BREAKIN' WIND IN CHURCH ... WILL GOD HATE YOU ?

[Captain_Asshat]

Hey knuckleheads!

So ah was at a Church service a few months back... OK so it was ma Baptizm... you asshats got a problem wi that???

Anyways, so ma pastor was in the middle of Baptizin' me when ah needed to break wind real bad. I put it down to those 6 burritos I had for lunch!!! It was a real loud one, an lik, some old woman passed out cos the smell so bad. Pretty funny! She fell over, an had to be rushed to Hospital!!! The whole Church had ta be exvacuated shortly after cos it smell so bad!

Anyways, So what am askin is - do ya all think God's mad at me for fartin in Church?

What should ah have done??? Tried ta hold it in, or ran outta Church an farted outside?? Didn't want ta do anythin wrong givin that I was gettin baptized an all?

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: BREAKIN' WIND IN CHURCH ... WILL GOD HATE YOU ?

Involuntary antisocial behavior can be viewed in several lights:

The Vileness Of A Sinner
This is you; even you have to admit that you are vile and to serve as an example to us all not to drop babies on their head when small. Your coarse behavior all your life (at least as shown on these boards) make everyone else feel better, so there is a purpose in your existence.

The Test from The Lord
The Lord is keen on tests, the best known is Job in the OT and the Temptation of Christ in the Wilderness in the NT. These were noble and uplifting histories, filled with Godliness, greatness, honor, self-discipline, and strength of character – great characters set against a great backdrop!

Now, why would you be tested? Well obviously, not every test is a life and death matter, not every test shows the great at their best – there are minor tests. The Lord needed to see the path you chose to take, and extrapolate from that the reaction of you, your Pastor and the congregation.


The Lesson to be learned
Most of all, the lessons are there to be taken:

• You are a thoughtless oaf of tasteless character and limited intellect and yet your life has a purpose; you are there to test others in how to behave in a Christian manner in extremis.
• You are there to shake the self complacency of the Christian middle class and middle minded – to have them question their commitment to Christ.
• You are there to show what sort of a Pastor it is who would order the evacuation of a church, merely because you were on the way to evacuating your bowels – Hardly Daniel in the Lions’ Den, hardly Jonah in the Whale, hardly a plague of Egypt, was it? I reckon the pastor gave up too easily.

OK, it will never happen again. So there’s no point in giving a ruling – you, the Pastor, the congregation have all got your answers, God rarely repeats Himself, He doesn’t have to. Your church is rubbish – the Pastor lacks faith and dedication, the congregation are wusses.

You are not allowed within 100 miles of Landover- find somewhere else, I suggest a church for the deaf, at least they’ll never know who dealt it.

[Nobar King]

Re: BREAKIN' WIND IN CHURCH ... WILL GOD HATE YOU ?

Hey, Captain, have you ever considered some active carbon undies? Maybe that would help filter out the stench.

[Don Bozo el Guapo]

Re: BREAKIN' WIND IN CHURCH ... WILL GOD HATE YOU ?

Hey knuckleheads!

So ah was at a Church service a few months back... OK so it was ma Baptizm... you asshats got a problem wi that???

Anyways, so ma pastor was in the middle of Baptizin' me when ah needed to break wind real bad. I put it down to those 6 burritos I had for lunch!!! It was a real loud one, an lik, some old woman passed out cos the smell so bad. Pretty funny! She fell over, an had to be rushed to Hospital!!! The whole Church had ta be exvacuated shortly after cos it smell so bad!

Anyways, So what am askin is - do ya all think God's mad at me for fartin in Church?

What should ah have done??? Tried ta hold it in, or ran outta Church an farted outside?? Didn't want ta do anythin wrong givin that I was gettin baptized an all?

Ya cudda blamed it on the women who passed out. whos gonna know?

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: BREAKIN' WIND IN CHURCH ... WILL GOD HATE YOU ?

Ever since we instituted the "minority" section that is hermetically sealed from the rest of the congregation, I haven't noticed and vile smells or other unseemliness

[Dreamer]

Re: BREAKIN' WIND IN CHURCH ... WILL GOD HATE YOU ?

Next time don't eat burritos when ya git baptized, u freaking MORON!!! Looks like you'll have to take a year of intense Bible Boot Camp and get re-baptized again - next year.