Secular Devil Music...rewriting this filth so that it jibes with scripture

[Witch Hammer]

Every single song written by secular recording "artists" since the invention of electricity has been about nothing other than wanton godless fornication and devil worship. I say it's time to rewrite music history in a format that will be pleasing to The Lord. This is my first, but not last, effort to make Jesus happy by retroactively blotting out some of the filth that has been assaulting the ears of the righteous for over a century now:

Jesus, I'm Coming Home (formerly "momma I'm coming home" by Ozzy Hell-born)
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Times have changed, those queers are strange
But here I come, without a trace of shame
Jesus, I'm coming home
Times gone by seem to be
You couldn't have been a better Lord to me
Jesus, Im coming home

You took me in and You drove sin out
Yeah, when I was first baptized
Lost then found, I'm Heaven-bound
I'll meet You in the sky

satan made me cry, he told me lies
But now I'm glad he's gone goodbye
Jesus, I'm coming home
Your Word is right, the devil's wrong
I am so glad You came along
Jesus, I'm coming home

Unselfish love yeah I was alone
You caught me when I fell
You made soft this heart of stone
And saved my soul from hell

Chorus
I've praised Your Name a million times
Oh, we'll never be apart
I dont care about the world's ways, yeah
cause Jesus, Jesus, I'm coming home
I'm coming home

You took me in and You drove sin out
Yeah, when I was first baptized
Lost then found, I'm Heaven-bound
I'll meet You in the sky

Chorus

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Here is my prayer-list of possible performers, but I know you all have very busy schedules. If it comes down to it, it'll just be Jesus, me and my trusty gutbucket in the recording studio...

Band manager and accountant: Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior of Humanity

Witch Hammer: lead vocals, gutbucket and washboard
Pastor Al: electric harp
Pastor Ezekiel and Tater: lead guitars
Brother Mike: rhythm guitar
Sister Thumper: bass guitar
Sister Talitha: keyboards
Brother Remy: drums (although he's 100% white now, Jesus has NOT taken away his sense of rhythm!)
Sister Petal: banjo (what a blessing that 6th finger turned out to be! Praise!)
The Landover Baptist Church True Christian Choir®: backing vocals
MoonFlower13, lilith and Rachael Von Hellspawn: groupies

Extra (unsaved and therefore un-paid) musicians:

Asian Libby: bamboo flute, gong and dog-skin bongos
Allen, the self-proclaimed "Prince of Polka": accordion, clarinet and kazoo (this guy plays a MEAN squeeze-box!)
Hitoshi: 13-string zither
I'd invite Father Mo to join the band, but he's too busy playing satan's bagpipe right now, if you know what I mean.

[Charlie the Dog]

How can Remy be white?

Sell those songs to soccer moms you'll be one rich dude.

[Witch Hammer]

You ain't nothin but a homer (formerly "you ain't nothin but a hound dog" by Evil Presley)

You ain't nothin but a homer
Fornicatin' all the time
You ain't nothin but a homer
Fornicatin' all the time.
Well, you ain't accepted Jesus
And you ain't no friend of mine.

When you say that you ain't evil,
Well, that is just a lie.
When you say that you ain't evil,
Well, that is just a lie.
You ain't accepted Jesus
And you ain't no friend of mine.

[Bobby-Joe]

Borther Hammer, clearly The Holy Spirit is upon you soul with this post like a bald eagle on an Alaskan salmon.

[Witch Hammer]

Borther Hammer, clearly The Holy Spirit is upon you soul with this post like a bald eagle on an Alaskan salmon.

Thank you, Pastor. And thank you, Jesus, for your guiding hand.
Here's another one for The Lord:

Let's Fear The Savior (formerly "don't fear the reaper" by the Blue Oyster Demon-Cult)

Judgement time has come
Here but now they're gone
Homers don't fear The Savior
Nor do the joos, the nigs or the gooks
Let's not be like they are

Come on baby... Let's fear The Savior
Baby take His hand... Let's fear The Savior
We'll be able to fly... Let's fear The Savior
Jesus is The Man...

Fornications done
Here but now they're gone
Elton John and Lucy Liu
Will burn together for eternity
Elton John and Lucy Liu

40,000 dykes and homers everyday... Like Elton John
and Lucy Liu
40,000 worthless sinners everyday... Redefine
suffering
Another 40,000 coming everyday...lets not burn
like they will

Come on baby... Let's fear The Savior
Baby take His hand... Let's fear The Savior
We'll be able to fly... Let's fear The Savior
Jesus is The Man...

Yeah, they hate God's Son
Here but now they're gone
Came the last night of faithlessness
And it was clear they wouldn't repent
The door was open and 'old scratch' appeared
Into hell they fell and then disappeared
Their fading screams,yeah, you could hear:
Screaming, "I'm so afraid!!"

