makes on an unloaded gun.

The puppy was as happy as ever when I released him from my tightening choke hold and he returned to bouncing around the yard.

"Next time it's going to be loaded. I suggest you keep him quiet from now on. Have a nice day."

On my way back to the station I radioed in to say that I was feeling sick and would need to end my shift early. I also got to wear my uniform home.

I love being a cop.

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

FRIDAY, AUGUST 20, 2010

Towards the end of my shift this this evening, an old colored woman in the southern part of town called the police to report a prowler. She had been to Wal-Mart and came home only to find a window open that had not been open when she left. It was then she went to a neighbor's house to call us.

Ever since I apprehended a prowler who broke into women's homes to put on their panties (we called him the Skid Mark Kid of 31st Street), I've taken every single breaking and entering call that comes over the radio. I can't get enough of this stuff.

I wasn't too sure about this one. These old ladies, sometimes they can't even remember they have their turn signal on, let alone whether or not they closed a window.

She was on her neighbor's porch when I arrived and she simply pointed at her house.

Readying my gun, I cautiously approached the house. A window was indeed up, and the front door was locked.

I realized this was a time for action. I attempted to kick the door down, and after the fourth attempt, I decided to crawl through the window.

I became stuck momentarily around my stomach. It was likely that my flash light, tazer, nightstick, KJV 1611, or one of the many other items an Officer of the Law must carry got in the way.

As I came to a premature stop midway through the window, I dropped my gun and somehow it discharged a round into the fish tank.

The water began to stream out of the impressively uniform hole in the side.

I struggled free of the window (putting a nice kink in my back in the process) and picked up my gun. I quickly grabbed a nearby potted plant and positioned it to catch the stream of water.

Upon realizing I couldn't stop the leak in the quickly draining tank, I improvised. I opened the cabinet under the tank, grabbed the net, scooped the fish out and quickly flushed it down the toilet.

On my way back from the bathroom I spied a roll of electrical tape. It all came together now.

I patched the hole in the tank with the tape (it was near the bottom), and then piled a bunch of the dark blue gravel up against it from the other side. Her feeble eyes would never notice it.

I returned the plant to where I found it. I checked the entire house out, and found nothing suspicious, not even in the fridge.

I exited the home and told the crazy old bat that a burglar had broken into her house, stole her fish and watered her plants.

The burglar got away but I heard on the radio they just caught him two blocks away.

She was happy, I was happy, and we both went home.

[Free Market Fred]

Re: Policing Freehold

Officer Don, you just amaze me with your ability to root out criminals that nobody else can even see. That's why I think you'd be a perfect fit with Prosecutor Ed Jagels whom I've already mentioned.

Unfortunately, even a great police officer and great prosecutor working together are still not enough to make Freehold, Iowa the kind of safe, clean and morally pure Christian police state that we all want. Another link in the long chain to creating a blessed gulag would have to include judges. Sadly, the USA is afflicted with all sorts of liberal judges, many of whom have no qualms about legalized abortion, birth control, free speech and other dangerous anti-Christian ideologies that threaten the very fabric of our great nation.

Fortunately, conservatives have been working hard on this issue. Every right-thinking Christian American needs to become familiar with the Federalist Society. This fine organization has been working hard for years, recruiting home-schooled Christian kids to attend law school and later become judges (and politicians). Thanks to former Republican presidents Reagan plus Bush I & II, four of our 9 Supreme Court justices are Federalist Society members: Clarence Thomas, William H. Rehnquist, Antonin Scalia and Anthony M. Kennedy. Personally, I think that we need a Constitutional amendment to require such membership for any judge in the USA.

Unfortunately, a chain is only as strong as its weakest link, so even with stacked courts, our gulag is not complete. I'm sure that the rest of you are just as sick as I am with those liberal bleeding heart "human rights activists" who want to turn our prisons into country clubs. Of course, I have no objection to sending rich criminals to country clubs, but for the masses, I see no reason why prisoners should be guaranteed "rights" like food, water, shelter and so on. After all, if they weren't committing crimes like underage smoking and masturbating, they wouldn't be in prison in the first place, so they've no one to blame but themselves.


Remember kids, masturbating is a crime.

Of course, I don't want anybody to think that I wouldn't give a misguided juvenile a second chance. That's why my company hires criminals in our profitable privatized prisons to learn "reform through labor."


