X
Collapse
 
  • Page of 1
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts
Previous template Next
  • #1

    I'm not the only Christian?

    My name is Alexis, and I am an 18 year old Baptist. I've always been a Christian, (aside from when I was a dirty sinner), but I found Jesus in a dream that wouldn't be proper to talk about, and he baptized me in the flesh. I then realized my true purpose in life - God wanted me to moderate for ***potentially harmful link removed by moderator to protect our women and children***

    Satan immediately tried to sow dissent and destroy my community. It's just as the bible says:

    Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

    I tried my best to ban dozens of evil-doers to protect my sheep from being led astray by Satan's wolves. Only I had the power to moderate and protect them from hearing the wrong messages. Everyone had the wrong conception of Christianity, and so I had to banish my flock. And in the end when I had banned everyone, I was alone with God in my online church. That's when it dawned on me that maybe I was the only Christian in the whole world.

    So I dropped out of school to wander the streets, while I waited for God to explain why I was so special, and what did he want of me? He tested me with stray dogs and starvation, and for a long time I never got an answer. Then one day I took a shower at this church, and felt a good "warm feeling" that I hadn't had before. Could it be that I had finally found a place with other true Christians?

    I rushed to consult with my holy spirit in the shower, and He told me you were sheep, and I should serve him well. So here I am, eager and excited to be among real sheep again.
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Re: I'm not the only Christian?

    Originally posted by onlychristian View Post
    My name is Alexis, and I am an 18 year old Baptist. I've always been a Christian, (aside from when I was a dirty sinner), but I found Jesus in a dream that wouldn't be proper to talk about, and he baptized me in the flesh. I then realized my true purpose in life - God wanted me to moderate for ***potentially harmful link removed by moderator to protect our women and children***

    Satan immediately tried to sow dissent and destroy my community. It's just as the bible says:

    Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

    I tried my best to ban dozens of evil-doers to protect my sheep from being led astray by Satan's wolves. Only I had the power to moderate and protect them from hearing the wrong messages. Everyone had the wrong conception of Christianity, and so I had to banish my flock. And in the end when I had banned everyone, I was alone with God in my online church. That's when it dawned on me that maybe I was the only Christian in the whole world.

    So I dropped out of school to wander the streets, while I waited for God to explain why I was so special, and what did he want of me? He tested me with stray dogs and starvation, and for a long time I never got an answer. Then one day I took a shower at this church, and felt a good "warm feeling" that I hadn't had before. Could it be that I had finally found a place with other true Christians?

    I rushed to consult with my holy spirit in the shower, and He told me you were sheep, and I should serve him well. So here I am, eager and excited to be among real sheep again.
    Hello Alexis,


    While there is always the possibility of some unexpected discoveries, there is at the moment- as far as we know - no other Church that preaches the Bible in its entirety without omissions, interpretations or corruption. Thus, you have come to the right place and with our assistance, you might well find Jesus' Love one day and get a ticket into Heaven!

    It is well-known that True Believers™ are few and scattered. Jesus told us this would happen:

    Matthew 7:14
    Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

    How do you fight the swarm of unbelief and diluted teaching of the Bible? Have you been begetting? Please, share us more of your testimony!


    Yours in Christ,

    Elmer
    2 Kings 18:25 - Am I now come up without the LORD against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, Go up against this land, and destroy it.



    PREPARE YOURSELF TO RAPTURE WITH THIS MANUAL!
    Check out our Research in Creation Science:

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: I'm not the only Christian?

      Originally posted by onlychristian View Post
      My name is Alexis, and I am an 18 year old Baptist. I've always been a Christian, (aside from when I was a dirty sinner), but I found Jesus in a dream that wouldn't be proper to talk about, and he baptized me in the flesh. I then realized my true purpose in life - God wanted me to moderate for ***potentially harmful link removed by moderator to protect our women and children***

      Satan immediately tried to sow dissent and destroy my community. It's just as the bible says:

      Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

      I tried my best to ban dozens of evil-doers to protect my sheep from being led astray by Satan's wolves. Only I had the power to moderate and protect them from hearing the wrong messages. Everyone had the wrong conception of Christianity, and so I had to banish my flock. And in the end when I had banned everyone, I was alone with God in my online church. That's when it dawned on me that maybe I was the only Christian in the whole world.

      So I dropped out of school to wander the streets, while I waited for God to explain why I was so special, and what did he want of me? He tested me with stray dogs and starvation, and for a long time I never got an answer. Then one day I took a shower at this church, and felt a good "warm feeling" that I hadn't had before. Could it be that I had finally found a place with other true Christians?

