Ask Aunt Annie: The Strange Child

[Johny Joe Hold]

I'm so grateful to Aunt Annie for stopping by City Hall yesterday. I had to ask her twice but she finally dug out this letter:

Dean Aunt Annie: My wife and I have been married for several years and through most of that time things have gone well. We had two children and then, a little surprise, we had a third. This third child is growing up and every year, really every day, she makes me heart sick. The other two children look like me, have my personality and are my pride and joy. This third one looks different and acts differently. I try to ignore my suspicions about her but I can't. I'm convinced I am not her father. My wife got angry when I accused her of unfaithfulness. I'm torn up about this--what should I do? Sad Dad.

Dear Sad--My goodness, dear, life has put you in a tough spot. I'll try to help. Have you ever heard the song, "Hit the Road Jack." You need to take that song to heart. Yes, you need to leave your house and never come back. Your wife obviously cheated on you and now will not fess up. The responsibility of the first two children is now hers because she did not keep her marriage vows. You must refuse to pay child support. Find yourself a new Christian wife that will keep her vows and start over again. God bless you.
Aunt Annie

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Ask Aunt Annie: The Strange Child

Dear Mayor,

Johnny, Aunt Annie's arrival seems to have cause quite a stir. I found this in the Gold Tithers' chapel.

Would you be so good as to pass it on to "Aunt Annie" for a reply?

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Ask Aunt Annie: The Strange Child

Dear Mayor,
Johnny, Aunt Annie's arrival seems to have cause quite a stir. I found this in the Gold Tithers' chapel.

Would you be so good as to pass it on to "Aunt Annie" for a reply?

Thank you Pastor Bathfire. I found Aunt Annie in a back room of the Senior Center playing cards with three other ladies. "They said you were back here playing Canasta," I said. "I've never seen that played with chips." One of the ladies scowled at me. Aunt Annie looked at me over her glasses and asked, "What's on you mind Mayor?" It turned out she had already received that letter from Kylie and gave me a copy of her response.


Dear Kylie, Thank you for writing me a letter. You are really a grown up young man. Let me tell you about your rabbit.

In the Bible sometimes God uses big words. In Genesis he says the word "dominion." It means we eat the fishes that swim and the bunnies that hop.

I found a little movie that is perfect for you. It has three little boys like you eating their rabbit. Have you big brother show you this movie. God bless you Kylie.

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=cooking+rabbit%2c+children&docid=608045138767250360&mid=0DD5D546A29352EA569F0DD5D546A29352EA569F&view=detail&FORM=VIRE

[WWJDnow]

Re: Ask Aunt Annie: The Strange Child

This is why I recommend that every man, when his wife gets pregnant, force her to undergo the ordeal of bitter water in Numbers 5:11-31. You should click the link to read it directly in the Bible, but here's a summary:

The husband brings his pregnant wife to a priest (a Jewish hereditary priest, not one of those Catholic homos). The priest mixes dust from the floor of the tabernacle and ink into holy water and forces the wife to drink it. If she was unfaithful, she'll get sick and miscarry the child. If she was faithful to her husband, then she won't lose the baby. This procedure is 100% effective. The only downside is that, since the tabernacle was destroyed 2,000 years ago, the Jews charge exorbitant rates for the floor dust. Nevertheless, it's much cheaper than raising the Mexican gardener's child as your own.