Stern Master Seeks Humble Church Mouse

[Witch Hammer]

My...former...wife continually defied my authority in the worst possible ways, so I sent her away to live with Jesus (don't ask for details, they won't be forthcoming). If her name isn't written in the Book of Life, then oh well, I guess Satan can have his fun with her in hell.

Looking for humble, submissive type with child bearing hips and young enough to bear me many fine Christian sons for years to come. Must be an excellent cook, dish washer, toilet cleaner and be adept at various other menial house chores. Must be willing to submit to righteous seeding with little or no notice. Also, she must have no operating knowledge of any worldly devices which might allow her to escape...such as telephones , automobiles and door locks. She must also be so in tune with my needs that she'll fetch me a beer without me even having to ask, thereby sparing herself a righteous thrashing. Must be of pure descent, and easy on the eyes. Knowledge of cross-stitching a must.

[SalvationSeeker]

Would you be willing to buy her (although with you being a fellow True Christian™, I would be willing to give you one at no charge) and if indeed you are willing to do so, is it a problem if she can't speak or write American?

I'm sure she can be taught simple commands, and it would lessen the chance of her escaping your loving care, would it not?

[MoonFlower]

I'd love to apply for the position, but I doubt I'd be picked cuz I'm Wiccan. Besides, I was married once and although the "seeding" and everything else was great...I couldn't stand stand being alone day after day while he was out on missions for God. I got so lonely I hired V and Lar baby as my gardeners. They were great company while the husband was out Saving® Souls.

What about hiring me for maintaing the house Mr. Hammer. I'm a great cook and love cleaning (especially bathrooms for some reason). I have nothing better to do with my day, so I'll be happy to lend a helping hand. Moon's pretty submissive when dealing with True Christian® men (Pa'daddy beat that into me), so I'm sure you'll be happy with my work.

Moon

[Remy Lebeau]

I'd love to apply for the position, but I doubt I'd be picked cuz I'm Wiccan. Besides, I was married once and although the "seeding" and everything else was great...I couldn't stand stand being alone day after day while he was out on missions for God. I got so lonely I hired V and Lar baby as my gardeners. They were great company while the husband was out Saving® Souls.

What about hiring me for maintaing the house Mr. Hammer. I'm a great cook and love cleaning (especially bathrooms for some reason). I have nothing better to do with my day, so I'll be happy to lend a helping hand. Moon's pretty submissive when dealing with True Christian® men (Pa'daddy beat that into me), so I'm sure you'll be happy with my work.

Moon

I don't think Brother Witch Hammer is looking to invest in used goods. Least of which, goods which have been partially spoiled by a he-goat during some pagan solstice. Aren't you that little hussy that Pastor Al adopted in hopes of converting you to Christ? You sure are lucky. Not many 19 year olds get adopted. Aren't you always running around the inside of the gate perimeter with those tight spandex short shorts and tank tops? Or do I have you confused?

[MoonFlower]

Yea, you have me somewhat confused. I do NOT wear spandex or tank tops, I wear sun dresses. I usually frolick...not run. And I'm 25, not 19. But yes, Al did adopt me and I AM very lucky.

And at no time did I offer Mr. Hammer any of my so-called "used goods". I'm merely offering to help him around the house. God only knows what my Pa'daddy would do to me if I have intercouse while unwed...again.

Moon

[SalvationSeeker]

Yea, you have me somewhat confused. I do NOT wear spandex or tank tops, I wear sun dresses. I usually frolick...not run. And I'm 25, not 19. But yes, Al did adopt me and I AM very lucky.

And at no time did I offer Mr. Hammer any of my so-called "used goods". I'm merely offering to help him around the house. God only knows what my Pa'daddy would do to me if I have intercouse while unwed...again.

Moon

I doubt he would like to hire you as an over-paid servant when he can get one almost free. Servants don't get paid in wages, they get a room in the basement and a little food so they survive, that's it.

Stop mocking his Godly efforts to find a wife, Lord knows it's very hard to find a True Christian™ wife in this secular world. I am myself, also searching for one, so I should know.

[MoonFlower]

Ok fine. I'm sure Lar baby will hire me to do some house work. I'd go work for V, but he owns a whip and likes to use it.

Moon

[Bobby-Joe]

Ok fine. I'm sure Lar baby will hire me to do some house work. I'd go work for V, but he owns a whip and likes to use it.

Moon

It would certainly make my life easier than you scaring the willies out of the good folks at Apostle's Grove when you ask them for stuff for that woodland retreat of your's. Mrs. Maple called security last night fifty times claiming the "Church of Satan is outside for her virtue" just because you knocked on her door last evening. I am going to have to send poor Security Officer Otis to the pastors for counseling since he is so shook up from listing to Maple go on for two about two hours about the “gang molestering” she was about to get from demons in the shape of Negros . That and that standard nightly calls from old Mrs. Porter about demons dancing in her backyard were you buried some dead possum lead to quite a night.

