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  • #1

    DANGER! THREAD FORBIDDEN! DO NOT READ!

    I am so upset right now I just hardly know how to begin. Last night after dinner, I retired as per usual to my drawing room for some quiet contemplation before i retired for the evening. I was reclining in my favourite leather la-z-boy, the one with the ice chest built into the base, when I dozed off.
    Booger, my loyal bloodhound , had managed to enter the house through the kitchen, and found me asleep.
    I awoke with Boogers head up my dressing gown, his tongue performing unspeakable acts upon my genitalia. At this exact moment, Jemima and Maria, my 2 housemaids, walked past the drawing room door and witnessed the singularly most humiliating and third most disgusting incident of my entire life.
    I am in a quandary. Do I fire my housemaids and hope they keep their mouths shut, or are more drastic measures required?
    Or, do I have Booger put down (euthanised), and have him replaced?
    What does the Bible say to do in this instance? Good hunting dogs are worth their weight in gold, as are domestics.
    I'm too upset to even read the Bible right now. Please Help.
    The devil, whose business is to pervert the truth, mimics the exact circumstance of the Divine Sacraments. He baptises his believers and promises forgiveness of sins...he celebrates the oblation of bread, and brings in the symbol of the resurrection. Let us therefore acknowledge the craftiness of the devil, who copied certain things of those that be divine."
    Tertullian (155-222 AD) from The Prescription Against Heretics' Ch XL
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Re: Should I kill my Hunting Dog?

    I wonder where booger got that nasty habit? Probably from spending too much time with Jemima and Maria. I'd say get rid of the househelp and keep the dog. At least he'll be loyal until the end.
    May you be a blessing to every life you touch.

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Should I kill my Hunting Dog?

      I’m with Brother Nobar. I never did but get rid of one hound-dog – that was 50 years ago; I caught him in the act of consorting with the enemy.
      Attached Files
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      “We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

      Author of such illuminating essays as,
      Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Should I kill my Hunting Dog?

        Would it be an over-reaction to have the house help put down?
        O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.



        God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Should I kill my Hunting Dog?

          Keep the dog, euthanize the servants.

          A good hunting dog is hard to find.
          Who Will Jesus Damn?

          Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

          Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

          Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Should I kill my Hunting Dog?

            Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
            Keep the dog, euthanize the servants.

            A good hunting dog is hard to find.
            Exactly! House help can be found on the street corner a block away. But a good hunting dog takes time and dedication.
            Gather around so that I can read to you from my book of TRUTH. Genesis thru Revelations....Pick one!

            Luke 12:5- But I will forewarn you whom ye shall fear: Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him.

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Should I kill my Hunting Dog?

              Did you accidentally get peanut butter on there?

              I agree with Pastor Zeke. Why put down such a good boy!
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              Tweet me Here
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              • #8
                Re: Should I kill my Hunting Dog?

                Originally posted by Brother Guy View Post
                . . . I retired as per usual to my drawing room for some quiet contemplation before i retired for the evening. . . when I dozed off.
                Booger, my loyal bloodhound , had managed to enter the house through the kitchen, and found me asleep.
                I awoke with Boogers head up my dressing gown, his tongue performing unspeakable acts upon my genitalia. At this exact moment, Jemima and Maria, my 2 housemaids, walked past the drawing room door . . .
                I think I'd go "scortched earth" on this one and have all three destroyed. And perhaps another layer of modesty sleepwear? Just so it nothing so unspeakable happens in the future. When I "hit the hay" as it were, I'm wearing the typical summer nighttime attire of two layers of pure wool, full coverage modesty pajamas. And I don't even own a dog.
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                Winging our Way Across the World for The Lord!



                God Bless John Boehner and God Bless the Grand Old Party!



                Barack Hussein Obama is not My President!!!

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Should I kill my Hunting Dog?

                  Brother, good dogs are hard to find. You can get nigra domestics anywhere. Off the maids.

                  YIC


                   Leviticus 26:27-29

                  27 And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me, but walk contrary unto me;
                  28 Then I will walk contrary unto you also in fury; and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins.
                  29 And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Should I kill my Hunting Dog?

                    I must agree with those who recommend euthanizing the maids. As the old saying goes, dogs, not servants, are man's best friends.
                    Mark 16:17 And these attesting signs will accompany those who believe: in My Name they will drive out demons.