Reform through labor at our toy factory in China.

Over in China, my company has gained lots of experience in this area. For over 10 years now, we've been reforming young adults and children who were clearly on the wrong path by visiting dangerous web sites and criticizing the government. I am confident that we can adapt this system to the USA, rooting out homoism, Satan worship, democracy and other evil behavior that threatens Christianity, public safety and CEO bonuses.

[James Dewitt]

Re: Policing Freehold

THURSDAY, JULY 29, 2010

Did you ever have one of those days where you were just at the right place at the right time to bust a crook? Today was one of those days for me.

A long afternoon of patrolling can sure take its toll on your appetite so I stopped by Casey's for donuts. I had a fine selection picked out. Luck would have it (or rather, Jesus would have it) that I just got in line behind a rather unsavory looking golder woman.

Her face was leathery beyond her years and her hair was all frizzly. (As surprising as it may seem to those of you reading this, she was indeed white.)

She had placed a carton of cigarettes on the counter and was paying the clerk for them. Well, the only women who smoke are harlots and lesbians.

The clerk gave the woman her change, and the customer picked up her carton of cigarettes and headed for the door.

I felt the Holy Ghost moving me to witness to her about her wicked ways. I set my box of one dozen fresh-made donuts on the counter, cleared my throat and said "As an Officer of the Law, I cannot pollute my body with cigarette smoke or take a chance on catching a lesbian disease by being a lesbian."

The woman stopped and looked at me, at first unsure if I was talking to her or not. I looked back sternly.

She said with ice in her voice, "Honey, I've been straight as an arrow since I was born and a smoker since I was 12."

It makes my job a lot easier when a criminal confesses right to my face. My ticket book was out of my pocket faster than you can say "underage smoker."

I issued her a fine. She thought it was a joke. So I added some more to the fine to show her how serious I was. $210. That's how serious I was.

She said that my fining her for something she did over 30 years ago was "absurd" and "outrageous." Yet had she not just ADMITTED in front of me AND a witness (the clerk) that she was an underage smoker at one time?

If she was a murderer, I explained, who killed somebody 30 years ago and I just now found out, I'd be well within my rights to arrest her.

She says she is going to go to court over this ticket, and I told her she was more than welcome to try. When we get to court, she's going to find out that not only do underage smokers get smacked with a hefty fine, but also get assigned to community service. What a fun court date THAT is going to be.

I wonder how many other crimes she has committed? One has to wonder if she has a juvenile record.

Any how I am glad you brought up the subject of cigarettes. Every day at 3:00 PM I go to the Men's club,and every day I see the same two Messicans sitting on the curb waiting for the buss. And every day I see them tossing their cigarette butts into the street. To day I watched as they got on the buss they dropped and empty bottle of cheap whine on the curb, breaking into many pieces, Someone could get hurt from the glass and the hot butts that they leave behind.

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

THURSDAY, JULY 29, 2010

Did you ever have one of those days where you were just at the right place at the right time to bust a crook? Today was one of those days for me.

A long afternoon of patrolling can sure take its toll on your appetite so I stopped by Casey's for donuts. I had a fine selection picked out. Luck would have it (or rather, Jesus would have it) that I just got in line behind a rather unsavory looking golder woman.

Her face was leathery beyond her years and her hair was all frizzly. (As surprising as it may seem to those of you reading this, she was indeed white.)

She had placed a carton of cigarettes on the counter and was paying the clerk for them. Well, the only women who smoke are harlots and lesbians.

The clerk gave the woman her change, and the customer picked up her carton of cigarettes and headed for the door.

I felt the Holy Ghost moving me to witness to her about her wicked ways. I set my box of one dozen fresh-made donuts on the counter, cleared my throat and said "As an Officer of the Law, I cannot pollute my body with cigarette smoke or take a chance on catching a lesbian disease by being a lesbian."

The woman stopped and looked at me, at first unsure if I was talking to her or not. I looked back sternly.

She said with ice in her voice, "Honey, I've been straight as an arrow since I was born and a smoker since I was 12."

It makes my job a lot easier when a criminal confesses right to my face. My ticket book was out of my pocket faster than you can say "underage smoker."