(Sigh) at lest it wasn’t like that night were Samuel Morrison shot up his Mexican servants because he though Moonflower asking his cook for a stick of butter was the signal for servants to rise up and kill Morrison’s family in their sleep.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

It would certainly make my life easier than you scaring the willies out of the good folks at Apostle's Grove when you ask them for stuff for that woodland retreat of your's. Mrs. Maple called security last night fifty times claiming the "Church of Satan is outside for her virtue" just because you knocked on her door last evening. I am going to have to send poor Security Officer Otis to the pastors for counseling since he is so shook up from listing to Maple go on for two about two hours about the “gang molestering” she was about to get from demons in the shape of Negros . That and that standard nightly calls from old Mrs. Porter about demons dancing in her backyard were you buried some dead possum lead to quite a night.

(Sigh) at lest it wasn’t like that night were Samuel Morrison shot up his Mexican servants because he though Moonflower asking his cook for a stick of butter was the signal for servants to rise up and kill Morrison’s family in their sleep.

I dare you to make less sense, BJ. old
I'm pretty sure it's just because of the spelling and grammatical errors in this post but the end result....argh!

[Bobby-Joe]

I dare you to make less sense, BJ. old
I'm pretty sure it's just because of the spelling and grammatical errors in this post but the end result....argh!

I dare you to do better with two hours of sleep after spending the night dealing with a bunch of terrified old ladies.

Oh how it went

Caller at 9:45pm "Come quick, Satan is about to tie me up and make me watch while he rapes my daughters"

It was Moonflower out collecting mushrooms.

Caller at 10:30pm "Send help, there is a she demon with an enormous artificial tallywacker who is going to make a thespian!"

It was Moonflower with her broom

Caller at 11:10 “Help me, for the love of Christ! A witch is sending a bear to break into my house to suck my soul out of my body!”

It was Moonflower petting a raccoon. We shot the raccoon.

And so on,

It went like that all the whole night.

[Remy Lebeau]

Yea, you have me somewhat confused. I do NOT wear spandex or tank tops, I wear sun dresses. I usually frolick...not run. And I'm 25, not 19. But yes, Al did adopt me and I AM very lucky.

And at no time did I offer Mr. Hammer any of my so-called "used goods". I'm merely offering to help him around the house. God only knows what my Pa'daddy would do to me if I have intercouse while unwed...again.

Moon

Oh... Oh oh ohhhhhhh!!! You didn't tell Pastor Al who the guy was did you? You just keep that to yourself, OK.

[MoonFlower]

It would certainly make my life easier than you scaring the willies out of the good folks at Apostle's Grove when you ask them for stuff for that woodland retreat of your's. Mrs. Maple called security last night fifty times claiming the "Church of Satan is outside for her virtue" just because you knocked on her door last evening. I am going to have to send poor Security Officer Otis to the pastors for counseling since he is so shook up from listing to Maple go on for two about two hours about the “gang molestering” she was about to get from demons in the shape of Negros . That and that standard nightly calls from old Mrs. Porter about demons dancing in her backyard were you buried some dead possum lead to quite a night.

(Sigh) at lest it wasn’t like that night were Samuel Morrison shot up his Mexican servants because he though Moonflower asking his cook for a stick of butter was the signal for servants to rise up and kill Morrison’s family in their sleep.

Oh yes I remember! I dunno why everyone is so scared of me. You know I'm harmless BJ and no matter how many times any of you tell these people, they always freak out when they see me. You never get scared when I go over to your house and ask for some sugar. Why is it that no one could just accept that I mean no one any harm? I don't even dress like a goth! Besides, if I ever did do anything wrong, I'd have my Pa'Daddy to worry about and you know he scares me.

Would you consider hiring me to do household chores? I know you loved the apple pie I made for you the other day, so you know I can cook. So what do you say? Would you hire me, BJ??

Moon

PS - Remy, of course I told Pa'Daddy! He married us! It was such a beautiful wedding...too bad it didn't last. Maybe next time...

[Rev. Smitty McGee]

I highly reccommend this Good Christian's approach. Nothing but sensible and perfectly in line with God's Plan™.

[Bobby-Joe]

Would you consider hiring me to do household chores? I know you loved the apple pie I made for you the other day, so you know I can cook. So what do you say? Would you hire me, BJ??

I guess so Moonflower, my previous cook has been burning the toast more and more so I guess it time to let her go. But go easy on the pie. MKL keep on complaining to us about you pestering him to always eat your pie and my doctor wants me to lose weight.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

I highly reccommend this Good Christian's approach. Nothing but sensible and perfectly in line with God's Plan™.

I never did quite understand what all the commotion was about. His wife=his property.