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Though it may be a very embarrassing and personal issue, I feel that it is important that I write to you all today about a problem all men must face: The nighttime emission of unborn Christian babies from our privates.
For those of you whose fathers never explained it to you, GOD intelligently designed our bodies to expel our seed when we develop a surplus of it, so our dirty parts will not explode like overfilled water balloons. PRAISE HIS WISDOM!
However, we learn from the Bible that this seed is extremely valuable, and quite possibly a non-renewable source of precious life!
GENESIS 38:9-10
And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.
GOD was so displeased with Onan's frivolous use of this holy nectar that He killed him! Clearly, GOD does not approve of wasting seed, no matter what the circumstances are.
So while GOD did create our bodies to automatically dispose of old seed, He does not expect us to let it go to waste!
Now as a True Christian there are only two ways your seed can leave your body: a) the shameful act of sex with your wife, and b) the shameful act of emitting it at night.
If your seed is spewed into your wife, a beautiful baby is the result! If it is spewed hap hazardously into your modest pajamas, GOD killing you in your sleep may be the result! After all, you are casting aside MILLIONS of tiny souls!
At first this may sound extremely controversial, but the LORD has shown me this plan to bring an end to this dire holocaust! Please hear us out.
Here's what you will need:
1. A condom
2. A glass jar with a removable lid
3. A spacious freezer
Every night before going to bed, slip one condom onto your tallywacker. (There are instructions inside each box for how to do this.)
Then, place a glass jar on your nightstand.
When you have your next perverted nighttime emission, wake up as soon as possible and carefully remove the condom containing your sacred seed. Remove the lid from the glass jar, and drain the contents of the condom into the jar. Make sure it all comes out! No unborn child left behind!
Once you have collected all of the goo of life in the jar, quickly seal the lid back on it and run to the kitchen and stick the jar in the freezer. This will put your unborn children into a state of suspended animation until the next evening when you will take the jar out of the freezer, defrost the sacred contents in the microwave (do not burn it, or GOD will burn YOU), and carefully use a syringe to inject it into your wife's dirty hole to create a Christian child!
The syringe should be burned, and the jar can be washed and used for homemade jams and preservatives until it is needed again.
Following this plan will please GOD and show that you are not ungrateful for the bounty of seed that he has supplied you with by allowing His design to waste it!
Those of you who have sons that are men in the eyes of GOD will want to share this plan with them as well. Depending on the number of men in your household and how fertile GOD has made them, you may need to buy a special freezer just for the purpose of storing babies. Make sure that each one of you writes his name on the jar containing his own seed so that you do not accidentally impregnate your wife with your son's child! (Only GOD can decide when incest is okay, such as with Adam and Eve's children.)
Your sons will simply have to keep their offspring on ice until GOD provides them a wife to receive it on their wedding night, and every night after that until all the jars are used up.
Finally, the cost of keeping your household supplied with condoms may become rather extravagant, but the LORD will provide, amen?
May GOD bless you and all of your future children!
AMEN!
For those of you whose fathers never explained it to you, GOD intelligently designed our bodies to expel our seed when we develop a surplus of it, so our dirty parts will not explode like overfilled water balloons. PRAISE HIS WISDOM!
However, we learn from the Bible that this seed is extremely valuable, and quite possibly a non-renewable source of precious life!
GENESIS 38:9-10
And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.
GOD was so displeased with Onan's frivolous use of this holy nectar that He killed him! Clearly, GOD does not approve of wasting seed, no matter what the circumstances are.
So while GOD did create our bodies to automatically dispose of old seed, He does not expect us to let it go to waste!
Now as a True Christian there are only two ways your seed can leave your body: a) the shameful act of sex with your wife, and b) the shameful act of emitting it at night.
If your seed is spewed into your wife, a beautiful baby is the result! If it is spewed hap hazardously into your modest pajamas, GOD killing you in your sleep may be the result! After all, you are casting aside MILLIONS of tiny souls!
At first this may sound extremely controversial, but the LORD has shown me this plan to bring an end to this dire holocaust! Please hear us out.
Here's what you will need:
1. A condom
2. A glass jar with a removable lid
3. A spacious freezer
Every night before going to bed, slip one condom onto your tallywacker. (There are instructions inside each box for how to do this.)
Then, place a glass jar on your nightstand.
When you have your next perverted nighttime emission, wake up as soon as possible and carefully remove the condom containing your sacred seed. Remove the lid from the glass jar, and drain the contents of the condom into the jar. Make sure it all comes out! No unborn child left behind!
Once you have collected all of the goo of life in the jar, quickly seal the lid back on it and run to the kitchen and stick the jar in the freezer. This will put your unborn children into a state of suspended animation until the next evening when you will take the jar out of the freezer, defrost the sacred contents in the microwave (do not burn it, or GOD will burn YOU), and carefully use a syringe to inject it into your wife's dirty hole to create a Christian child!
The syringe should be burned, and the jar can be washed and used for homemade jams and preservatives until it is needed again.
Following this plan will please GOD and show that you are not ungrateful for the bounty of seed that he has supplied you with by allowing His design to waste it!
Those of you who have sons that are men in the eyes of GOD will want to share this plan with them as well. Depending on the number of men in your household and how fertile GOD has made them, you may need to buy a special freezer just for the purpose of storing babies. Make sure that each one of you writes his name on the jar containing his own seed so that you do not accidentally impregnate your wife with your son's child! (Only GOD can decide when incest is okay, such as with Adam and Eve's children.)
Your sons will simply have to keep their offspring on ice until GOD provides them a wife to receive it on their wedding night, and every night after that until all the jars are used up.
Finally, the cost of keeping your household supplied with condoms may become rather extravagant, but the LORD will provide, amen?
May GOD bless you and all of your future children!
AMEN!
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