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Greetings fellow True Christians! I'm sure by now that you've heard the great news: that uppity beaner Hugo Chavez - the worst dictator since Bill Clinton - has "passed away" (with a little help, hee-hee) from cancer.
When I say "worst dictator," I'm not exaggerating. Chavez was guilty of some of the most horrible crimes in modern history. His many atrocities included raising taxes on the rich, selling oil to Chinese (instead of American) oil companies, opening free health clinics, criticizing capitalism, and...OK, I'll stop. Although most of us have a strong stomach, some things are just too nightmarish to contemplate and thus are better left unsaid. I don't want any of you to get post-traumatic stress disorder just from reading my posts.
After the CIA was privatized by President Bush, my company's black ops people were contracted to stage a military coup in 2002 to take out Chavez. We thought we succeeded, but then some of the generals we paid off betrayed us and started acting like their country's so-called "sovereignty" was more than just a slogan we use on Fox News. So Chavez was released unharmed. Then we tried some of the other techniques previously employed against Castro (ie exploding cigars, poisoned milk shakes) but the slippery devil always seemed to be just one step ahead of us. Although we did take out a couple of kitchen staff and housemaids, our main target - El Presidente - somehow always escaped.
Until now, that is. Although he had his food and drinking water tested, the one thing Chavez didn't think of was the water he used for bathing. Quite a few carcinogenic chemicals can be dissolved in water and will penetrate the skin. It's best to use slow-acting chemicals since these are must lest likely to be detected. We did some testing back in the 1990s to see which chemicals were best at inducing tumors - here you can see some volunteers in Cambodia we used for testing Plutonium-239:
Plutonium gets the thumbs-up from swimmer
Tastes good too!
Since we know which municipal reservoir supplies Chavez's mansion with water, we simply added the plutonium and waited. And now success! True, this was also the water supply for nearly half of Caracas (roughly 900,000 beaners) and thus there was some collateral damage, but I can assure you that the American embassy in Caracas and my company's branch office gets its bathing water from elsewhere, so there is no cause for alarm. Not one American citizen was hurt in this highly successful operation!
This is something for us to all be proud of! The Venezuelan people will be even more grateful to us than the Iraqis were when we liberated them in 2003!
When I say "worst dictator," I'm not exaggerating. Chavez was guilty of some of the most horrible crimes in modern history. His many atrocities included raising taxes on the rich, selling oil to Chinese (instead of American) oil companies, opening free health clinics, criticizing capitalism, and...OK, I'll stop. Although most of us have a strong stomach, some things are just too nightmarish to contemplate and thus are better left unsaid. I don't want any of you to get post-traumatic stress disorder just from reading my posts.
After the CIA was privatized by President Bush, my company's black ops people were contracted to stage a military coup in 2002 to take out Chavez. We thought we succeeded, but then some of the generals we paid off betrayed us and started acting like their country's so-called "sovereignty" was more than just a slogan we use on Fox News. So Chavez was released unharmed. Then we tried some of the other techniques previously employed against Castro (ie exploding cigars, poisoned milk shakes) but the slippery devil always seemed to be just one step ahead of us. Although we did take out a couple of kitchen staff and housemaids, our main target - El Presidente - somehow always escaped.
Until now, that is. Although he had his food and drinking water tested, the one thing Chavez didn't think of was the water he used for bathing. Quite a few carcinogenic chemicals can be dissolved in water and will penetrate the skin. It's best to use slow-acting chemicals since these are must lest likely to be detected. We did some testing back in the 1990s to see which chemicals were best at inducing tumors - here you can see some volunteers in Cambodia we used for testing Plutonium-239:
Plutonium gets the thumbs-up from swimmer
Tastes good too!
Since we know which municipal reservoir supplies Chavez's mansion with water, we simply added the plutonium and waited. And now success! True, this was also the water supply for nearly half of Caracas (roughly 900,000 beaners) and thus there was some collateral damage, but I can assure you that the American embassy in Caracas and my company's branch office gets its bathing water from elsewhere, so there is no cause for alarm. Not one American citizen was hurt in this highly successful operation!
This is something for us to all be proud of! The Venezuelan people will be even more grateful to us than the Iraqis were when we liberated them in 2003!
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