[Brother Temperance]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Friend, this joke it totally appropriate because it is about the Anti-Christ CATLICK homer priests. I liked it!

It seemed a bit implausible to me. Surely, there's no way a poor little innocent truck driver could give a priest a lift without being raped and murdered? Still, jokes about running down Jew lawyers are always fun, I suppose.

[Enobarbus]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Boisterous Bears
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, give me a beer!"

The bartender looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve beers to bears here."

A lady sitting at the other end of the counter sees there's going to be trouble so she decides to order on more beer and then leave. So the bartender cuts her a beer and slides it down the counter.

The bear, seeing the lady being served begins to get mad and pounds his paws on the bartop shouting, "BARTENDER, GIVE ME A BEER!"

The bartender calmly replies, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve beers to bears here and we don't serve beers to boisterous beers."

The lady finishes her beer but decides to have one more before she leaves. So the bartender cuts her a beer and slides it down the counter.

Seeing this, the bear becomes even more angry and growls at the top of his lungs, "BARTENDER, I SAID GIVE ME A BEER!"

The bartender looks the bear in the eye and says, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve beers to bears and we definitely don't serve beers to boisterous bears."

The lady finishes up her beer and stands up to leave. The bear furiously walks up to the lady, picks her up and swallows her whole.

Still angry, the bear stalks back to the bar and with a threatening glare he says to the bartender, "Now, give me a BEER!"

The bartender, totally unfazed, says to the bear, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve beers to bears here, we don't serve beers to boisterous bears, and we NEVER, EVER serve beers to beers who do drugs."

Confused, the bear says, "Drugs? What are you talking about? I've never done drugs in my life. The bartender replies:

"What about that barbituate?"

[Enobarbus]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Three men are standing on the roof of a 20-storey building.

"You know", said the first one, "the updraft is so strong today, I'm sure that I can jump off the edge of this building and float straight back up".

"Oh, get away with ya", says Paddy, "Ye be havin' us on, it ain't possible".

"You watch this", says the first man.

He then jumps off the edge of the building, and ten seconds later, floats up again.

"By gorra, says", Paddy, "he was right. This looks like fun, I'll do it myself."

Paddy jumps off the building and goes splat on the pavement below.

The third man turns to the first and says: "Sometimes you can be a bastard, Superman".

[Pastor Rune Enoe]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

"You know", said the first one, "the updraft is so strong today, I'm sure that I can jump off the edge of this building and float straight back up".

Well, I'll be.... Was that how He did it?

[Mrs. Rogers]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

(Not so much a joke as it is a cautionary tale regarding the depth of Joo cunning; but as the victim is a boy-buggerer, it is rather funny).

A catlick priest and a rabbi were both out driving their respective cars one day, when the terrible happens: they run into each other head on, in a grinding of steel. Both vehicles are complete right-offs, but incredibly both men survive and crawl from the wreckage completely unscathed.

"It is a miracle!" declares the priest.

"Oy, but you are right!" agrees the rabbi. "It must be a sign from G_d that there should be a greater co-operation between the peoples of our faiths."

"Of course," the priest exclaims, "God wills a greater union between us."

Just then a bottle of communion wine, somehow unbroken in the turmoil, rolls from the priest's car. The rabbi seizes upon it.

"Another miracle!" he whispers in awe.

"It can only be," says the priest, taking the bottle from his new friend. "God must have preserved this wine that we may toast out new union." And with that, he uncorks the bottle and takes a swig. He then hands the bottle to the rabbi... who recorks it, and places it down on the floor.

"But..." stammers the priest," will you not toast our new union?"

"Nah," says the rabbi, "I think I'll wait until after the police have been."

[neko-lear]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Wonderful tale Mrs. Rogers, and one good tale deserves another.

Bran Muffins
-------------------------------------------------------------------
An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like, and you never get fat or sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

[ProdigalSon]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

How about this classic?

A father and his 8 year-old daughter are sitting together on the front porch admiring nature. The girl points to a spider on the steps and says "Daddy, what's that?" The father smiles and says "That's a daddy long legs!" Just then, another spider approaches the first and they begin to mate. Curious, the girl asks, "Is that the mommy long legs?", to which the father replied "No, that's a daddy long legs too!". The girl angrily stomped both of the spiders to death and said "We're not having any of THAT at OUR house!!"

[Virginia Day Templeton]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Q: Why do they call it "soul music" when Negroes don't have souls?

A: Because the media is run by lox-gobbling Hebrew Christkillers.

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

It's Santaist rather than Christian, but seems holiday-appropriate.

It also demonstrates what happens to those who wish to curry the favor of Satan Claws:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so Santa began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less.



PS. After the neighbors left, the donkey bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from gangrene.

TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you!

[SalvationSeeker]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

That last joke doesn't sound very Christian to me.
It sounds like a lieberal hippie joke.
As does the "lessons" one could learn from it.

Jesus tells us to hate sinners, as He hates them, and we are to follow in His footsteps!

The foolish shall not stand in thy sight: thou hatest all workers of iniquity.
Psalm 5:5

And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.
Matthew 10:38

We are not only to worry ALL THE TIME, we are to do better, we are to live in FEAR.
Righteous fear of the Lord! Praise!

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom:
A good understanding have all they that do his commandments:
His praise endureth for ever.
Psalm 111:10


We are not to help the "unfortunate" (as in "give more".) as they are unrighteous sinners. Rather we should tithe that gift to Jesus instead.
Glory!

I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.
Psalm 37:25

For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always.
Matthew 26:11

And trying to kill a donkey is not wrong in any way, they are soulless beings no better than rocks, and we may kill them if we want to.
PRAISE JESUS!

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

And trying to kill a donkey is not wrong in any way, they are soulless beings no better than rocks, and we may kill them if we want to.
PRAISE JESUS!

It's never wise to rush to judgement on these things. I'd feel pretty silly if I killed a donkey for disobeying me, only to find out that said donkey was taking orders directly from GOD:
Numbers 22:21 And Balaam rose up in the morning, and saddled his ass, and went with the princes of Moab.
22 And God's anger was kindled because he went: and the angel of the LORD stood in the way for an adversary against him. Now he was riding upon his ass, and his two servants were with him.
23 And the ass saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and the ass turned aside out of the way, and went into the field: and Balaam smote the ass, to turn her into the way.
24 But the angel of the LORD stood in a path of the vineyards, a wall being on this side, and a wall on that side.
25 And when the ass saw the angel of the LORD, she thrust herself unto the wall, and crushed Balaam's foot against the wall: and he smote her again.
26 And the angel of the LORD went further, and stood in a narrow place, where was no way to turn either to the right hand or to the left.
27 And when the ass saw the angel of the LORD, she fell down under Balaam: and Balaam's anger was kindled, and he smote the ass with a staff.
28 And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?
29 And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.
30 And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee? and he said, Nay.
31 Then the LORD opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and he bowed down his head, and fell flat on his face.
32 And the angel of the LORD said unto him, Wherefore hast thou smitten thine ass these three times? behold, I went out to withstand thee, because thy way is perverse before me:
33 And the ass saw me, and turned from me these three times: unless she had turned from me, surely now also I had slain thee, and saved her alive.

[SalvationSeeker]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

It's never wise to rush to judgement on these things. I'd feel pretty silly if I killed a donkey for disobeying me, only to find out that said donkey was taking orders directly from GOD:
Numbers 22:21 And Balaam rose up in the morning, and saddled his ass, and went with the princes of Moab.
22 And God's anger was kindled because he went: and the angel of the LORD stood in the way for an adversary against him. Now he was riding upon his ass, and his two servants were with him.
23 And the ass saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and the ass turned aside out of the way, and went into the field: and Balaam smote the ass, to turn her into the way.
24 But the angel of the LORD stood in a path of the vineyards, a wall being on this side, and a wall on that side.
25 And when the ass saw the angel of the LORD, she thrust herself unto the wall, and crushed Balaam's foot against the wall: and he smote her again.
26 And the angel of the LORD went further, and stood in a narrow place, where was no way to turn either to the right hand or to the left.
27 And when the ass saw the angel of the LORD, she fell down under Balaam: and Balaam's anger was kindled, and he smote the ass with a staff.
28 And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?
29 And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.
30 And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee? and he said, Nay.
31 Then the LORD opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and he bowed down his head, and fell flat on his face.
32 And the angel of the LORD said unto him, Wherefore hast thou smitten thine ass these three times? behold, I went out to withstand thee, because thy way is perverse before me:
33 And the ass saw me, and turned from me these three times: unless she had turned from me, surely now also I had slain thee, and saved her alive.

Ah yes, brother.
Thanks for pointing that out.

I repent of my former statement about donkeys, of course we should check if the donkey is acting on orders from God first.
If not, then we may kill it.

PRAISE JESUS!

[neko-lear]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

BORING SERMON ? MAKE IT MORE FUN:

Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
See if a yawn really is contagious.
Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest/preacher.
Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.
Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the toilet.
Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
Pretend to be 4 years old. By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.
Try to raise one eyebrow.
Crack your knuckles.
Think about your chin for an entire minute.
Twiddle your thumbs.
Twiddle your neighbors thumbs.
Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.
Practice smiling insincerely.

Then After the Message, thank the Preacher for that interesting and thought provoking message.




BUBBA

There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes I do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick someone... and I know them!"

Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!"

This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know President Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it.

But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!" And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Bubba says "Boss, were never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what-- I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside is Bubba! Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened!"

Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take!

[Petal]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

this joke not christian, but it clean as cold water can get it anyways

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied: "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

Later on that afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Grandfather, are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, grandfather says: "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!"

Still later on that afternoon, he decided to get dinner in a nearby town. Before leaving, he had to urinate but his Grandfather's dog was in his way, drinking out of the toilet. "Grandfather," the man called out, "Your dog won't let me take a leak!"

From the living room, grandfather called out: "Coldwater, get your ass out of the bathroom!"

nows, i got this here next joke in my emails i thinks Satan sent it to me! an it not christian an it not clean, but it need to be posteds so that it can be rebuked in the name of lord Jesus

The old man, living in a nursing home, approached the nurses station with an extremely sad expression on his face.

The nurse ask why he appeared so sad.

His reply was, "My private part died today."

The nurse offered her condolences in an attempt to cheer him up and the day proceeded without incidence.

The next morning, the old man again approached the nurse's station, only his robe was splayed and his private part fully exposed.

The nurse was shocked and told him his private part was showing.

He replied, "I told you yesterday my private part died."

She replied, "Yes, I remember that but it is hanging out of your pajamas today."

He said, "Today's the viewing."