I issued her a fine. She thought it was a joke. So I added some more to the fine to show her how serious I was. $210. That's how serious I was.

She said that my fining her for something she did over 30 years ago was "absurd" and "outrageous." Yet had she not just ADMITTED in front of me AND a witness (the clerk) that she was an underage smoker at one time?

If she was a murderer, I explained, who killed somebody 30 years ago and I just now found out, I'd be well within my rights to arrest her.

She says she is going to go to court over this ticket, and I told her she was more than welcome to try. When we get to court, she's going to find out that not only do underage smokers get smacked with a hefty fine, but also get assigned to community service. What a fun court date THAT is going to be.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Policing Freehold

One of the thing that made Ed such a great prosecutor was his uncanny ability to detect crimes for which there was no physical evidence and no witnesses. He could detect witchcraft and devil worship where no one else could see it.

In short, a good conservative prosecutor like Ed Jagels is just what the folks of Freehold need (and deserve!).

Fred, thank you for bringing this to our attention. This Ed Jagels sounds like the person every city needs to keep its citizens in line. I'm sending one of my people out west to visit with him.

[Free Market Fred]

Re: Policing Freehold

Officer Don and other True Christians, I've got some great news. Republican prosecutor Ed Jagels of Bakersfield, California, just recently retired. Why is that good news? Because now he is available, and would (I think) make an excellent prosecutor for Freehold, Iowa.

Perhaps you aren't familiar with Mr Jagels, so let me briefly introduce him. He is the main subject matter of the book "Mean Justice." A good synopsis of Jagels' accomplishments was written up in this Rolling Stone article.

One of the thing that made Ed such a great prosecutor was his uncanny ability to detect crimes for which there was no physical evidence and no witnesses. He could detect witchcraft and devil worship where no one else could see it. Ed managed to put dozens of people in jail for molesting children who were never even born! Unfortunately, liberal judges later attacked Ed's good work and ordered many of the convicts released and forced Kern County to pay millions in compensation. Nevertheless, Ed was able to remain the county prosecutor for over 20 years, because he was relentlessly "tough on crime," especially imaginary crime. We can all take pride in the fact that Ed managed to ruin so many lives, and yet he personally never had to pay a price - like so many of my friends here on Wall Street.


Ed Jagels could detect criminals that no one else could see

In short, a good conservative prosecutor like Ed Jagels is just what the folks of Freehold need (and deserve!). And I'm sure that Officer Don would agree. Indeed, with Don and Ed working together, all the heathens, witches, devil worshipers and other Democrats in Freehold would be wise to get out of town, quick! Seems to me like Ed & Don would be a marriage made in Heaven (and I don't mean that in any kind of "gay" sense - just a figure of speech, you know).

[Dirk]

Re: Policing Freehold

I heard there was a pie thief active in Freehold, any news regarding that?

[James Dewitt]

Re: Policing Freehold

I and a group of fellow Christian Officers of the Law had a private chat with Mr. 317 in the locker room this morning.

What goes on in the hallowed halls of the FPD isn't for the public to know, but I can say this: Mr. 317 is a lot more familiar with the pecking order around here than he was a day ago.

You have our support and I will be leaving a box of Chick tracts in his locker.

I don't know if I can make it to your hearing at the court, but then again, Mr. 317 might not make it either, in which case you and Jesus win.

Thank you to all of you and your fellow Christian officers.
I hold no grudge, well maybe a little against old lady Johnson. The officer how ever miss guided he was had a job to do. Ofc Don stop by my home tomorrow , I have a case of porterhouse steaks that need investigation.

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

I and a group of fellow Christian Officers of the Law had a private chat with Mr. 317 in the locker room this morning.

What goes on in the hallowed halls of the FPD isn't for the public to know, but I can say this: Mr. 317 is a lot more familiar with the pecking order around here than he was a day ago.

You have our support and I will be leaving a box of Chick tracts in his locker.

I don't know if I can make it to your hearing at the court, but then again, Mr. 317 might not make it either, in which case you and Jesus win.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Policing Freehold

On the plus side I managed to get the Doctors home address. Clouds do have silver linings.

Ah great, I love those trips! Will it be eggs and tomatoes or stones this time?

Joshua 7:25 "And Joshua said, Why hast thou troubled us? the LORD shall trouble thee this day. And all Israel stoned him with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones."