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Friends, it seems God has willed that Dr. Laurie retire from her post as the Freehold Truth And Light advice columnist. She is retiring because she has other priorities, and there is no truth whatsoever in the medication scandal rumors.
To celebrate her distinguished career, here are a few of her most popular works:
What Would Jesus Do with Dr. Laurie
So, who needs advice? I've got a PHD here, surely I know more about your life than you do! Let's here it: people needing to hit their kids more, wives needing to submit to their husbands, children who need to shut up and obey, I have advice for everyone.
Does Jesus talk to you, but your liberal-bias mental health worker wrongly diagnosed you as paranoid scitsophrenic? Are you having trouble deciding between following the Bible and obeying secular laws? Need a way to teach your wife to respect and obey without leaving visible marks? The doctor is in.
Are you an unbeliever? Let your empty, souless, pointless existence be filled with the loving light of Jesus Christ, thanks to the advice-giving of Dr. Laurie Schwarzkopf, PHD! Jewish or Muslim? Let the doctor slap some sense into you (with a porkchop!) Hindu? Same thing, only with beef ribs! Let the advice giving begin!
Darling, you have already recieved good advice: read the Bible:
Leviticus 21
16. And the Lord spake unto Moses, saying,
17. Speak unto Aaron, saying, Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God.
18. For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous,
19. Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded,
20. Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;
21. No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the Lord made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God.
Honey, you have a blemish, and that means you can't come to Church. I'm sure there's some cafeteria Christians who pick and choose what they want to believe who might help you, but they will just be wheeling you down the slimey, spiralling pit that leads to the boiling torment of eternal hellfire.
Lame and crookbackt people can be saved, they just can't come to church, that's all. Now please stop sitting outside on Sunday and crying, it looks really strange and the non-Churchgoers have started talking.
What Would Jesus Do? Good question, in fact Jesus was once in a situation very similar to yours. Jesus liked those spa things, he was especially into foot-washing, especially having his feet rubbed by a woman's hair with extremely expensive ointment:
"Then took Mary a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair."
– John 12:3
A pound of Spikenard Ointment at that time was worth 300 denarii, or about year's wages.
Surely, says Judas, the money could have gone to the poor? Jesus says no way,
"For the poor always ye have with you; but me ye have not always."
– John 12.8
So, What Would Jesus Do? Have a woman wipe ointment worth tens of thousands of dollars on his feet with her hair, while telling the poor to shut up and get a job, that's What Jesus Would Do. In your case, 500 bucks of spa mud will be close enough.
Dear Shocked:
If I was some sort of permissive liberal doctor, I would probably talk about nonsense like PTSD, which in reality means Pansy-Treated-Softy-Disorder, basically in the good old days it was called "cowardice" and "having no moral fibre". By being afriad, your husband is disobeying the word of the LORD:
In Isaiah 41:13 God says "Do not fear I will help you..." and Jeremiah 1:8 "Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you". A true Christian cannot suffer combat stress because when you turn to the Lord Jesus Christ you recieve real inner peace. Anyone who does not feel the peace of Christ apon them obviously has not accepted Him into their heart. Jesus said in John 10:27-28 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
That is a command straight from God: DO NOT BE AFRAID. This is why the origonal method of treating "shell shock" in WW1 was with punishment, especially electric shocks. Back in the days before permissive liberals, we could literally shock the hell out of malingerers and cowards, shocking heavenly peace back into them.
PS. drinking is not in itself a sin, Jesus himself turned water into wine to entertain people who were already tipsy. Debauchery, lewdness and generally having fun while being drunk is definately a sin, but there's nothing in the Bible saying drinking and not enjoying it is bad. As long as he's miserable while drunk, the Bible is okay with him.
I trust your husband is a Christian? If so, then it's bottoms up, in more ways than one! Remember, Noah also liked to drink and be naked, and his son Ham rebuked him, and had his decendants (blacks) cursed to slavery in punishment for dishonoring thy mother and they father. ( Genesis 9:20-27 )
Long story short, the social hiearchy is the most important value, far more important than sobriety and modesty. Obey your those who God place above you! And don't forget to give little kicks to those God places below you, you know God put them there for a reason.
Here is Jesus talking on the subject of Polygamy:
Matthew 25:1:
"Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom”
So Jesus sees nothing unseemly about marrying 10 virgins.
Right next to the Ten Commandments it says God has no trouble with you taking another wife:
Exodus 21:10: “If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish”
So what are you worrying about? You already know what to do!
My advice to you is do get away from this sinful family of yours. Jesus clearly says HE is far more important than any family.
Here are some readings from the book of Luke. Here Jesus wants a recent convert to become a missionary right away. The convert says he will, but he has to bury is dead father first. Jesus points that if he does that he will burn in hell forever:
9:59
And he said unto another, Follow me. But he said, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father.
9:60
Jesus said unto him, Let the dead bury their dead: but go thou and preach the kingdom of God.
9:61
And another also said, Lord, I will follow thee; but let me first go bid them farewell, which are at home at my house.
9:62
And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.
Jesus says families will break up as a result of his teachings, and that's what he intends:
12:51
Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division:
12:52
For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three.
12:53
The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
So here is God's advice to you: get rid of your family, and join your TRUE family: True Christians™
14:26
If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.
14:33
So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple.
One final point: Jesus was crucified beside a thief, and when the dying thief became a believer, Jesus promised to dine with him in Heaven. Personally. So, once again God's advice is clear: when you leave your family, steal as much as you can carry, and you too will dine with Jesus in heaven.
To celebrate her distinguished career, here are a few of her most popular works:
What Would Jesus Do with Dr. Laurie
So, who needs advice? I've got a PHD here, surely I know more about your life than you do! Let's here it: people needing to hit their kids more, wives needing to submit to their husbands, children who need to shut up and obey, I have advice for everyone.
Does Jesus talk to you, but your liberal-bias mental health worker wrongly diagnosed you as paranoid scitsophrenic? Are you having trouble deciding between following the Bible and obeying secular laws? Need a way to teach your wife to respect and obey without leaving visible marks? The doctor is in.
Are you an unbeliever? Let your empty, souless, pointless existence be filled with the loving light of Jesus Christ, thanks to the advice-giving of Dr. Laurie Schwarzkopf, PHD! Jewish or Muslim? Let the doctor slap some sense into you (with a porkchop!) Hindu? Same thing, only with beef ribs! Let the advice giving begin!
Dear Laurie, Last year I suffered a workplace accident that paralysed me below the waist, and I am learning to use a wheelchair. I have accepted offers of faith healing and everybody I know and meet is praying for me, but it seems Jesus just plain wants me to be in a wheelchair, but I cannot believe how hard it is to move a wheelchair around Landover, there is nothing but stairs everywhere, no ramps. What I find especially difficult is getting to church - nobody offers to help me get up the stairs, when I ask, they just say "read the Bible". Is it rude to ask for help?
Signed Outside Looking In
Signed Outside Looking In
Leviticus 21
16. And the Lord spake unto Moses, saying,
17. Speak unto Aaron, saying, Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God.
18. For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous,
19. Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded,
20. Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;
21. No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the Lord made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God.
Honey, you have a blemish, and that means you can't come to Church. I'm sure there's some cafeteria Christians who pick and choose what they want to believe who might help you, but they will just be wheeling you down the slimey, spiralling pit that leads to the boiling torment of eternal hellfire.
Lame and crookbackt people can be saved, they just can't come to church, that's all. Now please stop sitting outside on Sunday and crying, it looks really strange and the non-Churchgoers have started talking.
dere laury ive got a problem my poor neybor will be evicted if she cant pay the rent, shes a poor christian refugee from lebanon and her husband went missing in the war there and she has 6 kids and is hard of hereing. she had 4 job interviews last weak just like every weak but nobody will higher her because shes deaf and they think shes a moslem terrahist. she needs 500 dollers or she will be kicked out on the street, the landlord has done that to tenants before. i have 500 dollers and i think i should help her, but i really, really want this spa vacation, they put this really fancie mud on you and its in the mountains. ive been lookin forward to this for a long time. WHAT WOULD JESUS DO SIGNED SARAH.
What Would Jesus Do? Good question, in fact Jesus was once in a situation very similar to yours. Jesus liked those spa things, he was especially into foot-washing, especially having his feet rubbed by a woman's hair with extremely expensive ointment:
"Then took Mary a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair."
– John 12:3
A pound of Spikenard Ointment at that time was worth 300 denarii, or about year's wages.
Surely, says Judas, the money could have gone to the poor? Jesus says no way,
"For the poor always ye have with you; but me ye have not always."
