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  • Pastor Ezekiel
    Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
     
    • Sep 2006
    • 78552

    #586
    Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

    Here's one about irish papists. Drunks one and all.

    An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.

    The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

    An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

    This happens yet again.

    The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

    Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

    'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

    The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

    Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

    The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."

    The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
    Who Will Jesus Damn?

    Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

    Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

    Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

    Comment

    • Creationist Ron
      Confirmed Enemy of God
      BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
      • Nov 2012
      • 100

      #587
      Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

      A preacher tells his congregation " I want you to read Mark 17 in preparation to talk about the sin of lying." Next Sunday they all come back, and the preacher says "By a show of hands who read Mark 17?" Almost everyone raised there hands, and he said "Mark only has 16 chapters now let's discuss the sin of lying."

      Comment

      • Nobar King
        Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58
        Christ's Guardian
        True Christian™
        • Sep 2007
        • 23748

        #588
        Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

        Grandpa, what Is couple sex?
        An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is a couple sex?

        The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

        Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

        Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?

        The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.
        May you be a blessing to every life you touch.

        Comment

        • Thomas Taylor
          Forum Member
          Forum Member
          • Oct 2012
          • 1486

          #589
          Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

          Five Mooslimbs walk into a bar.
          A taxi driver, a pedophile, a drug dealer, a rapist and a jihadist.

          And that was just the first one
          Isaiah 66:15

          For behold, the Lord wil come with fire, and with his charets like a whirlewinde, to render his anger with furie, and his rebuke with flames of fire.

          Comment

          • Creationist Ron
            Confirmed Enemy of God
            BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
            • Nov 2012
            • 100

            #590
            Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

            Irish guy walks OUT of a bar. Black guy spends time with child. Woman walks OUT of the kitchen.

            Comment

            • Didymus Much
              Unsaved trash, Arrogant Atheist Dick
              • Jun 2010
              • 14076

              #591
              Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

              Originally posted by Creationist Ron View Post
              Irish guy WALKS out of a bar. Black guy spends time with HIS child. Woman walks OUT of the kitchen not carrying a tray of sandwiches and beer.
              FTFY.

              Comment

              • Bjorn Jensen
                True Christian™
                True Christian™
                • Apr 2012
                • 2355

                #592
                Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

                Comment

                • Pastor Ezekiel
                  Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
                   
                  • Sep 2006
                  • 78552

                  #593
                  Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

                  This actually happened to me once when I was doing a Tent Revival in Alabama one Sunday. I announced to the congregation, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

                  With that, an old nigra boy got in line, black as the ace of spades, and when it was his turn, I asked, "What do you want me to pray about for you, boy?" The coon replied, "Preacher, I needs fo' you to pray for help with my hearing."

                  I commenced to put one finger of one hand in the coon's ear, placed my other hand on top of the nappy head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. In fact I prayed a "blue streak" for the boy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, when I removed my hands, stood back and asked, " Well, how is your hearing now?"

                  The old boy answered, "I don't know's sir. It ain't 'til next week."

                  Who Will Jesus Damn?

                  Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                  Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                  Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                  Comment

                  • Nikki Fia
                    Confirmed Enemy of God
                    BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
                    • Jan 2013
                    • 32

                    #594
                    Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

                    A young girl asks her father "Daddy where do people come from?" The father says "Well sweety God created Adam, and Eve, and then we came about from them!". The girl was still confused so she asked her mother the same question, but her mother answered "Well you see millions of billions of years ago monkeys transformed into humans, and we eventually came here today" She was still confused so told her father "Daddy mom told me that we came from monkeys, but you say God made us." The father answered, and said "Well I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about her side of the family!"

                    One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
                    "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
                    "I can't dear," she said.
                    "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
                    "The big sissy."

                    Comment

                    • Pastor Ezekiel
                      Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
                       
                      • Sep 2006
                      • 78552

                      #595
                      Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

                      A joo rabbi and a papist priest were walking down the street.

                      The priest says ''Hey, see that little boy playing over there? Lets go fuck him!''

                      The rabbi said ''Out of what?''


                      Who Will Jesus Damn?

                      Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                      Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                      Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                      Comment

                      • Daisy Mae Johnson
                        The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint
                        Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running
                        aka the Biblethumpin Blonde
                        True Christian™
                        • Sep 2006
                        • 15708

                        #596
                        Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

                        Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
                        A joo rabbi and a papist priest were walking down the street.

                        The priest says ''Hey, see that little boy playing over there? Lets go fuck him!''

                        The rabbi said ''Out of what?''


                        LMBOWJ!!
                        sigpic

                        Tweet me Here
                        My GODLY Bio Here

                        Comment

                        • Nikki Fia
                          Confirmed Enemy of God
                          BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
                          • Jan 2013
                          • 32

                          #597
                          Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

                          Originally posted by Daisy Mae Johnson View Post
                          LMBOWJ!!
                          Whats that mean?

                          Comment

                          • Daisy Mae Johnson
                            The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint
                            Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running
                            aka the Biblethumpin Blonde
                            True Christian™
                            • Sep 2006
                            • 15708

                            #598
                            Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

                            Originally posted by Nikki Fia View Post
                            Whats that mean?
                            Laugh my butt off with JESUS, of course.
                            sigpic

                            Tweet me Here
                            My GODLY Bio Here

                            Comment

                            • BelieverInGod
                              Fourm Member
                              Forum Member
                              • Feb 2010
                              • 9269

                              #599
                              Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

                              A friend sent this to me, thought it was funny.
                              Last edited by BelieverInGod; 04-03-2013, 06:42 PM.
                              Drama queen

                              Comment

                              • Pastor Ezekiel
                                Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
                                 
                                • Sep 2006
                                • 78552

                                #600
                                Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

                                A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

                                The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

                                The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

                                The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

                                When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

                                WHACK!

                                He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with a rod of correction every step.

                                His mom lays a beating on and locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

                                She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

                                "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
                                Who Will Jesus Damn?

                                Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                                Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                                Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                                Comment

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