Interested in becoming a pastor.

[Faith_Machine]

As you all know, I preach in the streets. Lately, I've been feeling called upon to take it to the next level. Is there an aptitude test I can take to find out if I'm pastor material? And what would be the next step after that? Would I need to go back to divinity school, or might there be some way I could "grease the wheels" and get on the fast track to pastor-hood?

I really feel I could do a lot of good and penetrate the the dark in people's lives with the Good News of His Coming.

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: Interested in becoming a pastor.

As you all know, I preach in the streets. Lately, I've been feeling called upon to take it to the next level. Is there an aptitude test I can take to find out if I'm pastor material? And what would be the next step after that? Would I need to go back to divinity school, or might there be some way I could "grease the wheels" and get on the fast track to pastor-hood?

I really feel I could do a lot of good and penetrate the the dark in people's lives with the Good News of His Coming.

The first thing to do is to get a the AIDS check. No Pastor would have the AIDS.

YIC

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Interested in becoming a pastor.

Dr. Laurence, I've been dreading that. You know I used to have premarital sex, right?

With goth girls.

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: Interested in becoming a pastor.

Dr. Laurence, I've been dreading that. You know I used to have premarital sex, right?

With goth girls.

Sweet Jesus, you did well to find Jesus the way you did.

Goth girls? How did you stomach the cutting, big boots and poorly written slash fiction?

YIC

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Interested in becoming a pastor.

I liked the big boots, Dr. Niles! And the fishnet stockings, and how they went around in public wearing lingerie instead of clothes, and the bustiers that served up their creamy, alabaster breastflesh as though it were a meal on a platter...

Excuse me, I need to take a deep breath and remember how much I hate fornication now.

OK...

I'm better.

As for the cutting, that even appealed to me, because it was a sign of vulnerability and low self-esteem, and I knew it meant I would be more likely to get laid.

Thank you Jesus, for turning my face to the light, and leading me toward a path where I would become a Christian, and hopefully a pastor.

Because a Christian pastor would never, ever exploit somebody's vulnerabilities or low self-esteem!

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Re: Interested in becoming a pastor.

I shall pray for the Lord to rid you of any AIDS that you may have encountered during your disgusting encounters with satanic goth whores, but you must be prepared for the results of your test with fortitude, accepting whatever happens. Have you written Pastor Ezekiel for advice? He will be loving, tender, kind, and gentle in his response to you. Or he will tell you to go lay down until Jesus tells him that you're ready. Either way, you'll come out a winner. Having heard some fairly untalented pastors, I can't help but think there are some people Jesus kind of groans about when they hit the pulpit. You don't want to be one of those. Again, my prayers are with you, sweetheart.

[Alvin Moss]

Re: Interested in becoming a pastor.

Brother, if you have been called then you are ready.

It is a thankless task, the ministry. I have been a preacher since I was but a youth. It takes a certain dedication and willingness to forgo luxury. As an example, I am unable to afford a live in maid (truth be told, I don't want them around underfoot anyway) and I have only the two servants who come daily from 6AM until we finish dinner and the dishes are washed and put away.

The economy has been hard on the tithe. I am barely able to afford my annual sabbaticals to Glorietta, Iowa and Fiji. The airfare alone would pay the annual salaries of an average sized fire department and I am a poor preacher, forced to live outside my means by circumstance. I am forced to drive a domestic car, though it is, of course, a Cadillac Escalade.

But my spirit is filled. It is a rewarding life from a spiritual standpoint, if you can take the danger and hardships.

I urge you to proceed.

God Bless!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Interested in becoming a pastor.

So, you want to be a True Christian(tm) Pastor, eh?

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Interested in becoming a pastor.

Thank you for the link, Pastor Zeke! I will carefully digest that material.

Um, one question:

That part about feeding and superintending the flock? Um, is that figuratively, or literally? I mean, if I became a pastor, could I use some of the tithes to hire a kitchen staff and a superintendent?

I would like to have a large flock, but I don't think I could afford to pay for their food out of my own pocket.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Interested in becoming a pastor.

