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Using a spirit level to identify homosexuals
A guide for those without the "gaydar"
A guide for those without the "gaydar"
Introduction
We all know why it's crucial to identify butt pirates. I won't go into that here. If you don't already know, maybe you should pick up a Bible or something.
In an ideal world, the undesirable segment of society would be made to wear an identifying marker at all times. This worked well with Jews in Germany in the 1930s up until the point where the Nazis tried to off them all. Now, I'm not advocating that here - and I'm definitely not suggesting that you should break any local laws - but if God were to decide to do a little spring cleaning, we'd be making his job a lot easier with fag armbands.
I decided to take to Paint to demonstrate what the future could look like. I would love to say that my little daughter did the drawing but I don't have any kids because my God-mocking wife is still popping the baby killer pills. But, whatever, that's not even relevant here. I just don't understand what her problem is. Never mind, let's move on.
We all know why it's crucial to identify butt pirates. I won't go into that here. If you don't already know, maybe you should pick up a Bible or something.
In an ideal world, the undesirable segment of society would be made to wear an identifying marker at all times. This worked well with Jews in Germany in the 1930s up until the point where the Nazis tried to off them all. Now, I'm not advocating that here - and I'm definitely not suggesting that you should break any local laws - but if God were to decide to do a little spring cleaning, we'd be making his job a lot easier with fag armbands.
I decided to take to Paint to demonstrate what the future could look like. I would love to say that my little daughter did the drawing but I don't have any kids because my God-mocking wife is still popping the baby killer pills. But, whatever, that's not even relevant here. I just don't understand what her problem is. Never mind, let's move on.
It's a primitive first draft, okay?
Here's what it might look like attached to an actual homosexual's limp wrist:
Here's what it might look like attached to an actual homosexual's limp wrist:
Notice how well it gels with his general attire and appearance. I personally see no reason why fags wouldn't love this fabulous fashion accessory! It's a win-win!
Anyway, it strikes me that I've digressed massively so I will continue.
Look, the persecuted status of Christians these days means we have no hope of seeing fag markers any time soon. We have to make do with what we can get. There any already so many great resources on this very forum for identifying fags from afar and in casual conversation but what we really need is an infallible acid test. You know, the kind of thing that you would use before casting rocks in the direction of an alleged homosexual.
Enter the spirit level!
As you probably already know, a spirit level is put on top of a (supposedly) horizontal surface to determine how straight that surface is. It has many uses around the house including (but not limited to) putting up shelves, hanging picture frames and beating your wife or kids. As a man, I already possess a spirit level. Ladies, ask your husband for access to his tool. Worst case scenario, you can pick one up at pretty much any decent DIY store.
Given that a spirit level can be used to measure how straight something is, it's a natural fit for identifying homosexuals. Upon placing a spirit level atop the skull of the True Christians™ of this Godly forum, one would expect to see the spirit bubble align perfectly with the centre of the device -- a sure sign of pure desires! When doing the same thing with a fag, however, one would expect a skewed result.
Thus the basic method would be described as follows:
1. Put spirit level on top of head.
2. Examine spirit bubble.
3. Central = straight, skewed = not straight.
Unfortunately, this doesn't actually work. You see, human skulls aren't flat. They're sort of curved. In fact, the mere ability to balance a spirit level on one's head without assistance may be a sign of witchcraft.
Like all scientists, however, I'm not going to let a little thing like being wrong get in my way. I will proceed...
A better way
So, just like my marriage, the obvious method failed. Ever the optimist, I looked for a superior way.
What you need to do is simply hand your spirit level to the suspected homofag. If he immediately attempts to sodomise himself with it, you have found yourself a boner fide gay.
This was a surprisingly obvious solution but it required thinking in ways that I have not considered for many years. To catch a sodomite, you must think like a sodomite.
Anyway, I strongly suggest that you don't actually allow the homosexual to sodomise himself with your spirit level. If you make this mistake, I suggest discarding the AIDS-infected equipment post-haste (perhaps borrow some kitchen gloves from your wife first). Remember that the act of pulling down his leggings and undergarments should be sufficient to prove homosexuality beyond a reasonable doubt. There is no need to allow things to go any further.
I take no responsibility for what you do next after discovering a homofag using this method. Do what you feel you must.
Good luck out there, friends! May your rectums remain safe!
Anyway, it strikes me that I've digressed massively so I will continue.
Look, the persecuted status of Christians these days means we have no hope of seeing fag markers any time soon. We have to make do with what we can get. There any already so many great resources on this very forum for identifying fags from afar and in casual conversation but what we really need is an infallible acid test. You know, the kind of thing that you would use before casting rocks in the direction of an alleged homosexual.
Enter the spirit level!
As you probably already know, a spirit level is put on top of a (supposedly) horizontal surface to determine how straight that surface is. It has many uses around the house including (but not limited to) putting up shelves, hanging picture frames and beating your wife or kids. As a man, I already possess a spirit level. Ladies, ask your husband for access to his tool. Worst case scenario, you can pick one up at pretty much any decent DIY store.
Given that a spirit level can be used to measure how straight something is, it's a natural fit for identifying homosexuals. Upon placing a spirit level atop the skull of the True Christians™ of this Godly forum, one would expect to see the spirit bubble align perfectly with the centre of the device -- a sure sign of pure desires! When doing the same thing with a fag, however, one would expect a skewed result.
Thus the basic method would be described as follows:
1. Put spirit level on top of head.
2. Examine spirit bubble.
3. Central = straight, skewed = not straight.
Unfortunately, this doesn't actually work. You see, human skulls aren't flat. They're sort of curved. In fact, the mere ability to balance a spirit level on one's head without assistance may be a sign of witchcraft.
Like all scientists, however, I'm not going to let a little thing like being wrong get in my way. I will proceed...
A better way
So, just like my marriage, the obvious method failed. Ever the optimist, I looked for a superior way.
What you need to do is simply hand your spirit level to the suspected homofag. If he immediately attempts to sodomise himself with it, you have found yourself a boner fide gay.
This was a surprisingly obvious solution but it required thinking in ways that I have not considered for many years. To catch a sodomite, you must think like a sodomite.
Anyway, I strongly suggest that you don't actually allow the homosexual to sodomise himself with your spirit level. If you make this mistake, I suggest discarding the AIDS-infected equipment post-haste (perhaps borrow some kitchen gloves from your wife first). Remember that the act of pulling down his leggings and undergarments should be sufficient to prove homosexuality beyond a reasonable doubt. There is no need to allow things to go any further.
I take no responsibility for what you do next after discovering a homofag using this method. Do what you feel you must.
Good luck out there, friends! May your rectums remain safe!
Jesus was white. His father was God, and God is white. Mary was merely used as a vessel in which Jesus could grow.
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