How Best to Celebrate One Year of No Masturbation?

[Faith_Machine]

Oh my goodness! Friends, I'd known that I was coming up on my one year anniversary, but for some reason thought that was at the end of April.

Checking the date for my last masturbatory incident, however, I see that by March 31, 2011, I had already gotten a grip on myself myself under control!

So that one year milestone came and went without me even realizing it!

I'm not a big fan of counting the days, weeks, months, or years, because my feeling is that if you've made a permanent, lifelong commitment to abstaining from masturbation, why would you need to keep track of how long it's been?

Just the same, I feel I owe it to myself to have some kind of celebration. Does anybody have any ideas?

Maybe I should have a little "me party"?

[Jack O'fagan]

Re: How Best to Celebrate One Year of No Masturbation?

Treat yourself. Go and splash out on something.

YIC

Jack

[Catherine Moore]

Re: How Best to Celebrate One Year of No Masturbation?

I agree. Grab this opportunity with both hands.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: How Best to Celebrate One Year of No Masturbation?

Very commendable of you faith after all the gratuities displays of female flesh on Sunset Beach during those long, hot Californian summer days.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: How Best to Celebrate One Year of No Masturbation?

Praise Him for helping you remain pure!

I'm not sure what to do for women; maybe the same thing as with the young men in my congregation who have had masturbation issues?

Upon their first commitment to cease masturbation, we give them a Sock Monkey. We tell them, "Whenever you feel the urge, you should spank your Monkey. Choke it, if need be. Pound it, and otherwise abuse it, until the urge passes away." We also recommend they sleep with the Monkey to remind them to grip only their own Monkey under the covers. (We did have a summer camp issue with campers accidentally grabbing each others' Monkeys, but we got that sorted out.)

Usually by the end of their first year, they've pretty well worn out their Sock Monkey. (OK, really by the end of their first month. After that, it gets easier. I hear.)

So, we have a Burning of the Sock Monkey party. Beforehand, I personally inspect each Monkey privately, making note of its condition and how well-worn it seems to be; this will help determine how much counseling the young man requires.

Each stiffened, yellowed Monkey (a result of sweating on it during hot summer nights, I understand) is tossed into a roaring bonfire, followed by a weenie roast!

Then, of course, each young man gets a new Sock Monkey. Rarely are they so abused after that first year, but we still burn them every year. It makes for a wonderful celebration of manhood when a recently-married man brings his Sock Monkey to the Burning, and his Monkey looks as clean and fresh as a full year ago.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: How Best to Celebrate One Year of No Masturbation?

I don't know Reverend Rodimer, all this burning sounds an awful lot like some kind of crazy pagan rituals to me...

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: How Best to Celebrate One Year of No Masturbation?

Well done, that man. Not touching your parts at all is the next logical step.

[Yea-tho-we-walk]

Re: How Best to Celebrate One Year of No Masturbation?

Oh sure, FaithMachine it was probably easy for you quit because you most certainly have 'manly hands'. I was cursed with very feminine hands, soft, velvet smooth and extraordinarily small. My hands are so small that every object that I hold in them appears huge. We once had a chicken that needed to be put down on our farm, so I tried to choke it with my bare hands and wasn't able to, the girth of the chicken was so massive that I wasn't able to fully grasp it. But still I have the masturbation issue somewhat under control, due to the giant picture of Jesus on my bedroom ceiling! I'm still working on what I call the 'shower problem', which I refer to as my Matthew 11:30 problem, "for my yoke is easy and my burden is light". I must still need a bit more Jesus in my life because my load is still very heavy.

[Roberta]

Re: How Best to Celebrate One Year of No Masturbation?

Oh sure, FaithMachine it was probably easy for you quit because you most certainly have 'manly hands'. I was cursed with very feminine hands, soft, velvet smooth and extraordinarily small. My hands are so small that every object that I hold in them appears huge. We once had a chicken that needed to be put down on our farm, so I tried to choke it with my bare hands and wasn't able to, the girth of the chicken was so massive that I wasn't able to fully grasp it. But still I have the masturbation issue somewhat under control, due to the giant picture of Jesus on my bedroom ceiling! I'm still working on what I call the 'shower problem', which I refer to as my Matthew 11:30 problem, "for my yoke is easy and my burden is light". I must still need a bit more Jesus in my life because my load is still very heavy.

What color was the "chicken"?

[Dr Laurence Niles]

What color was the "chicken"?

I hope it was not purple

YIC

[Apotheosis]

Re: How Best to Celebrate One Year of No Masturbation?

Is it still considered wasting seed if you catch it in your mouth and consume it? Not that I would do it! I heard this said before though.

[Didymus Much]

Re: How Best to Celebrate One Year of No Masturbation?

Is it still considered wasting seed if you catch it in your mouth and consume it? Not that I would do it! I heard this said before though.

Unless you're some horrible mutant freak with ovaries attached to your mouth, then yes.

[handmaiden]

Re: How Best to Celebrate One Year of No Masturbation?

Young man, mastubation is a sin and nothing else. Do you expect some sort of medal because you went a year without murdering anybody? Should we throw you a parade because you went a year without lying, worshiping idols, stealing or taking the Lord's name in vain?


You have been cleansed of your sins and ransomed from eternal damnation by the agonizing death of Jesus on the cross. You act like not indulging in self-abuse is some sort of sacrifice, when in reality it is a precious gift given to you by Jesus who made the REAL sacrifice!

You should be so joyously fulfilled by the love of Jesus in your heart that your naughty parts are numb and neglected.

He and He alone should be the focus of any and all of your celebrations.

Remember, it is only the false Catholic church that has catagories or "levels" of sin, i.e. venal and mortal. The Bible makes clear that sin is sin and sin is separation from God and is death and then eternal suffering in Hell.

So stop looking for praise for not wanking your weiner. Why, it's been decades since I last wore a poly-cotton blend pantsuit and you don't hear me boasting about it!


Reproachfully Yours,

Handmaiden

[Faith_Machine]

Re: How Best to Celebrate One Year of No Masturbation?

You are absolutely right, Handmaiden! I've decided to cancel that "me party," and instead throw a Jesus party!

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: How Best to Celebrate One Year of No Masturbation?

You are absolutely right, Handmaiden! I've decided to cancel that "me party," and instead throw a Jesus party!

So will you be keeping the Sock Monkey I sent you?