Thank you for the link, Pastor Zeke! I will carefully digest that material.

Um, one question:

That part about feeding and superintending the flock? Um, is that figuratively, or literally? I mean, if I became a pastor, could I use some of the tithes to hire a kitchen staff and a superintendent?

I would like to have a large flock, but I don't think I could afford to pay for their food out of my own pocket.

Nah, that's just an expression.

The flock is who feeds the Pastor.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Interested in becoming a pastor.

Oh, I'm liking this more and more!

How do I figure out my tithing situation as far as Landover Baptist Church is concerned?

I figure I'd have to quit my job to be a pastor full time, so there'd be no more paycheck for me to take a 25% tithe out of and send to Landover.

Naturally, you wouldn't be expecting me to tithe 25% of the tithe money that I'm taking in, because that's my church's money, not mine.

I'm assuming the church would pay me a modest monthly stipend for living expenses such as soap and tooth paste and whatnot. Do I just take 25% out of that stipend and send that to Landover?

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: Interested in becoming a pastor.

You will have to provide the signs of your anal virginity before the tribunal. You are... intact, aren't you?

I tried to become a pastor myself, and was doing very well until I was screened for sodomy. As you know, very few people have their colons crushed and twisted with a monkey wrench and get to keep them anywhere but in a jar of vinegar for the rest of their lives, much less achieve salvation through Christ Jesus. By the time I was medically evacuated by helicopter from the Florida State Penitentiary to a specialized hospital in San Francisco, the doctors were amazed to find that my wounds had been miraculously healed. I thank Him everyday for raping my wretched anus, so that it could be presented before the unsaved as evidence of Christ's Redemptive Love.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Interested in becoming a pastor.

Wait, uh, there's nudity in this process? Anal nudity?

[Pastor J.C. Manning, M.D., Ph.D.]

Re: Interested in becoming a pastor.

Dear Faith Machine,

While your enthusiasm is charming, I have to add some realism to your expectations here. First of all, please do not quit your job as you are going to need a lot of money for this. Becoming a Pastor is a long journey that has many seemingly unsurpassable barriers in it.

The scripture in Matthew 7:13-14 is a good guideline of how hard it will be to become a Pastor: "Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it." The path to becoming a Pastor is a narrow one, that only very few will be blessed enough to follow.

Fortunately for you, no doubt Jesus is behind this, I am looking for a new pupil to guide towards the next level in salvation. For the amazingly low low price of 270.000 dollar I will guide you on the first step towards the most rewarding job in existence, that of a Pastor! I have taken the liberty of doing a credit check and calculated that with a monthly payment plan of just 2.250 dollar it will take you only 10 years to collect the needed money. I already made the necessary arrangements with your employer. These 10 years you can spend on extra Bible study according to my guideline: How to Study the Bible. Please note I provide this guideline to you free of charge as you are a respected Christian.

During these 10 years you will also become my valet. You will not have to pay for that great honor, again because you are a respected Christian. I do expect a nice present though. I'll leave it up to you to decide between Macallan 1926 or 1946. As my valet you will come in contact with all aspects of Pastoral life preparing for that glorious moment in your far far future when there is a little chance you might become a Pastor yourself. In case you happened to catch any of the rumours about what happened to my last valet, please ignore those, as they are slanderous and not true. I did not use my valet for target ractice, he just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Yours in Christ,

Pastor J.C. Manning, M.D., Ph.D.

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: Interested in becoming a pastor.

Becoming a Pastor is a long journey that has many seemingly unsurpassable barriers in it.

The most integral barrier being the one that must encircle the cleft of a would-be pastor's buttocks. If even so much as a finger has penetrated it, Jesus will know, and therefore Pastor Ezekiel will have been informed. The anus is the drawbridge of the soul. The watchtowers of a pastor's butthole are guarded by angels with flaming swords. Christ will only deploy these angels if He has reason to believe there is something left to protect, not a Leningrad of seed sacrificed on an altar of asslust.

I do not mean to embarrass anybody. It is better to have these matters surface now than to wait until after the application fees have been paid.