Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!

[SUV]

So that JESUS might see them and guide us with them.

I'll lead off: Everytime I gas up the Behemoth to go Shopping at the Mall, 45 miles away, I find that the Money I've brought to Shop with is so greatly diminished I often just end up having a McStudMuffin and coffee and heading Right back Home!

What is the Solution to this? I need to figure something out before Winter gets here because the tires are beginning to go bald, too, and God Hates "Bald" - why, it says so Right in the Bible!

Oh, JESUS, am I ever riding the horns of a dilemma!!!

SUV

[Rain]

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!

What to possibly give catlick 'relatives' other than a short sharp boot to Hell as He demands....Quite a hard decision!!

~Rain

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!

What to possibly give catlick 'relatives' other than a short sharp boot to Hell as He demands....Quite a hard decision!!

~Rain

Landover Christian Gifts sells a nice little idol of the Virgin Mary trampling the baby Jesus underfoot while the Pope worships her. There is an inscription on the base "The Adulation of the Whore of Babylon" really finishes the piece IMHO. I sent one to all my Catlicker relatives last Christmas. I had to send them the statue under a false name since they are still sore over that incident at my Aunt Catherine’s funeral.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!

So that JESUS might see them and guide us with them.

I'll lead off: Everytime I gas up the Behemoth to go Shopping at the Mall, 45 miles away, I find that the Money I've brought to Shop with is so greatly diminished I often just end up having a McStudMuffin and coffee and heading Right back Home!

What is the Solution to this? I need to figure something out before Winter gets here because the tires are beginning to go bald, too, and God Hates "Bald" - why, it says so Right in the Bible!

Oh, JESUS, am I ever riding the horns of a dilemma!!!

SUV

You need to lift the Tail of the Beast and Face the Situation. First, get rid of the Behemoth an get a cheap Chinese moped. The tires will last forever because you can't ride it 45 miles and live, so just put it in the parlor and let guests use it as a barstool.

Then take the Greyhound Bus to town and find a small apartment behind a vegan fast food joint so your food worries are over. You can rummage through their dumpster until spring brings more berries and apples.

I feel pretty good about being able to solve ALL of your problems at one go!

[SUV]

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!

Why, Pastor Al, I'm In Tears! Did my being (again) newly $avED wear off already, and now it's like I am some sort of lowly Luciferian???

Or is this a hint you want me to go undercover on some sort of secret mission like Mrs. Judy O'Christian did that time she got the tattoo on her leg when she wore that mini-skirt?!

Well now I simply don't know what to do. I suppose I'll wait to see if Pastor got this Revelation from Jesus or if it's because he's been out raiding eggnog stills again.

SUV

You need to lift the Tail of the Beast and Face the Situation. First, get rid of the Behemoth an get a cheap Chinese moped. The tires will last forever because you can't ride it 45 miles and live, so just put it in the parlor and let guests use it as a barstool.

Then take the Greyhound Bus to town and find a small apartment behind a vegan fast food joint so your food worries are over. You can rummage through their dumpster until spring brings more berries and apples.

I feel pretty good about being able to solve ALL of your problems at one go!

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!

Why, Pastor Al, I'm In Tears! Did my being (again) newly $avED wear off already, and now it's like I am some sort of lowly Luciferian???

Oh, certainly not! I was simply trying to get you off the Horns of that Dilemma which, being similar to a Unicorn, can't be too comfortable!

Or is this a hint you want me to go undercover on some sort of secret mission like Mrs. Judy O'Christian did that time she got the tattoo on her leg when she wore that mini-skirt?!

GRRRR! The thought of Judy O'Christian in a miniskirt is giving me the same sort of 'images' Rachael van Hellsing is famous for! STAND BY ME, JESUS!

Well now I simply don't know what to do. I suppose I'll wait to see if Pastor got this Revelation from Jesus or if it's because he's been out raiding eggnog stills again.
SUV

I'm not sure what you are on about. Wasn't my advice the best you heard here?

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!

Do you suppose it's too early to start re-gifting all the crappy fruitcake I recieved from people last year?

Inquisitive, Sister Thumper

[SUV]

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!

I'm not sure what you are on about. Wasn't my advice the best you heard here?

It was....Godly? Yea - Godly! GODLY! I Procalim to all the Heavens it was GODLY!!!!!

Except for the part about the "cheap Chinese moped." Then I'll have that slanty-eyed Hitonme running Right behind.

And now this about "vegan fast food joint so your food worries are over. You can rummage through their dumpster until spring brings more berries and apples."

Is it fermentable, like the berries and apples are?

Dear LORD! I am in such a Christmas tizzy I barely know what to do!

Bless you, Pastor, for continuing to look out for the "smallest and weakest amongst us." (I mean Hitonme. Please don't let him run after my Moped again!)

SUV

[SUV]

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!

Do you suppose it's too early to start re-gifting all the crappy fruitcake I recieved from people last year?

Inquisitive, Sister Thumper

Bless your Spirit, Sister Thumper! I'll volunteer to do away with the fruitcake if you can tell me what those little green things in it are.

SUV

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!

Do you suppose it's too early to start re-gifting all the crappy fruitcake I recieved from people last year?

Inquisitive, Sister Thumper

Early or late, re-gifting fruitcake is a wonderful family tradition. In my family, there's one that we've been passing around since 1974.

[SUV]

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!

Early or late, re-gifting fruitcake is a wonderful family tradition. In my family, there's one that we've been passing around since 1974.

So, Brother, do you know what the little green things are? They kind of give my teeth the look they used to get when I went to those psychedelic dance places before I got $avED and I'd Hate for Pastor to think I was backslidin'

In a Gadda Da Vida indeed!!!

SUV

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!

So, Brother, do you know what the little green things are? SUV

I know what they are. We had them tested in the Landover Laboratories because we couldn't figure out what it was either. But since you wouldn't believe me anyway, I won't tell you.

[SUV]

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!

I know what they are. We had them tested in the Landover Laboratories because we couldn't figure out what it was either. But since you wouldn't believe me anyway, I won't tell you.

Soylent Green? Was it Soylent Green, Pastor? Jesus!

SUV

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!

Soylent Green? Was it Soylent Green, Pastor? Jesus!

SUV

You didn't hear it from ME! Can you believe they call it green pineapple chunks? GREEN PINEAPPLE?!?!?! Give me a break!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!

In my family, we stopped re-gifting Christmas fruitcakes years ago. I accept every single one with a smile, and every spring I use them to patch up holes in the walls of my horse stables and servant's quarters. I made a fine dog house out of them one season. Praise Jesus the dogs who sleep in there don't have fleas any more.