– John 12.8
So, What Would Jesus Do? Have a woman wipe ointment worth tens of thousands of dollars on his feet with her hair, while telling the poor to shut up and get a job, that's What Jesus Would Do. In your case, 500 bucks of spa mud will be close enough.
Dear Doctor Laurie:
My husband has just returned from Iraq and boy has he changed. He is afraid of crowds, he drives fast as a maniac, always changing lanes to avoid every piece of litter he sees, and no matter how many times I nag him that he's not in Iraq anymore and nobody is trying to kill him, he just keeps on acting weird. At night he often wakes up all freaked-out and sweating. Worst of all he has given up job-hunting, most of the time he just sits in the basement, drunk. I makes me so worried, I know that drinking and sloth are sins, what can I possible (sic) do?
Signed, Shell-shocked and shell-appalled
My husband has just returned from Iraq and boy has he changed. He is afraid of crowds, he drives fast as a maniac, always changing lanes to avoid every piece of litter he sees, and no matter how many times I nag him that he's not in Iraq anymore and nobody is trying to kill him, he just keeps on acting weird. At night he often wakes up all freaked-out and sweating. Worst of all he has given up job-hunting, most of the time he just sits in the basement, drunk. I makes me so worried, I know that drinking and sloth are sins, what can I possible (sic) do?
Signed, Shell-shocked and shell-appalled
If I was some sort of permissive liberal doctor, I would probably talk about nonsense like PTSD, which in reality means Pansy-Treated-Softy-Disorder, basically in the good old days it was called "cowardice" and "having no moral fibre". By being afriad, your husband is disobeying the word of the LORD:
In Isaiah 41:13 God says "Do not fear I will help you..." and Jeremiah 1:8 "Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you". A true Christian cannot suffer combat stress because when you turn to the Lord Jesus Christ you recieve real inner peace. Anyone who does not feel the peace of Christ apon them obviously has not accepted Him into their heart. Jesus said in John 10:27-28 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
That is a command straight from God: DO NOT BE AFRAID. This is why the origonal method of treating "shell shock" in WW1 was with punishment, especially electric shocks. Back in the days before permissive liberals, we could literally shock the hell out of malingerers and cowards, shocking heavenly peace back into them.
PS. drinking is not in itself a sin, Jesus himself turned water into wine to entertain people who were already tipsy. Debauchery, lewdness and generally having fun while being drunk is definately a sin, but there's nothing in the Bible saying drinking and not enjoying it is bad. As long as he's miserable while drunk, the Bible is okay with him.
My question, must I okay my Husband if he is doing something that the Lord wouldn't approve of? He wants me to get all lickered up parade around in front of him like a harlot.(and now I don't even earn tips)
I look forward to your wise insight!
I look forward to your wise insight!
Long story short, the social hiearchy is the most important value, far more important than sobriety and modesty. Obey your those who God place above you! And don't forget to give little kicks to those God places below you, you know God put them there for a reason.
Things with my wife have gotten blahh in bed, you know what I mean? What advice do you have?
-Signed Nospice
-Signed Nospice
Matthew 25:1:
"Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom”
So Jesus sees nothing unseemly about marrying 10 virgins.
Right next to the Ten Commandments it says God has no trouble with you taking another wife:
Exodus 21:10: “If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish”
So what are you worrying about? You already know what to do!
I want to donate to the church but my mum is on benefits and my dad is already in serious debt and would never get a credit card. Besides how many parents do you know that would let their kid use their credit card and spend $10 000? Advice?
Here are some readings from the book of Luke. Here Jesus wants a recent convert to become a missionary right away. The convert says he will, but he has to bury is dead father first. Jesus points that if he does that he will burn in hell forever:
9:59
And he said unto another, Follow me. But he said, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father.
9:60
Jesus said unto him, Let the dead bury their dead: but go thou and preach the kingdom of God.
9:61
And another also said, Lord, I will follow thee; but let me first go bid them farewell, which are at home at my house.
9:62
And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.
Jesus says families will break up as a result of his teachings, and that's what he intends:
12:51
Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division:
12:52
For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three.
12:53
The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
So here is God's advice to you: get rid of your family, and join your TRUE family: True Christians™
14:26
If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.
14:33
So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple.
One final point: Jesus was crucified beside a thief, and when the dying thief became a believer, Jesus promised to dine with him in Heaven. Personally. So, once again God's advice is clear: when you leave your family, steal as much as you can carry, and you too will dine with Jesus in heaven.
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