Come on baby... And because we loved and feared
Yeah, we'll run to Him... We'll be able to fly
Looking backward, we'll watch them fry
We won't burn like they are
We will have taken His hand,
We won't burn like they are

Come on baby...Let's fear The Savior

[Brother_Mike]

I love these brother, keep them coming

[Brother V]

Band manager and accountant: Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior of Humanity

Witch Hammer: lead vocals, gutbucket and washboard
Pastor Al: electric harp
Pastor Ezekiel and Tater: lead guitars
Brother Mike: rhythm guitar
Sister Thumper: bass guitar
Sister Talitha: keyboards
Brother Remy: drums (although he's 100% white now, Jesus has NOT taken away his sense of rhythm!)
Sister Petal: banjo (what a blessing that 6th finger turned out to be! Praise!)
The Landover Baptist Church True Christian Choir®: backing vocals
MoonFlower13, lilith and Rachael Von Hellspawn: groupies

Extra (unsaved and therefore un-paid) musicians:

Asian Libby: bamboo flute, gong and dog-skin bongos
Allen, the self-proclaimed "Prince of Polka": accordion, clarinet and kazoo (this guy plays a MEAN squeeze-box!)
Hitoshi: 13-string zither
I'd invite Father Mo to join the band, but he's too busy playing satan's bagpipe right now, if you know what I mean.

Brother WitchHammer, I can also play bass.

PRAISE JESUS!!!

YIC
V

[Pastor Ezekiel]

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Here is my prayer-list of possible performers, but I know you all have very busy schedules. If it comes down to it, it'll just be Jesus, me and my trusty gutbucket in the recording studio...

Band manager and accountant: Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior of Humanity

Witch Hammer: lead vocals, gutbucket and washboard
Pastor Al: electric harp
Pastor Ezekiel and Tater: lead guitars
Brother Mike: rhythm guitar
Sister Thumper: bass guitar
Sister Talitha: keyboards
Brother Remy: drums (although he's 100% white now, Jesus has NOT taken away his sense of rhythm!)
Sister Petal: banjo (what a blessing that 6th finger turned out to be! Praise!)
The Landover Baptist Church True Christian Choir®: backing vocals
MoonFlower13, lilith and Rachael Von Hellspawn: groupies

Extra (unsaved and therefore un-paid) musicians:

Asian Libby: bamboo flute, gong and dog-skin bongos
Allen, the self-proclaimed "Prince of Polka": accordion, clarinet and kazoo (this guy plays a MEAN squeeze-box!)
Hitoshi: 13-string zither
I'd invite Father Mo to join the band, but he's too busy playing satan's bagpipe right now, if you know what I mean.

Brother Hammar, I think you have a great idea here of doing outreach to the youth, like Pat Boone does so effectively. I'll be honored to wield my axe for Jesus with you, and I'm sure young Tater will be up for it too. PRAISE JESUS!!

[Witch Hammer]

Brother V, stop by for a jam session...a double bass attack would be divine!
Pastor Zeke, you and Tater tune up. I can't wait to hear those scathing twin leads!

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Thank you, Pastor. And thank you, Jesus, for your guiding hand.
Here's another one for The Lord:

Let's Fear The Savior (formerly "don't fear the reaper" by the Blue Oyster Demon-Cult)

GLORY!! That is beautiful!

but it could use some more cow bell.

http://www.starterupsteve.com/video/more_cowbell.html

[Witch Hammer]

GLORY!! That is beautiful!

but it could use some more cow bell.

Good suggestion! Anyone here know how to play the cow bell?

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Sister Sue Vera.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Here is my prayer-list of possible performers, but I know you all have very busy schedules. If it comes down to it, it'll just be Jesus, me and my trusty gutbucket in the recording studio...

Band manager and accountant: Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior of Humanity

Witch Hammer: lead vocals, gutbucket and washboard
Pastor Al: electric harp
Pastor Ezekiel and Tater: lead guitars
Brother Mike: rhythm guitar
Sister Thumper: bass guitar
Sister Talitha: keyboards
Brother Remy: drums (although he's 100% white now, Jesus has NOT taken away his sense of rhythm!)
Sister Petal: banjo (what a blessing that 6th finger turned out to be! Praise!)
The Landover Baptist Church True Christian Choir®: backing vocals
MoonFlower13, lilith and Rachael Von Hellspawn: groupies

Extra (unsaved and therefore un-paid) musicians:

Asian Libby: bamboo flute, gong and dog-skin bongos
Allen, the self-proclaimed "Prince of Polka": accordion, clarinet and kazoo (this guy plays a MEAN squeeze-box!)
Hitoshi: 13-string zither
I'd invite Father Mo to join the band, but he's too busy playing satan's bagpipe right now, if you know what I mean.

I'm sorry, but there is no way in either this reality or an alternate one that I'm going to be one of your groupies!
I'm sure Lilith and Moon feel the same.

Good suggestion! Anyone here know how to play the cow bell?

Sister Sue Vera.

I was going to say something here, but I'd better not.

[Witch Hammer]

I'm sorry, but there is no way in either this reality or an alternate one that I'm going to be one of your groupies!
I'm sure Lilith and Moon feel the same.

Don't be perverse! I'd never indulge in godless fornication with you or your ilk! I am a saved True Christian, and I won't be tempted by sins of the flesh! You witches are reserved for the unsaved members of the band.

[Brother Temperance]

Here's a secular song I heard the other day, that hardly needs any re-writing at all:

Hang the Pope hang the Pope hang the Pope
Hang the Pope hang the Pope hang the Pope
Hang him with a blessed rope
Let's go to the Vatican, get him out of bed
Put the noose around his neck and hang him till he's dead
Hang the Pope hang the Pope hang the Pope
Hang the Pope hang the Pope hang the Pope
Hang him with a holy rope
Let's go to the Vatican, get him out of bed
Put the noose around his neck and hang him till he's very dead