[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Policing Freehold

Officer Don, your Thanksgiving bust was truly one of the most brilliant stories of police detective work I ever heard. It's worthy of a special episode of 24. I guess being a holiday and all, you were in a charitable spirit and didn't want to employ any "enhanced interrogation techniques" on the prisoners, but still, utterly amazing work. Congratulations!

I hope that you'll repeat this performance during Christmas when ACORN to run that commie "Toys for Tots" scheme. It's nothing but socialism, and those "tots" need to spend at least a few weeks in a jail cell to teach them that being a welfare cheat is a one-way ticket to Hell.

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

[James Hutchins]

Re: Policing Freehold

What a wonderful story of fellowship, giving and thanks for the bounty that is an American right. I hpoe you kept all those sponges moving through the system till well after the jail serves the day old rolls and city water.

[SUV]

Re: Policing Freehold

(Note: Of course we did not actually eat or touch the food that had been partially eaten or even touched by the dirty homeless people. It was safely disposed of.)

Officer Don, have you disposed of their Wine bottles yet?

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Policing Freehold

A heartwarming tale of Festive Joy Ofc. Richards.

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2009

I did NOT want to be on duty today.

Vicky was deepfrying some mashed potatoes to go with our deepfried turkey, and I get a call saying "Officer Borders is sick, we need you to cover his shift."

Like I believe he was really sick. He just wanted out of duty.

So I had to go bust bad guys on Thanksgiving. Well, I figured if I was going to be on duty, I might as well take down as many crooks as I could.

I was just cruising around thinking about Thanksgiving, what it really means, and the true threat of communism.

I started thinking about all the lazy, unemployed people who leech off our tax dollars. I started thinking about soup kitchens and homeless shelters sponsored by liberal homosexual-loving churches.

Then it struck me: Where else can you find more vagrants, crooks and communists than at a Thanksgiving soup kitchen for the poor and homeless?

I went to the nearest gas station and picked up a newspaper. Soup kitchens always advertise in newspapers. I guess they figure the best way to reach their target audience is to print ads on their bed sheets.

I learned that there was to be a free Thanksgiving dinner for the homeless down in the southeast corner.

It was already a little after 12:00, so I had to hurry. I flipped on my lights and sirens and made it in record time, thanks to my police driving training.

When I arrived at the scene, I felt like I had struck the Officer of the Law's jackpot. There were dirty, unwashed homeless people lined up out the door, just waiting there for a free handout like commie Russians in a toilet paper line!

Clearly, I was going to need backup again. I radioed for all the available units we could spare.

With megaphone in hand, I ordered all of the homeless trash to line up with their hands against the wall and feet spread. Some of them, mostly coloreds, just took off running!

I tazed a couple before they got away, and the ones that did make it out were apprehended by units approaching the scene.

Within fifteen minutes we had probably about 60 homeless folks cuffed and sitting on the sidewalk waiting to be loaded into trailers and taken back to the city jail!

Once we got inside we had even more vagrants to sift through! Probably about 80 - 100! I'm not sure what the max capacity of the building was, but I imagine they were well over. I had to write some fines to the Godless commies who were sponsoring the event. Hopefully their church will go bankrupt because of it.

The entire bust was a shining example of our magnificent justice system.

Line them up, cuff them, haul them in. It went on like that for about an hour. It got to the point where we were running out of cuffs so we had to use bailing wire and leather belts to restrain the dangerous and rowdy homeless persons! By the end of the bust, we were shipping vagrants out to Des Moines!

As the building began to empty, I realized there was a lot of food lying around. Turkey, corn, mashed potatoes and gravy, pumpkin pie... These lazy homeless goons were eating better that most hard working American families!

It didn't take us long to make a decision regarding the food. We called in all of the police force to come on down and enjoy Thanksgiving dinner, courtesy of the now heavily-fined communists and busted bums! I called Vicky and had her bring the deepfried taters and turkey, and everybody else called their wives and kids and had them bring their dinners too!

As we all gathered around and asked God to bless our dinner, I think there was a true sense of Thanksgiving in the minds of all the True Christians there for this great Captalist country of ours, the Freehold PD, and my crime fighting abilities.

So if you notice that our streets are a lot cleaner and there is a feeling of safety throughout the entire city, thank an Officer of the Law who was present at this historic raid!

I can't wait to do it all over again this Christmas!

(Note: Of course we did not actually eat or touch the food that had been partially eaten or even touched by the dirty homeless people. It was safely disposed of.)

[Lola Handcock]

Re: Policing Freehold

I did get a glimpse at the occupants of the van,1 negroid,1 messican and I am not sure of the last one,he looked white and had one of them silly round hats on like the Joos wear,say cathreliks wear them too? Anyhow all 3 were men and I smelled reefers coming from the van. I home that helped.One more thing it had California plates..

