My son's been arrested!

[DolliMoans]

Hello Landover, I come once more with some distressing news about one of my squirts, informed to me by Mr. Bubble Buck. Last evening at 18:25, he sent me this message:

I was combing through the Daily Republican when I saw a picture of a young strapping man who looked an awful lot like your son Boomhauer.




I am not entirely sure what he did but I thought you should be informed since you are his mother. I knew when I saw the shirt design that it was most definitely little Boomhauer. Did you know this? Have you been keeping a headcount dear?

I didn't notice Buck had sent me this message for a good several hours, but then, I also didn't realize little Boomie was missing, until now. I sent Mr. Moans to the county police station to find out whats up, and we shall wait with held breath to find out just what he did. I should mention Boomie isn't the sharpest awl in the shed and I hope this is just a special misunderstanding. I'm sure justice and his precious whiteness will prevail somehow.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: My son's been arrested!

Should I not plan on seeing Boomie in camp?
Oh, if only my former attorney friend were still alive. He was eaten, you see, while on holiday in Papua. It was truly sad. He would have certainly assisted you.


How old is Boomhauer? I'm just noticing a supervision issue in your household that concerns me. I'm not trying to offend; just relaying a friendly niggle. Know that Boomie is in my prayers.

[DolliMoans]

Re: My son's been arrested!

Hello Brother Larry,

I think we will get Boomie out of this fix before long, and he can attend camp afterall. Just need to sort some matters out with the chief of police first. They are usually understanding over boys being boys. Anyway, I have an update.


UPDATE

Mr. Moans just phoned right this minute to inform Boomhauer has been located safe at the county police department. He is currently being looked after by the police chief who said that Boomie took off to perform a bit of mischief; he broke into a prominent sex shop and wrought havoc, dismembering mannequins and stripping their bare, and stuffing his shirt with high end dildos and vibrators, all the while holding the owners at gunpoint (Later revealed to have been a super soaker).




Reflecting, I can see how this must have been all my fault, and once more chaos broke loose due to my cutting corners. The night before for our usual bedtime Bible reading, I picked the one about the Jews and Law, Romans 2. I had the youngsters gathered about, though we started late. I was getting near the end...


...21Thou therefore which teachest another, teachest thou not thyself? thou that preachest a man should not steal, dost thou steal? 22Thou that sayest a man should not commit adultery, dost thou commit adultery? thou that abhorrest idols, dost thou commit sacrilege? ...


Then it was suddenly 7 o clock, their bedtime, and I cut off from there, not getting to the part about obeying the law. The last thing Boomhauer must have heard was the bit about the idols and got some ideas in his head.

And so, he never heard the full Truth, and being the slow little peckerhead he is, the Godly Old English of King James must have boggled his soft brain into thinking it WAS okay to steal! It's a lesson to me to preach the Good News and indoctrinate my youngsters more responsibly.


Mind you, deep down, I want to commend him for his choice of attack. A sex shop indeed! And so close to where we live! He meant well by vandalizing that den of iniquity. I think the laws here ought be changed to ban such establishments, and then little Christian boys and girls wouldn't have anything to get riled up and excited over.

[DolliMoans]

Re: My son's been arrested!

Rectal demons.... I never would have thought.

Thank you Pastor Zeke, for the revelation. I will ask Mr. Moans to inform the Chief of Police, Chief Sergeant Trout McHandler, immediately and will send him your way for a tighter inspection once he's discharged from custody. This likely explains the case of pinworms Boomie came down with last week.

[Jim C. Lombardo]

Re: My son's been arrested!

Hi Dolli,

I want to express my Christian concern for your son, and it seems drastic action is what is best for him. I am worried that Satan has gotten 'hold of him, due to your negligence, but not only that, I have reason to think Satan has been moving through your son for quite some time now, as you claim that he is in fact retarded. That is a red flag right there; all retards are that way because they've been cursed by God.


You may wish to read an old thread here about it; basically, Boomie is not your really your kid, and never was, but is a child of the Devil.


I highly suggest you let me speak one-on-one with your husband and the officer holding your son in custody. The men in the picture will clearly have better handle on affirmative action than you would, as you are a woman, and appear to have a role to play in this mishap. I'm sending him a fax as I am writing this.

Best,
Jim

[DolliMoans]

Re: My son's been arrested!

Yes Jim, you are right as usual. I should take a backseat and let Boomie's fate be in the hands of God and the men from here on in.



UPDATE:

I've received notice from the police station that upon urgent request from some of the concerned men here, that Chief McHandler is conducting an official DRI (Demonic Rectal Investigation), with Mr. Moans on hand to keep Boomie calm. As the station has run out of truncheons for this delicate procedure (due to the high volume of inner ghetto crime where the necessity for those batons is of more pressing priority to beat back volatile nigras), McHandler has resorted to conduct his probing using the lifted wares Boomhauer stole from the sex shop. A more detailed backroom progress report will be available on-call.

[Bubba Buck]

Re: My son's been arrested!

Dear DolliMoans,

I am sending a bunch of prayers your way. I am glad I recognized little Boomhauer on the front page of the Daily Republican. I had no idea what has been happening to him was so severe though. I can only imagine the heart ache you and your family must be going through. Even though Boomie is retarded, it does not excuse his behavior though and I hope swift punishment and appropriate rehabilitation of your son occurs soon. Has your husband considered using a nearby stoning hole? If not, I am certain the police will help with that soon enough.

[DolliMoans]

Re: My son's been arrested!

Thank you for your diligent eyes Mr. Buck, and your kind prayers. Constant rectal checks, prayer and Jesus are truly the best medicine for a child. I am getting constant tweets from Mr. Moans on Boomie's progressing DRI status.

UPDATE

Chief McHandler says things are looking grim. He's aghast at the overwhelming demonic presence in a six-year old's colon. He says he's never seen a worst case in his life. Boomiehas been issued round-the-clock guard watch, with hourly enemas to to try and tease the enemy, Satan out from the excretory canal. McHandler fears if demonic activity continues to persist by the end of the week, little Boomie will have to be put down, and it will be one of the hardest choices an officer of the law can make.


The suspense is truly nerve-wracking. If he dies with Satan still a'hold of him, Boomie's damned for sure. My only consolation is that if my son is slain, it must be what God really wants, and it's not for me to question His mysterious decisions. I will accept whatever happens, I must be strong through these tough hurdles, and the silver lining after all is that Jesus may just want one less mouth for me to feed, and lighten my own struggle as a reward for loving Him so much.

[DolliMoans]

Re: My son's been arrested!

UPDATE

At approximately 16:30:45 PM, Boomhauer was returned to the Moans clan safe, escorted by Mr. Moans and Officer Dick Hankie, under orders from Chief McHandler. He looked rather shaken and very tired, but otherwise, fine.


I'm glad this distressing business has been resolved so I can finally sleep at ease.

[Bubba Buck]

Re: My son's been arrested!

Sounds like your son had to undergo a very severe demon cleansing. That'll teach your retarded kid not to have homo-erotic tendencies for a while hopefully. What is his punishment on the home front?

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: My son's been arrested!

Hi Dolli,

I want to express my Christian concern for your son, and it seems drastic action is what is best for him. I am worried that Satan has gotten 'hold of him,

I don't have the talent myself, but that sounds like a fine subject for one of your songs.

[DolliMoans]

Re: My son's been arrested!

Sounds like your son had to undergo a very severe demon cleansing. That'll teach your retarded kid not to have homo-erotic tendencies for a while hopefully. What is his punishment on the home front?

Mr. Moans stuck some old rubber balls into his mouth and made him recite the entirety of Romans 2, so that it forced him to enunciate with refined American English while understanding the Word of God properly.

[Carsalesman]

Re: My son's been arrested!

Disgusting. You should not stick balls in your children’s mouth. That’ll make them gay.

[Bubba Buck]

Re: My son's been arrested!

Mr Moans is heavily influential in the area where Dolli's family lives. If Mr Moans believes that strategy will make little retarded Boomy closer to God, I have no reason to doubt it. With the actions Boomy has done in that sex shop, I highly doubt the family has to worry about him liking the butt or penis.

Speaking of which, how has Boomhauer been? Any charges brought against him? Any word on his remorse?

[Carsalesman]

Re: My son's been arrested!

Ah ok. That kid is a sinful one though.