[Pastor Rune Enoe]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

If your priest does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other parishes that are tired of their priest too. Then bundle up your priest and send him to the parish at the top of your list. If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1, 643 priests. One of them should be perfect.

Have faith in this letter. One parish broke the chain and got its old priest back in less than three months.

Isn't that the way the Pope instructed them to shuffle child-fondling priests from one parish to another?

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Kids are soooo precious....

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, but I'm certain that's irrelevant...

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two
fathers make a bet to see -- in a year's time -- which family has become
more Americanized.

A year later they meet again.

The first man says, "My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at
McDonalds,
and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud. How about you?"

The second man replies, "Bleeep you, towelhead

[Jack]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Q: How do you get a Muslim woman pregnant?
A: Dress her up as a goat
<---

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the River.'"

[Matt]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

What did the lady at the beach tell the Catholic priest?

Excuse me, you're in my son.

[Brother Guy Bayard]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued with a sign that read, "$10,000 per minute."
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.
Finally, the man arrived in the great state of Texas. Upon entering a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 25 cents"!? Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God.... But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call.
....Why is that?

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in Texas now! and it's a local call."

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

So little Jamal comes home from elementary school and is acting really oddly. His mommy comes up and asks him, "What's wrong, Jamal?" He says "We were playing in the playground at recess today, and we started playing 'show and tell'. My (tallywhacker) is longer than everyone else's -- is that because I'm black?". His mother gives him a hug and says "No, son, it's because you're 18".

[Brother Guy Bayard]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

At the end of a small, almost deserted bar in New Orleans sat a huge
black man He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed,
an obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.


After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few
words to the big black man. Leaning over towards him, he whispered,
"Do you want a blow job?"


At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and
smacked the crapt out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returned to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that before. What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the black man replied. "Something about a job."

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Q: A negro, a hippie and a Christian all live in an apartment building. The negro lives on the ground floor, the hippie lives on the second floor, and the Christian lives on the third floor. One day, the house catches on fire. Who survives?

A: The Christian. The fire started while he was at work.

[Brother Guy Bayard]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not too much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her, and guaranteed it would be a wonderful companion.
The woman asked it it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him. Assured that he spoke properly and was well-behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone was quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked, and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Everyone turned around to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarassment.
All the next week she talked to the parrot, explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church services. The parrot understood so next Sunday she put him on her shoulder and went to church. Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began, the parrot squawked, looked around, and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Again the woman ran out of the church.
The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution to her,,,,"If the parrot does that again, grab him by both legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times, then return him to your shoulder".
"That'll work?", asked the woman.
"Guaranteed!", exclaimed the owner.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and. sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!". Without hesistation, the woman grabbed his legs and swung him around half a dozen times and returned him to her shoulder.
A second later the parrot shook his head and said, "It's pretty f@ckin' windy, too!"

[Splitfoot]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A catholic priest has to pee during confession one day. He grabs the janitor and tells him to cover for him while he's in the bathroom. The janitor doesn't know what to do but the priest tells him.
"It's ok. theres a cheat sheet in my booth just look up the sin and tell them what it says."
The priest leaves and the janitor gets ready. A woman comes into the coffesional. She says "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have commited adultery"
He looks at the sheet and tells her "nine hail marys."
She then says "We had anal sex"
The janitor can;t find it on the list anywhere so he tells her to hold on and looks for the priest. He can;t find the priest but finds and altar boy at the altar. He asks. "what does the priest give for anal" The altar boy replies
"A box of cookies!!!!"

[buddychrist]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

PROOF THAT JESUS WAS...

...Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

...Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.

...Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother did not know who his father was.

...Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

...Black:

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

...Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But the most compelling evidence of all - proof that Jesus was a WOMAN:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2 . He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.