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  • Pastor Ezekiel
    Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
     
    • Sep 2006
    • 78556

    #1

    Bed-Mounted Shotguns Are Out!

    Praise Jesus, I've been waiting for this!

    The worst part about shooting home invaders is having to get out of bed to grab the shotgun. Well, that's no longer a problem with the The Back-Up Gun Rack, which provides a convenient and easy-to-install bed-mounted solution! Now you can fill home-invading witches with two barrels of buckshot without even having to sit up!

    A bed-mounted shotgun! Why didn't I think of this?


    Seriously Brothers, you have to see the commercial.

    The only possible way to improve this product would be to make it somehow hold beer.

    I know what I'm going to be ordering asking sister Thumper to surprise me with this Christmas!
    Who Will Jesus Damn?

    Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

    Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

    Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
  • eliot mayfield
    God Squad
    True Christian™
    • Sep 2006
    • 9324

    #2
    Re: Bed-Mounted Shotguns Are Out!

    That is so cool! I wish I had one. It could be improved with a bullet proof glass footboard so the intruder couldn't shoot you while you're blasting them.
    Matthew:
    5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
    5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
    10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
    10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


    sigpic

    Comment

    • Nobar King
      Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58
      Christ's Guardian
      True Christian™
      • Sep 2007
      • 23748

      #3
      Re: Bed-Mounted Shotguns Are Out!

      Yeah, but then you get GSR on your sheets... yuk.
      May you be a blessing to every life you touch.

      Comment

      • Brother Temperance
        Senior Usher
        True Christian™ missionary to the Unsaved Kingdom
        A very nice young man
        True Christian™
        • Sep 2006
        • 15621

        #4
        Re: Bed-Mounted Shotguns Are Out!

        Originally posted by Nobar King View Post
        Yeah, but then you get GSR on your sheets... yuk.
        Gay Sex Residue? Yuk indeed.
        O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.



        God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.

        Comment

        • Marshall
          Righteous and Patriotic
          Highest body count at the VFW
          True Christian™
          • Oct 2006
          • 3330

          #5
          Re: Bed-Mounted Shotguns Are Out!

          I already have something similar to that.
          I like this idea but I bet I could make one out in the barn for free.
          God bless America, the Second Amendment and the Constitution. God bless the United States Marine Corps and all who fight for Jesus in third world cess pools. God bless the GOP and all they stand for, Truth, Honesty and the American people. God bless Landover Baptist Church and all True Christians™ the world over. Curses to our Muslim President, his failure is our Salvation.

          Comment

          • Brother Guy Bayard
            Anvil of the Antipodes
            True Christian™
            • Jul 2007
            • 1271

            #6
            Re: Bed-Mounted Shotguns Are Out!

            Which reminds me. How are the golf-cart mounted pepper spray-cannons coming along for the Landover Event Management detachment?
            The initial demonstrations were exremely impressive, my favourite being the treed wiccans being sprayed off their branches 50 feet above the ground! When do we get to see them, Bobby Joe?
            The devil, whose business is to pervert the truth, mimics the exact circumstance of the Divine Sacraments. He baptises his believers and promises forgiveness of sins...he celebrates the oblation of bread, and brings in the symbol of the resurrection. Let us therefore acknowledge the craftiness of the devil, who copied certain things of those that be divine."
            Tertullian (155-222 AD) from The Prescription Against Heretics' Ch XL

            Comment

            • Brother Temperance
              Senior Usher
              True Christian™ missionary to the Unsaved Kingdom
              A very nice young man
              True Christian™
              • Sep 2006
              • 15621

              #7
              Re: Bed-Mounted Shotguns Are Out!

              I'm glad it was the Godly Pastor Ezekiel who started this thread, and not some Jew York fashion queer. For a moment when I saw the title, I thought some effeminate fashionista was suggesting that Bed-Mounted Shotguns were out, and SUV-Mounted Rocket Launchers were in, or some such feminine silliness.
              O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.



              God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.

              Comment

              • lord warrior
                Confirmed Enemy of God
                • Sep 2007
                • 406

                #8
                Re: Bed-Mounted Shotguns Are Out!

                Seriously Brothers, you have to see the commercial.

                The only possible way to improve this product would be to make it somehow hold beer.

                I know what I'm going to be ordering asking sister Thumper to surprise me with this Christmas!

                Make it hold BEER dear brother

                Originally posted by Nobar King
                Yeah, but then you get GSR on your sheets... yuk.

                Gay Sex Residue? Yuk indeed.
                Its GUN SHOT RESIDUE.
                Last edited by Jeb Stuart Thurmond; 11-15-2007, 09:49 AM.

                Comment

                • Marshall
                  Righteous and Patriotic
                  Highest body count at the VFW
                  True Christian™
                  • Oct 2006
                  • 3330

                  #9
                  Re: Bed-Mounted Shotguns Are Out!

