[Father Thomas Martin]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?

A pizza is a tasty cheese-covered foodstuff, whereas the Jew is a treacherous accursed lizard that owns all the banks.



And also a pizza doesn't scream when it goes in the oven.

And that's the Skinhead's Poor Attempt at Humor for today.

[Mister Brasil]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Two atheists were pinnned down under heavy fire in a foxhole.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

And that's the Skinhead's Poor Attempt at Humor for today.

Why do you capitalise "Skinhead"? Is it like how you give yourself and the Pope titles that God reserves for Himself? Worshipping me won't get you into Heaven, you know, although I suppose it still makes a bit more sense than praying to Mary.

[Father Thomas Martin]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Why do you capitalise "Skinhead"? Is it like how you give yourself and the Pope titles that God reserves for Himself? Worshipping me won't get you into Heaven, you know, although I suppose it still makes a bit more sense than praying to Mary.

Notice I also capitalized "Poor Attempt at Humor"...It's a joke, making it look like you're doing this as a news column.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Here you are Thomas Martin, a gentle story for you:

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything but if I have to have a wish, I wish you a swift recovery. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."

And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want....a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." and adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out 100s of notes I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

And to think, at Landover, Pastor Thomas Martin would have had a wife and family… Ho Hum... and don't get the idea that this is the story of the Good Samaritan or reward for good works! No Sir, it is a story of superstition, breaking vows and fornication!

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

LMBOWJ

I LOVE it Brother Bathfire!!!!!

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her person al effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and
the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, Naturally...
I assumed you had stolen the car.'

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Customs Declaration
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

And before that man Martin comes along and thinks it’s about a clever priest, let me tell you this is a story of the brotherhood of evil between catlix, how loose women use their charm for bad ends and about depriving Cesar of what is Cesar’s! – Typical Catlix!

[eliot mayfield]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

He said never used on a woman! Not mentioning altar boys!


A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another
and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[David Arnold]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

PROOF THAT JESUS WAS...

...Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

...Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.

...Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother did not know who his father was.

...Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

...Black:

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

...Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But the most compelling evidence of all - proof that Jesus was a WOMAN:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2 . He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

[Juliette]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Pastor Zeke was driving his Hummer around Texas. On his way he met a piece of unsaved trash, an evilutionist. In his unspeakable goodness Pastor Zeke started telling about God and baby Jesus.

The two overlooked the ever busy oilfields on their right and a beautiful sunset on their left.

At one point in their conversation the damned atheist asked: "Well Pastor Zeke, look around, I give you 50 bucks if you can tell me where you see that God of yours?"

Pastor Zeke wasn't impressed, took a nip of his whiskey and looked around to all that beauty surrounding him.

"Well mister," he said, "I give you a hundred if you tell me where He isn't."

[Pastor Rune Enoe]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Pastor Zeke was driving his Hummer around Texas. On his way he met a piece of unsaved trash, an evilutionist. In his unspeakable goodness Pastor Zeke started telling about God and baby Jesus.

The two overlooked the ever busy oilfields on their right and a beautiful sunset on their left.

At one point in their conversation the damned atheist asked: "Well Pastor Zeke, look around, I give you 50 bucks if you can tell me where you see that God of yours?"

Pastor Zeke wasn't impressed, took a nip of his whiskey and looked around to all that beauty surrounding him.

"Well mister," he said, "I give you a hundred if you tell me where He isn't."

Ha, ha! It's funny because it's true.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A member of my congregation shared this with me over tea yesterday. I found it quite amusing!

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own darned blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Virginia Day Templeton]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Q: How do you hide something from a Negro?

A: Put it in a book!

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

How Do You Get Holy Water?









You Boil The Hell Out Of It