Freehold 4th Of July!

[Brother Harold Porter]

All True Christians™ are invited to Lake Freehold next Monday to celebrate our God-given independance from the repressive and atheist British God-haters.

Let's never forget what this country is about:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Thanks be to God and Jesus Christ in a day to both praise Him and celebrate our independance!

Pastor Zeke will start the day off with a sack race at 8:00 AM. Under his supervision, opposite sexes will be paired for the 100 yard course! (Same-gender sack couplings are of course prohibited).

9:00 - Brother Hutchins will start the archery contest. Any Christian that can sink three arrows in the ACLU bullseye at 25 yards gets free lunch!

I start the battery toss at 10:00 AM sharp. The object is to toss a used Group 24 automobile battery as far as you can into Lake Freehold. Big splashes earn extra bonus points!

11:00 - 12:00 PM is quiet reflection and prayer time as we hear a sermon from Pastor William Nathaniel Sampson on the damnation of the homosexual and methods to witness to future queers to avoid the choice in the first place.

Lunch!! Brother Cranky will be supervising the pig roast and hacking up the ribs just as soon as they are safe to serve. Daisy Mae Johnson will have a plethora of tasty pies in the Women's Tent and Brother Creeser is charged with liquid refreshments(no alcohol this year, please)

1:00 - Reverend Jim Osborne starts the tug of war contest. He anchors the East line, so we need all the help we can get on the West end.

2:00 - Jack O'Fagan demonstrates the fallacy of an old earth in his exhibits. Let's laugh at the "scientists" as he again yanks their pants down!

3:00 - 4:00 Debunking atheism with common sense. Brothers Smyth, Templeton, Alban and Bathfire explain how easily the straw-man arguments of the god-hater are dismissed as prattle and conjecture. Like taking candy from a baby.

5:00 - 7:00. Swimming! Modest apparel please. Let's get crazy with some fun in Lake Freehold! Cannonballs, slides and backstrokes! Mayor Hold will, of course, be on hand to ensure decency.

8:00 - Fireworks! Sister Talitha demonstrates her knowledge of pyrotechnics with a dazzling display of molten and incendiary exothermics over all of Freehold, praise Jesus!

Hope to see you all there!

In Christ

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Freehold 4th Of July!

Thank you, Brother Porter, for listing the events today.

I like the 4th because it's the one day I take my white suit and shoes out of the closet, attach a big American flag pin and walk around.

Without a doubt, Freehold is the most patriotic and Godly city in the entire United States of America.

JJH

[John Creeser]

Re: Freehold 4th Of July!

Brother Creeser is charged with liquid refreshments(no alcohol this year, please)

On duty Brother Porter!!! And sober as Judge Tannor

Are the results in from the battery throw yet (and what a great way to recycle too - see you liberals, conservatives can be environmentally aware as well).

[James Hutchins]

Re: Freehold 4th Of July!

I am exhausted!
I'd like to apologize for the arrows that hit the low riders of the wetbacks during the archery contest. However, I hope they learned a valuable lesson about wearing thier pants so low whilte holding the targets.

Mrs. Whitford once again worn with a perfect score. Three arrows, three wetbacks that will not be going back to messico or where ever.

[Once was lost]

Re: Freehold 4th Of July!

I always regret not being born in the USA.

[Jack O'fagan]

Re: Freehold 4th Of July!

I think that my demonstration of evidence for a recent Earth went down very well. When a group of atheist physics students turned up I thought there might be a bit trouble. However I saw them as they left and I could see where they had tears rolling down their faces. They knew they had been beaten. Another victory for Jesus

Glory!!

Jack

[HTannor]

Re: Freehold 4th Of July!

On duty Brother Porter!!! And sober as Judge Tannor

Are the results in from the battery throw yet (and what a great way to recycle too - see you liberals, conservatives can be environmentally aware as well).

Why, thank you, Brother Creeser.

I was kept quite busy during the day - what with keeping an eagle eye on the punch bowl, and supervising the placement of that second fireworks show held at midnight.

While I managed to ensure there was no alcohol, I was somewhat less than successful in the fireworks department.

During my nearly two days of Navy Seal training back in the seventies, my exposure to weapons was limited to small arms. So I was caught a bit unawares while Brother Bob4God was slipping one right by me.

Well the joke was on me when he launched an RPG into the night sky. What a joker. Although I doubt that flock of Canadian Geese felt the same way.

Still, it was all in fun as we celebrated our nation's birthday.

[James Hutchins]

Re: Freehold 4th Of July!

I always regret not being born in the USA.

Do not feel alone. Anyone not born here feels the same way, I am sure.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Freehold 4th Of July!

I always regret not being born in the USA.

You and most of the world, pal.