                  Where I come from gun shot residue is a blood puddle on the carpet.
                  God bless America, the Second Amendment and the Constitution. God bless the United States Marine Corps and all who fight for Jesus in third world cess pools. God bless the GOP and all they stand for, Truth, Honesty and the American people. God bless Landover Baptist Church and all True Christians™ the world over. Curses to our Muslim President, his failure is our Salvation.

                  Comment

                  • Trent Harvey, Jr.
                    Ex-hero, almost honorably discharged
                    True Christian™
                    • Jul 2007
                    • 722

                    #10
                    Re: Bed-Mounted Shotguns Are Out!

                    Originally posted by Brother Temperance View Post
                    SUV-Mounted Rocket Launchers...
                    Now that's what I'd like to see. Road ragers will have to calm down real quick once some real firepower hits the streets. Here in Iraq everybody is well-armed and it's far safer than any gun-control statist hellhole.

                    The second amendment clearly states "The right to bear ARMS". It doesn't say "The right to bear some kinds of arms, but not others". No, just ARMS, period.

                    So since all arms control is unconstitutional, this Jeep-mounted self-defense system is perfectly legal (once we get activist judges out of the Supreme Court):



                    It's important to not just take out the criminal, but also the neighborhood that harbors criminals.

                    BTW History channel has a liberal bias, in reality there's no such thing as "radiation".
                    Founder and CEO of Trickle-Down Charities™, LLC.

                    Current Project: Bedmates For Billionaires: Biblical eldercare straight from King David
                    Goal:
                    $500,000 Currently raised: $0.11 DONATE NOW! Yes, we accept Biblecoins!

                    True Christians™ believe they they exist to serve the Bible-revealed will of God.
                    False Christians believe the Bible exists to serve their will. GOD IS NOT YOUR YES-MAN!

                    Comment

                    • Marshall
                      Righteous and Patriotic
                      Highest body count at the VFW
                      True Christian™
                      • Oct 2006
                      • 3330

                      #11
                      Re: Bed-Mounted Shotguns Are Out!

                      I like the M65.
                      Ideally it would be fired downward into clusters of hovels occupied by terrorists and their families. Perhaps from an unmanned drone, like the Nazi Buzzbomb only reusable.
                      I really think that needs to be reevaluated by the military for use in Gods toilet.
                      God bless America, the Second Amendment and the Constitution. God bless the United States Marine Corps and all who fight for Jesus in third world cess pools. God bless the GOP and all they stand for, Truth, Honesty and the American people. God bless Landover Baptist Church and all True Christians™ the world over. Curses to our Muslim President, his failure is our Salvation.

                      Comment

                      • Pastor Al E Pistle
                        Christ's Cōnsiliārius
                         
                        • Sep 2006
                        • 9323

                        #12
                        Re: Bed-Mounted Shotguns Are Out!

                        Trying to use a 12 ga from bed doesn't work. I have a mini14 with an EOTech by the bed. If I don't have time, my 10mm Glock will have to do. Nothing wrong with a 1911, either.
                        Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
                        "God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
                        Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


                        Comment

                        • matt_1337
                          Foul Sinner on Moderation
                          • Nov 2007
                          • 4

                          #13
                          Re: Bed-Mounted Shotguns Are Out!

                          Dude, I want that. Thats awesome.


                          All it needs is room for a .44 mag, M4 w/ a M203 and some space for a Glock 18.

                          Comment

                          • Marshall
                            Righteous and Patriotic
                            Highest body count at the VFW
                            True Christian™
                            • Oct 2006
                            • 3330

                            #14
                            Re: Bed-Mounted Shotguns Are Out!

                            I have several M203 combos and they are entirely too heavy for home defense.
                            God bless America, the Second Amendment and the Constitution. God bless the United States Marine Corps and all who fight for Jesus in third world cess pools. God bless the GOP and all they stand for, Truth, Honesty and the American people. God bless Landover Baptist Church and all True Christians™ the world over. Curses to our Muslim President, his failure is our Salvation.

                            Comment

                            • Jeb Stuart Thurmond
                              Didn't write the Bible, just obeys it
                               
                              • Jun 2007
                              • 6578

                              #15
                              Re: Bed-Mounted Shotguns Are Out!

                              Well, our petitioning of Ford and GM for SUV-mounted firepower hasn't seemed to have gotten results, but a little bird has told me that vehicle-mounted torture devices (aka "nonlethal weapons") are going to get a green light soon. I'm gonna be driving GITMO-ON-WHEELS, baby!

                              I can't wait until the next loser to cut me off in traffic finds himself on the wrong end of my microwave pain-ray. Or, bloodily burst his eardrums with a " long range acoustic device", as seen in the second minute of this video of Georgia police providing "pain compliance" for a bunch of protesting hippies:



                              By the way, if you're wondering why those helmets look so familiar, yes they are the same make and model as the new ones the Landover Baptist Security Detail bought with our latest faith-based social services grant.
                              Disagree? By failing to register and debate me, you prove that liberals are factless frauds who only persuade through intimidation. To prove otherwise, debate me!
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