      I rushed to consult with my holy spirit in the shower, and He told me you were sheep, and I should serve him well. So here I am, eager and excited to be among real sheep again.
      Welcome to our friendly forums, young lady!

      You sure seem as if Jesus has His prurient interest on you. You also seem to be fixated with showers (which I am not interested in).

      This is a Baptist site where we hold the Bible(KJV1611) to be the final authority on all things: can you say the same?

      Psalm 12:6-7 The words of the LORD are pure words: as silver tried in a furnace of earth, purified seven times. Thou shalt keep them, O LORD, thou shalt preserve them from this generation for ever
      Psalm 33:11 The counsel of the LORD standeth for ever, the thoughts of his heart to all generations.
      Psalm 100:5 For the LORD is good, his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations
      Psalm 117:2 For his merciful kindness is great toward us: and the truth of the LORD endureth for ever. Praise ye the LORD.
      Psalm 119:160 Thy word is true from the beginning: and every one of thy righteous judgments endureth for ever.
      Isaiah 40:8 The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: but the word of our God shall stand for ever.
      Matthew 24:35 Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away.
      Luke 16:17 And it is easier for heaven and earth to pass, than one tittle of the law to fail.

      YIC
      1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

      Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

      Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: I'm not the only Christian?

        Eighteen years old, you say? My, my, my, such a lovely age to be.

        Say, do you happen to have a Web cam?

        I'd love to hear more about your walk with Jesus!
        WARNING:
        In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
        REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: I'm not the only Christian?

          Originally posted by Faith_Machine View Post
          Eighteen years old, you say? My, my, my, such a lovely age to be.
          A bit long in the tooth, brother, she's practically a spinster by Christian standards...several years past her prime.

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: I'm not the only Christian?

            Nevertheless, I would be happy to take her under my wing and help her grow in the Lord.
            WARNING:
            In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
            REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: I'm not the only Christian?

              Brother FM:


              You constantly display a desire to use technology to celebrate Christ's selfless offer of Salvation® to the unsaved trash who litter the streets of God's Country. I, for one, would vote in favor of removing the ban that has been placed on you for communicating using such methods.


              Pastors, isn't it time that FM is allowed to show others what God has given him? Isn't it time to shew forgivenessation to the changed man? I envision FM, proudly and without holding anything back, reaching out and virtually touching souls deeply with his spiritual endowment. I see souls snatched from Hell thanks to the spiritual seduction of our Brother.


              Just as Reagan (may his name be lifted up) told Mr. Gorbachev to tear down that wall, let us tear down the firewall that separates Brother Faith Machine from his true calling: a modern ministry that will allow him to bare his very soul so that others might be led to Glory.


              COME, LORD JESUS!
              BrotherLarry
              Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
              “The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

              Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
              Amen and Amen

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: I'm not the only Christian?

                Originally posted by onlychristian View Post
                Then one day I took a shower at this church,
                Please see Brother Harold Porter or Youth Minister What's-his-name. Showers at Landover are $20 (+ $10 for a towel and soap, inc. Landover taxes.)
                sigpic


                “We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

                Author of such illuminating essays as,
                Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: I'm not the only Christian?

                  Originally posted by BrotherLarry View Post
                  Brother FM:


                  You constantly display a desire to use technology to celebrate Christ's selfless offer of Salvation® to the unsaved trash who litter the streets of God's Country. I, for one, would vote in favor of removing the ban that has been placed on you for communicating using such methods.


                  Pastors, isn't it time that FM is allowed to show others what God has given him? Isn't it time to shew forgivenessation to the changed man? I envision FM, proudly and without holding anything back, reaching out and virtually touching souls deeply with his spiritual endowment. I see souls snatched from Hell thanks to the spiritual seduction of our Brother.


                  Just as Reagan (may his name be lifted up) told Mr. Gorbachev to tear down that wall, let us tear down the firewall that separates Brother Faith Machine from his true calling: a modern ministry that will allow him to bare his very soul so that others might be led to Glory.


                  COME, LORD JESUS!
                  BrotherLarry


                  Thank you Brother Larry, and praise the Lord!

                  Why, I've been so purified by the blood of Christ, I don't even remember why that ban was ever enacted in the first place!
                  WARNING:
                  In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
                  REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: I'm not the only Christian?

                    It's so nice to know you're pulling for me!
                    WARNING:
                    In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
                    REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

                    Comment

                    Previous template Next
                    Working...
                    X