Thank you for your help,and yes my guns are loaded and I will triple my tithe this month.

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

I need to report a heinous crime, yesterday I found the side of our brand new garage had been painted by Satanic vandals.I later viewed this van in Freehold. Ofc. Don can you catch them?They have some work to do on my garage.

Lola, consider the entire FPD on full alert. The devil is a sneaky adversary and we are on our toes!

Any specific details you can provide about the driver, the van and the artwork on your garage will speed the capture of these dangerous criminals.

In the meantime I suggest that you pray to God for extra protection and double your tithe to Landover just in case. You and Emil should also keep your guns loaded and ready for action.

I'll keep you posted as events unfold.

[Lola Handcock]

Re: Policing Freehold

I need to report a heinous crime, yesterday I found the side of our brand new garage had been painted by Satanic vandals.I later viewed this van in Freehold. Ofc. Don can you catch them?They have some work to do on my garage.

[SUV]

Re: Policing Freehold

"I'mmmm having uhhh baaaaabbbbbyyyyy" she wailed.

Officer Don, obviously this is one of those "hysterical Pregnancies."

So she was really looking to get a "free ride" from yourself - and the rest of us taxpayers - to go see her Mental Health Therapist.

[James Hutchins]

Re: Policing Freehold

Are those people idiots? Ofc. Don, blaming you for the trauma? Are they so stupid that they forgot their little emission nine months earlier? Did they fail to enlist the services of a fine Landoverian True Christian™ midwife the day after they did the dirty deed to ensure proper True Christian™ prenatal care? A proper midwife would of had all the required paperwork and notifications done so there would be no misunderstanding. Nor would there of been a pointless ride to a hospital. My goodness, no one was sick, just a female having a baby. Happens every day. Had they yet purchased 'Babies First KJV1611 Bible"? Do they not know that everything is Gods will and if He wanted the baby born in a '73 Country Squire wagon, who are they to interfere?

It is heathens like this that have no regard for secular or Gods law that just p*ss me off. Ofc. Don, I am amazed at your self restraint. Suffice it to say, there would of been a family of three people on that ground that day beaten and bruised had I been in your place.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Policing Freehold

You expect a driver to have his papers with him, but for something as important as a marriage certificate this oaf thinks he can leave it lying in some drawer.

This says so much about today's "me - me - me" society and the lack of family values.

That birth thing - 6 Billion of us on the planet and there's one man making a fuss about another baby. He wants to get a sense of proportion.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Policing Freehold

"Okay, NOW you can have her." I said. "Be careful moving her to the ambulance, she took her pants off" I warned. They were totally ungrateful for my help.

That's the problem with these liberals, so ungrateful. When we liberated Iraq, all they could do was whine about torture and waterboarding and killing innocent civilians - they never stop to think how many souls we Christians save. Meanwhile, they carry on with their homo fornicating. Rush Limbaugh said that 40% of liberals are queer, but I think it's more like 100%. I just wonder how they manage to reproduce - I guess that the homos grow babies in test tubes. I know The Lord is pissed about homo marriage and abortion - no wonder he allowed ACORN to blow up the World Trade Center (which incidentally, was owned by a Joo).

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2009

I had barely been on patrol fifteen minutes this morning before I pulled over a station wagon for excessive speed and reckless driving. According to dispatch, the car was registered to a young man, Jason Goodrich, age 26.

There was a passenger in the car with him, and she was squirming around and they both looked pretty nervous. I figured they were hiding their drugs and weapons.

I decided to use my loud speaker to communicate with them from my cruiser.

"Attention driver: remove the keys from your ignition and place them on the roof of the car." I ordered.

The driver complied. I was pleased with our progress so far.

"Attention driver: with your right hand, open your car door and exit the vehicle with your back to me." The driver hesitated a bit so I screamed "DO IT NOW!" and it worked.

"Attention driver: Lie down on your face and put your hands behind your back where I can see them, but don't touch your bottom with them." (I would never forgive myself if I inadvertently created a sodomite by allowing him to touch himself back there.)

He seemed confused, but he went ahead and did as he was told.

At this point the passenger was obviously panicked, so I decided to deal with her from a distance as well.

"Attention passenger: With your left hand, open your car door and exit the vehicle with your back to me. Do not assume you are getting away with disrespecting an Officer of the Law by showing your back to him, this is just procedure." (You wouldn't believe how smug these people can get.)

As the woman exited the car, it was obvious that she was very, very pregnant. This situation just got complicated.

She looked like she was about to pop, and her pants were soaking wet. She must have peed herself from all the excitement. There was an expression of distress and pain on her face, and I assumed she was trying to get sympathy.

"Get down on your stomach!" I ordered.

At this point she protested, saying she was in labor and she couldn't get down. Yeah right. Procedure is procedure.

"Get on your stomach or I'll taze you!"

She complied, but it was pretty funny actually because she couldn't totally get on her stomach she had to prop herself up with her elbows. It wasn't exactly to procedure but it'd have to do for now.

At this point I drew my tazer and approached the driver.

"You were going pretty fast back there, don't you think?"

"My wife is having a baby and we're going to the ER!"

A likely story. I asked him how long she'd been pregnant. He said nine months.

"So she's your wife, huh? She better be, if she's pregnant. How do I know you two are really married? How do I know you're not just saying you're married to avoid an infraction for your violation of 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4?"

I whipped out my pocket Bible and read aloud:

3For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:
4That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour;

It was pretty clear he was losing patience. He started yelling at me. "What does this have to do with anything?! MY WIFE IS HAVING A BABY AND YOU'VE GOT US ON OUR STOMACHS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!"

I responded calmly: "Because what you do in your bedroom, when you do it and how you do it is the concern of every Bible believing fundamentalist Christian in this nation and I am here to protect and serve them! NOW SHUT UP."

He wouldn't stop, so I had to taze him. He just kept yelling and hollering and she was crying and screaming about having contracts or something.

At this point I did something I hardly ever do. I called for backup.

Help arrived very quickly. My brothers in arms know that when I call for help, I mean it.

I decided the most logical course of action would be to have my responding officer escort the "husband" back to their house to verify they did indeed have a marriage license, and that they have been married for more than nine months so that we'd know they hadn't fornicated to produce a bastard child. (Those fines can be pretty hefty, and new parents often find they cannot afford to pay them and must then serve time in jail.)

Officer Stevens took the male back to his house, and I stayed with the female.

She sounded like some kind of depraved animal, she kept going "unnngh, oooh unghhh" and then, get this, she started to take off her pants!

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I screamed!

"I'mmmm having uhhh baaaaabbbbbyyyyy" she wailed.

"Well you just hold it in until you aren't in a public place!" I ordered.

In direct rebellion to my command, she just kept going. I decided if she was going to do this, right here in the middle of the street for crying out loud, I'd have to do my duty to keep order and prevent people from seeing her debauchery.

I started digging through her station wagon and found there was a blanket in the backseat, which they used for Lord only knows. I put on my gloves, removed it and put it over her entire body so that no naughty parts would be visible.

Then I lit up some orange hazard flares and established a perimeter around her.

There was a lot of screaming coming from underneath that blanket, and every once in a while I'd just lift a corner of it to yell in, "everything going okay?" and she wouldn't even say anything, she just kept blubbering and screaming.

A crowd was gathering so I decided to make an example of her and preach a little sermon right there. "This is how God punishes fornicators!" I said.

Well apparently some sissy had called an ambulance, because just as I had everything under control, here come those pansy EMT pretty boys.

They said I was "way out of line" and that they were going to see that I was "punished." I just laughed. I could whip any of those EMT kids any day of the week.

"You're not touching that harlot until I figure out if she's married or not." I commanded.

I had to summon up some of my old football moves, but I managed to keep them at bay for about five minutes before I got the call over the radio that the Goodrich marriage license checks out and that Officer Stevens had done the math (twice) and figured that they had been married for 14 months.

"Okay, NOW you can have her." I said. "Be careful moving her to the ambulance, she took her pants off" I warned. They were totally ungrateful for my help.

I know this is a long post, but this whole thing really disgusted me. Nobody cares about public decency or morality anymore. There's no respect for authority, mine OR God's. To think what kind of life that poor kid is going to have with those two dolts as parents makes me sad for the world.

In the end, the husband said he was going to file a lawsuit against me and the FPD for the "trauma" that I allegedly caused him and his wife, and because he wanted to be present at the birth of his son but missed it "because of me." Yeah, it's always MY fault.

It ain't easy being a cop, folks.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Policing Freehold

Ofc. Don, I heard about the arrest. Were you able to get the smell out of the car yet? I really think you should be able to put those people in the trunk on in some sort of trailer mounted cage instead of in the same air space as you.

Good point, Brother James. Having a Negroid in the car could infect the whole vehicle with AIDS. Back in the old days, we had just laws that forced Negroes to use separate rest rooms, but the loony liberal Supreme Court said that was unconstitutional. So now we have to share bathrooms, and you can see the result - the AIDS epidemic has spread to white people. Outrageous! That's why I always wear a condom, even as I type this.

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

[James Hutchins]

Re: Policing Freehold

Ofc. Don, I heard about the arrest. Were you able to get the smell out of the car yet? I really think you should be able to put those people in the trunk on in some sort of trailer mounted cage instead of in the same air space as you.