                    1 Kings 21:14 Then they sent to Jezebel, saying, Naboth is stoned . . .

                    A SPIRITUAL WARFARE PRAYER:
                     Father, In Jesus' Name, I take the Blood of Jesus and break the power of all witches, warlocks, wizards, satanists, sorcerers, wiccans, pagans, and any other source, and all of their rituals off of us. With the Blood of Jesus, I erase all evil lines drawn on our liver. . .
                    LANDOVER BAPTIST DEMON HUNTING PERMIT #00666-27

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                    • #11
                      Re: Should I kill my Hunting Dog?

                      I 've found a compromise that will enable me to retain both the domestics and of course Booger, and everyone is going to keep their mouths SHUT!!! (except Booger)
                      Me: Camera + shotgun + fear of social ostracism
                      Maria + Jemima: peanut Butter + fear of deportation
                      Booger: Enthusiasm and healthy appetite
                      Once I combine all these elements and if everything goes according to plan, I will be able to retain the Help and keep the Dog, and still be able to fulfil my public speaking appointments.
                      Problem solved.
                      The devil, whose business is to pervert the truth, mimics the exact circumstance of the Divine Sacraments. He baptises his believers and promises forgiveness of sins...he celebrates the oblation of bread, and brings in the symbol of the resurrection. Let us therefore acknowledge the craftiness of the devil, who copied certain things of those that be divine."
                      Tertullian (155-222 AD) from The Prescription Against Heretics' Ch XL

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        Re: Should I kill my Hunting Dog?

                        Originally posted by Brother Guy View Post
                        I 've found a compromise that will enable me to retain both the domestics and of course Booger, and everyone is going to keep their mouths SHUT!!! (except Booger)
                        Me: Camera + shotgun + fear of social ostracism
                        Maria + Jemima: peanut Butter + fear of deportation
                        Booger: Enthusiasm and healthy appetite
                        Once I combine all these elements and if everything goes according to plan, I will be able to retain the Help and keep the Dog, and still be able to fulfil my public speaking appointments.
                        Problem solved.
                        Praise Jesus! Now no-one needs to know.

                        Should I get Wash O'Hanley to lock this thread now?
                        O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.



                        God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.

                        Comment

                        • #13
                          Re: Should I kill my Hunting Dog?

                          Originally posted by Brother Temperance View Post
                          Praise Jesus! Now no-one needs to know.

                          Should I get Wash O'Hanley to lock this thread now?
                          agreed .
                          discretion is of the utmost importance.
                          I believe this situation is commonly known as 'damage control'.
                          The devil, whose business is to pervert the truth, mimics the exact circumstance of the Divine Sacraments. He baptises his believers and promises forgiveness of sins...he celebrates the oblation of bread, and brings in the symbol of the resurrection. Let us therefore acknowledge the craftiness of the devil, who copied certain things of those that be divine."
                          Tertullian (155-222 AD) from The Prescription Against Heretics' Ch XL

                          Comment

                          • #14
                            Re: Should I kill my Hunting Dog?

                            Originally posted by Brother Guy View Post
                            agreed .
                            discretion is of the utmost importance.
                            I believe this situation is commonly known as 'damage control'.
                            OK, so we need to get Wash O'Hanley over here as quickly as possible so he can lock this thread before anyone sees it. Can anyone think of how we can get his attention over here? It'll need to be something pretty eye-catching.
                            O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.



                            God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.

                            Comment

                            • #15
                              Wash o'hanley Lock this thread down

                              Originally posted by Brother Temperance View Post
                              OK, so we need to get Wash O'Hanley over here as quickly as possible so he can lock this thread before anyone sees it. Can anyone think of how we can get his attention over here? It'll need to be something pretty eye-catching.
                              There - do you think this will work?
                              The devil, whose business is to pervert the truth, mimics the exact circumstance of the Divine Sacraments. He baptises his believers and promises forgiveness of sins...he celebrates the oblation of bread, and brings in the symbol of the resurrection. Let us therefore acknowledge the craftiness of the devil, who copied certain things of those that be divine."
                              Tertullian (155-222 AD) from The Prescription Against Heretics' Ch XL

                              Comment

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