Fat People in Heaven? I don't think so!!

[Witch Hammer]

No friends, these shiny-jowled behemoths will not be joining us in paradise. Not only will they burn in hell, they will burn hotter & brighter than most, due to their lard content.
Here are a few of the reasons:

1. God hates porkers. Philippians 3:19, Proverbs 23:20-21, Proverbs 23:2, etc.

2. Recent studies show that fat=stupid, and God hates retards. Proverbs 1:7, Psalm 14:1-4, Proverbs 10:13, and so on.

3. Recent studies also show that fat turns men into transgendered freaks of nature, implying breast growth, penis shrinkage and an all consuming desire to be brutally cornholed in a truck stop restroom by dozens of well-endowed, muscular young nigras...I lost my train of thought...oh yes, and we all know that Jesus hates nancy-boys and sodomites. Deuteronomy 22:5, Leviticus 20:13, 1 Corinthians 6:9, among others.

There might be a loophole in there for younger women, who may need a little extra fat to nourish them during long stints locked in the prayer closet or menses hut, or to help them sustain Christian man-children in utero...but I'm not sure.

[Pim Pendergast]

Re: Fat People in Heaven? I don't think so!!

Well said, Brother Hammer. I am reminded of two fat characters from the Bible. The first is Eli. He was a priest and judge of Israel. He got fat off offerings made to God.

1 Sam 2:29
29 Wherefore kick ye at my sacrifice and at mine offering, which I have commanded in my habitation; and honourest thy sons above me, to make yourselves fat with the chiefest of all the offerings of Israel my people?

So God decided to punish him.

1 Sam 2:31-34
31 Behold, the days come, that I will cut off thine arm, and the arm of thy father's house, that there shall not be an old man in thine house.
32 And thou shalt see an enemy in my habitation, in all the wealth which God shall give Israel: and there shall not be an old man in thine house for ever.
33 And the man of thine, whom I shall not cut off from mine altar, shall be to consume thine eyes, and to grieve thine heart: and all the increase of thine house shall die in the flower of their age.
34 And this shall be a sign unto thee, that shall come upon thy two sons, on Hophni and Phinehas; in one day they shall die both of them.

God's word came to pass, and Eli ended up dying by falling off his chair. His own weight killed him.

1 Sam 4:18 And it came to pass, when he made mention of the ark of God, that he fell from off the seat backward by the side of the gate, and his neck brake, and he died: for he was an old man, and heavy. And he had judged Israel forty years.

The second fat man was Eglon king of Moab. He oppressed God's people for 18 years, so God raised up Ehud to kill him.

Jdg 3:20-22
20 And Ehud came unto [Eglon]; and he was sitting in a summer parlour, which he had for himself alone. And Ehud said, I have a message from God unto thee. And he arose out of his seat.
21 And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly:
22 And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out.

Growing fat leads people to become complacent and turn away from God.

Deut 32:15 Jeshurun grew fat and kicked; filled with food, they became heavy and sleek. They abandoned the God who made them and rejected the Rock their Savior.

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: Fat People in Heaven? I don't think so!!

Fat and gay?

What next, lesbien postmen?

YIC

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Fat People in Heaven? I don't think so!!

There might be a loophole in there for younger women, who may need a little extra fat to nourish them during long stints locked in the prayer closet or menses hut, or to help them sustain Christian man-children in utero...but I'm not sure.

Lately I have been wondering if women even have souls. After all, how could Heaven be perfect if we would have to listen to their constant stream of pointless yapping.

God created women to provide company and service to men (1 Corinthians 11:9). Women are like dogs, although barking is slightly less annoying than yapping.

Women were inferior creations from the start. Women are vain (Isaiah 32:9-11). They are stupid (2 Timothy 3:6). They are deceitful (Proverbs 7:10, Ecclesiastes 7:26). Women were cursed from the start for breaking God's laws (Genesis 3:16).

So fat or not, clearly women do not belong in Heaven.

[Talitha]

Re: Fat People in Heaven? I don't think so!!

Lately I have been wondering if women even have souls. After all, how could Heaven be perfect if we would have to listen to their constant stream of pointless yapping.

God created women to provide company and service to men (1 Corinthians 11:9). Women are like dogs, although barking is slightly less annoying than yapping.

Women were inferior creations from the start. Women are vain (Isaiah 32:9-11). They are stupid (2 Timothy 3:6). They are deceitful (Proverbs 7:10, Ecclesiastes 7:26). Women were cursed from the start for breaking God's laws (Genesis 3:16).

So fat or not, clearly women do not belong in Heaven.

I'll have you know, there are certain True Christian™ Women (like me) Blessed with Godly perfection.
I will most certainly be sat at the right-hand of Jesus come Judgement day.
I'LL SEE YOU IN CHURCH!!!

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Fat People in Heaven? I don't think so!!

I bet Satan LOVES fattie gluttons! For one thing they can't run very fast and for another they are a never-ending source of entertainment. I mean who hasn't watched a fattie trying to waddle across the street or dance up a storm. Its funny!



But seriously, GOD hates gluttons.

Proverbs 23:20-21
Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags.

[Witch Hammer]

Re: Fat People in Heaven? I don't think so!!

I bet Satan LOVES fattie gluttons! For one thing they can't run very fast and for another they are a never-ending source of entertainment.

Absolutely, sister! I'll be enjoying the show as well, sitting up on a cloud next to Jesus, in our plush theater seats, watching doughy, unbaptised infants exploding like popcorn in a greased skillet! (John 3:5)

I also imagine Jesus and myself slapping our knees and enjoying a good belly laugh as we watch the chubbies speed-waddling in endless persuit of the ever-elusive winged Twinkie! Good times, I tell you...good times...