X
Collapse
 
  • Page of 1
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts
Previous template Next
  • Pastor Ezekiel
    Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
     
    • Sep 2006
    • 78556
    #1

    Classes For The Ladies


    Classes for Women at
    THE FREEHOLD
    ADULT LEARNING CENTER

    REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
    by Tuesday, June 30, 2009

    NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
    OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


    Class 1
    Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
    Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
    Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.
    .
    Class 2
    Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
    Round Table Discussion.
    Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

    Class 3
    Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
    Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 4
    Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
    Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

    Class 5
    Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
    Examples on Video.
    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
    at 7:00 PM

    Class 6
    How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
    Help Line Support and Support Groups.
    Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

    Class 7
    How a Bath Can Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
    Open Forum.
    Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

    Class 8
    Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
    Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 9
    I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
    Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

    Class 10
    How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
    Driving Simulations.
    4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

    Class 11
    Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through theWindshield.
    Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

    Class 12
    How to Shop by Yourself.
    Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

    Class 13
    How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
    Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
    Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 14
    The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
    Live Demonstration.
    Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

    Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
    Who Will Jesus Damn?

    Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

    Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

    Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
    Tags: None
    • Ezekiel Bathfire
      Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance
      Christ's Rottweiler
       
      • Jan 2008
      • 22922
      #2
      Re: Classes For The Ladies

      There's been additions due to popular demand (by men):

      1. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
      2. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
      3. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
      4. Class IV: Summarizing Conversations. How to relate an entire conversation you just had with your sister, mother, or best friend in 25 words or less. 10 week intensive training course, meeting 3 nights a week. Advanced students only.
      sigpic


      “We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

      Author of such illuminating essays as,
      Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.

        Comment

        • lord warrior
          Confirmed Enemy of God
          • Sep 2007
          • 406
          #3
          Re: Classes For The Ladies

          Fess up ladies. How many of you WOULD fail this course?

            Comment

            • Lumpy Custard
              Unsaved trash
              Under Investigation
              • Jun 2009
              • 3
              #4
              Re: Classes For The Ladies

              I'm an aerospace engineer who, quite frankly doesn't use 'curling irons' and enjoys cooking bacon and eggs and sausages and things of the sort. I can adjust pretty much every gauge on an aircraft so a thermostat is a peice of cake. I'm fully capeable of shopping for the whole familys weekly supplies in around an hour and I do 12 hour shifts at work too. (there is no Wal-Mart in my area so i cannot answer that one)
              A purse is to be used for cards and cash, suitcases are what those silly little boys throw absent-mindedly into the cargo hold every day with blaitant disregard for toher peoples belongings while trying as best they can to interfere by any means possible with stopping us from doing our jobs. I don't bother talking when the TV is on as i treat people how i would like to be treated and if someone talks wile I'm trying to watch something it greatly annoys me.

              I think i might pass half of them!

                Comment

                • Bob the Reviver
                  Unsaved trash
                   
                  • Jun 2009
                  • 32
                  #5
                  Re: Classes For The Ladies

                  Originally posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
                  1. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter and hashbrowns!
                  2. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
                  3. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
                  4. Class IV: Summarizing Conversations. How to relate an entire conversation you just had with your sister, mother, or best friend in 25 words or less. 10 week intensive training course, meeting 3 nights a week. Advanced students only.
                  You forgot hashrowns

                  Also classes I thin that should be included:
                  How to start and tend a fire
                  How to turn the oven OFF
                  How to microwave properly
                  How to work the remote (quite frankly I prefer that they never touch the remote, for fear of breaking it and the TV)
                  How to replace a lightbulb
                  We are the ones who will be saved. We that are of the one true faith that will give us access to our Great Lord's Kingdom!

                    Comment

                    Previous template Next
                    Working...