[Brother Temperance]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

You're such a jerk. You have to make up stories 'cause you can't think of anything better to do with your life.

So you guys think that if I give you money then god will accept me, a guy whose last girlfriend liked to drink blood and had this really sexy thing she did with her tongue. Someone who just last week was in lock up for armed robbery, I mean a few years ago I was selling crack to people at my high school.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

I am neither bald nor in an airport, oh Pastor of Perdition!

Dear bunny boy. I shan't waste my time quoting from the Good Book to you since you are clearly a reptile of SATAN. However, I am aware of the proper procedure for sending you back to your dark master, Hitlery Klingon. Please present yourself at Landover Baptist with all of your earthly possessions and we will schedule a proper exorcism..assuming you survive the initial interrogation.

[Brother Love]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

As I expected, the Chief shepherd of Satan's flock is the first to respond -- and with a Satanic slur, no less!

I CAST THEE OUT, thee servant of the Horned One! I shalt have no TRUCK with thee, or thy Unholy Imprecations! See if I don't Snub Thee at ice cream socials and the like!

Do not call down my Holy Wrath(tm), for I am mickle Powerful and likely to break out into Tongues and describe that magazine you were ogling down at the 7-11 at 11:32 PM last Thursday, PRAISE MY VIDEO CAMERA!

Boy ya is DELUSIONAL and badly in need of some help!! Do ya think ya are JC come again? Well you are NOT! All you do is insult and slur God's ONLY TRUE CHRISTIAN CHURCH, Landover Baptist, so why are ya here? And callin Pastor Al, our GOD ANOINTED LEADER, the "Chief Shepherd of Satan's Flock" is an ABOMINATION and constitutes BLASMPHEMY!! How dare you refer to our esteem GOD ANOINTED PROPHET like that! You better spend some time out back in the latrine and REPENTING of your most recent SINS.

[SONODOG, jr.]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

The Suspected Witch and self-confessed female Rachael Van Helsing wrote:

"I'm confused. All throughout this thread you were calling the landoverites hellbound hellspawn. And yet, now, you're calling them the righteous and the faithful. Make up your mind, which is it?"

My own studies of Holy Scripture have revealed to me that only 144 souls will actually enter into the Kingdom of Heaven at the Last Day of Judgement.

Minus myself, that only leaves 143 souls. I have accounted for another 11, which brings our total of Heaven-bound Born Agains to 132.

Now, subtract the 11 Apostles, for a total of 121. Now subtract Mary, the mother of Jesus, who shall enter in unto the streets of Glory despite being born a sinful woman, and we have 120 slots left.

Subtract the thief on the cross for 119. Now subtract another four persons mentioned in Scripture, for 115.

Now my calculations become less than precise. My own estimates suggest that 0.05 persons are actually Born Again every year -- which means that 100 people, or should I say men, have been saved since the Crucifiction.

In summary, there are no more than a dozen souls now walking the Earth who can claim to be True Saved Christians. I am one, leaving ten or perhaps eleven.

Eleven out of six billion. Those are the odds that anyone at Landover Baptist are actually saved.

Nevertheless, I have high hopes of finding another actual Brother in Christ. Pastor Ezekiel shows great promise, as does Sister Vera, who is probably damned for her sinful gender, but cuts a mean figure in a choir robe nonetheless.

Does that clarify my stance?

[SUV]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

...I have high hopes of finding another actual Brother in Christ. Pastor Ezekiel shows great promise, as does Sister Vera, who is probably damned for her sinful gender, but cuts a mean figure in a choir robe nonetheless.

And out of one too, might I add!

Brother! Although you are so new here that I should perhaps be shunning you (not in any 'moron'-ic sort of way, of course) might I ask you a rather personal question?

"Have you done your CHRISTMAS SHOPPING yet?"

[SONODOG, jr.]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

I am happy to answer any questions you might present, Sister Vera!

I have indeed purchased several small but hideously expensive gifts, since I feel it is my duty to make more pleasant the short Earthly lives of my associates since they will after all spend an eternity being tortured in Hell for their numerous and sundry acts of Sin.

I hope my comment about your figure was not misinterpreted as a statement of carnal lust. But as the Good Book says, in the Song of Solomon,

"Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies."

It's just that I enjoy the sight of deer, especially when they feed among the lillies, as it were.

[SUV]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

It's just that I enjoy the sight of deer, especially when they feed among the lillies, as it were.

I sure Hope that un$avED Lilith doesn't butt in on this, Brother, thinking that this is all about her! As these folks are too dumb to even comprehend JESUS, it's all too likely that she'd see "lillies" as a variation of the spelling of her Name.

(Just ignore her if she pops in, okay? I have it on Good Authority that she is a "Night Hag.")

[SONODOG, jr.]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

Thank you for the godly warning, Sister Vera! I am forever in your debt.

Though I would be suspicious of any soul named "Lillith," given the unHoly implications that name bears!

Speaking of thighs, I'm sure that once again the Song of Solomon sums up yours, as in Chapter 7, verse 1:

"How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince's daughter! the joints of thy thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman."