Best way to cure a homer?

[OnYourKnees]

Christian Scientists have tried many methods to cure homers of their affliction. Which do you hear has the most success?

If the option you've heard most about isn't on the poll, please describe it so I may add it!

Also, please share any stories you may have describing your experiences in one of the programs mentioned (or another program), whether as the one to be saved or one helping another achieve salvation!

(Note: This is a secret poll, so you may share your true feelings!)

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Best way to cure a homer?

I'm standing by with my 50 gallon bucket of stones.

GLORY!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and you may want to add "Tie Them up to a Fence Post and Set Them Aflame"

I think that is what Brother Worthington perfers to do.

With Love and Comapssion, Sister Thumper

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Best way to cure a homer?

I'm standing by with my 50 gallon bucket of stones.

GLORY!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and you may want to add "Tie Them up to a Fence Post and Set Them Aflame"

I think that is what Brother Worthington perfers to do.

With Love and Compassion, Sister Thumper

Added to the Just Stone Them option.

Also added, Ted Haggard's Three-Week Magical Mystery Cure. It's my favorite, and I'd forgotten to put it in!

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Best way to cure a homer?

Speaking of this I have exciting news about our ex-Brother Dave. For those of you remember him Brother Dave spat in the face of our Savior by marrying a transvestite and passing him off as his wife and bring it into Freehold. A crime for which he is confined to Freehold county jail for the remainder of his natural life.

Well the researchers at Landover Christian Collage have been on the case and have rigged ex-Brother Dave up with what they call a "J" chip; any time during the almost nonstop ass rapes ex-Brother Dave is getting from the Black inmates of Freehold County ex-Brother Dave experience any homer pleasure sensors embedded in ex-Brother Dave’s brain detect the homer thoughts. The J chip sends a 10,000 volt shock to ex-Brother Dave’s wedding tackle! Instantly punishing ex-Brother Dave for the sin. PRAISE!

We TRUE Christians can now rejoice that the thought that ex-Brother Dave is being cured with Jesus Tough Love®. While it is sad that ex-Brother Dave has gone beyond hope, he will never be released and will go to hell to burn after he dies at lest ex-Brother Dave will burn as an cured sodomite! GLORY!

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Best way to cure a homer?

We TRUE Christians can now rejoice that the thought that ex-Brother Dave is being cured with Jesus Tough Love®. While it is sad that ex-Brother Dave has gone beyond hope, he will never be released and will go to hell to burn after he dies at lest ex-Brother Dave will burn as an cured sodomite! GLORY!

But if Brother Dave is cured, and repents of his other sins, why would you think he will go to Hell?

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Best way to cure a homer?

But if Brother Dave is cured, and repents of his other sins, why would you think he will go to Hell?

Ex-Brother Dave sinned after he accepted Christ, repented of his depravity and turned his life over to Jesus. That Jesus didn't stop ex-Brother Dave from sinning shows ex-Brother Dave is not one of Jesus' elect. While he will be cured of his homerism it will be threw a work of man, not the Lord, and that just doesn’t cut ice with Jesus.

Though luck for ex-Brother Dave but those are God's rules and anyway it wouldn't be fair to the rest of us if he wasn't damned. Besides you didn't hear Ellymae complaining when she was sent to Hell for being an 11th generation bastardess. She took it like a good Christian should.

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Best way to cure a homer?

Ex-Brother Dave sinned after he accepted Christ, repented of his depravity and turned his life over to Jesus. That Jesus didn't stop ex-Brother Dave from sinning shows ex-Brother Dave is not one of Jesus' elect. While he will be cured of his homerism it will be threw a work of man, not the Lord, and that just doesn’t cut ice with Jesus.

Though luck for ex-Brother Dave but those are God's rules and anyway it wouldn't be fair to the rest of us if he wasn't damned. Besides you didn't hear Ellymae complaining when she was sent to Hell for being an 11th generation bastardess. She took it like a good Christian should.

If one is truly Saved, one can no longer sin, correct?

Now, if one is truly Saved and turns one's back on Jesus, then one is condemned forever, true. However, this is not possible!

Why?

Because if one is truly Saved, one can no longer sin! Turning one's back on Jesus would be sin, therefore . . . ex-Brother Dave was NOT truly Saved in the first place!

That means he can still be Saved! HALLELUJAH! The Lordly Loophole!

Perhaps we should see about transferring ex-Brother Dave to the psychiatric wing, where he can be treated by doctors for his doubtless widely-expanded anus, and also ministered to with prayers, floggings, and be given a nice stone paperweight to serve as a daily reminder of why he must get right with God!

[Rev. Dr. Davidson]

Re: Best way to cure a homer?

Castration isn't an option?

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Best way to cure a homer?

Castration isn't an option?

No.

If we castrate them, then they become like Star Finder, a former True Christian who lost his stones in an unfortunate fireworks incident, and is now cast out from the congregation of the Lord (per Levitical law).

So, while castration might knock the homerism out of them, they'd also be condemned as a result.

[Rev. Dr. Davidson]

Re: Best way to cure a homer?

No.

If we castrate them, then they become like Star Finder, a former True Christian who lost his stones in an unfortunate fireworks incident, and is now cast out from the congregation of the Lord (per Levitical law).

So, while castration might knock the homerism out of them, they'd also be condemned as a result.

I see your point. I do think that we should lojack the lot of em, so we can track them by sattelite. Give them an option. Go do manly deeds in the army, and not with their platoon, and they may one day come back to America. By manly, I mean taking out entire villages of savages while whistling heavenly tunes.

[roserougesang]

Re: Best way to cure a homer?

Homosexuality isn't an 'affliction' of any sort. It's still not confirmed the 'cause' of homosexuality, but it isn't an illness of any kind.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Best way to cure a homer?

Homosexuality isn't an 'affliction' of any sort. It's still not confirmed the 'cause' of homosexuality, but it isn't an illness of any kind.

And cancer is just a fun day in the park!

But maybe there is nothing wrong with sodomy that a good stoning wouldn't cure.

[roserougesang]

Re: Best way to cure a homer?

Sheesh, 'tis like the Middle Ages in here......only without the pretty architecture and medieval clothing.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Best way to cure a homer?

Sheesh, 'tis like the Middle Ages in here......only without the pretty architecture and medieval clothing.

You've been watching too many cartoons about King Arthur, fool. Do you have any idea what people smelled like in your lovely "middle ages"? God hadn't yet given Mankind soap, shampoo, deoderant or even toilet paper.

Its like the way frenchies smell even now.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Best way to cure a homer?

Sheesh, 'tis like the Middle Ages in here

Why, because at one time people actually bothered to follow God's laws? He is the same God as He was back then and the rules haven't changed.