Can you help me?

[I Need to be Saved!]

I need help!

My parents are evil, hook-nosed, money-grubbing joos!

They tried to make me one, but I don't want to be a joo! Can you help me? I know you have the BASH program and an ex-negro ministry, but do you have an ex-joo ministry?

I know mom and dad are going to hell, but I don't want to go there myself!

Almost as bad, I live in the evil state of Connecticut! Now that they're letting homos get married here, they probably won't let me have a heterosexual marriage anymore and I won't be able to make any soldiers for Christ!

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Can you help me?

Was it not Our Lord and Savior Himself who attempted to convert the Joos and offer them Salvation? This offer is open to you here at Landover, as is the shiny PayPlay button. Giving generously will show that you are free of the miserliness of your avearage joo

[I Need to be Saved!]

Re: Can you help me?

Tithing will be the first thing I do once I get a paypal account!

I don't live with my sinful parents anymore. I was given a Bible and they took it and sold it!

I'm not sure how I should respond to them. On one hand, the Bible says in Luke 14:26 "If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple." However, it also says in Exodus 21:17 "And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death." Does this mean I should just hate them without cursing them? Maybe Luke doesn't apply to me because I'm not a man and it specifically says "If any MAN."

The Bible can be confusing. I wonder if that's just because I'm an addle-brained female? Anyway, I'll do whatever I can to avoid eternal damnation!

[Talitha]

Re: Can you help me?

Tithing will be the first thing I do once I get a paypal account!

Typical of Joos.

You don't need a Paypal Account to use Paypal.

Try that again and you get an Infraction.

[I Need to be Saved!]

Re: Can you help me?

Typical of Joos.

You don't need a Paypal Account to use Paypal.

Try that again and you get an Infraction.

I don't have a credit card, either! My parents always told me credit cards are evil and sinful. Is that another joo-lie they had me believing? Is it because they're misers? They took all the money I had when they kicked me out because I said I don't want to go to hell like them!

[Talitha]

Re: Can you help me?

I don't have a credit card, either! My parents always told me credit cards are evil and sinful. Is that another joo-lie they had me believing? Is it because they're misers? They took all the money I had when they kicked me out because I said I don't want to go to hell like them!

I guess you mean that you're not yet quite old enough to have a Credit Card?

[Capt. Aaron Portway]

Re: Can you help me?

How old are you Sister I Need? Are you comely and a virgin? I am looking for a True Christian™ wife. Read the following list for me if you would:

1) Get yourself a King James v. 1611 Bible

2) Read it front to back

3) Accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior

4) Prove you are intact "down there" (a note from any True Christian™ Doctor will do if you are too modest to submit to a personal inspection.)

If you meet all these critieria, I would consider marrying you and getting you pregnant. As long as you carried the child to term and it was not any sort of Abomination (a cripple, a retarded, a blind, or a deaf), you would be redeemed in the eyes of God.


Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection.

But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.

For Adam was first formed, then Eve.

And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.

Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
1st Timothy 2:11-15




Let me know if you are interested,

Captain Aaron Portway, Head of Operations at Landover AirJesus

[SayvedByTheLord]

Re: Can you help me?

4) Prove you are intact "down there" (a note from any True Christian™ Doctor will do if you are too modest to submit to a personal inspection.)

I would be willing to assist in making this determination at no charge.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Can you help me?

Tithing will be the first thing I do once I get a paypal account!

You’ve a long way to go – you are avoiding payment, which indicates joo-ness is deep within you.

I don't live with my sinful parents anymore.

…and I bet your mother calls you every day saying you never call…

I was given a Bible and they took it and sold it!

They may yet read it… but don’t hold your breath.

I'm not sure how I should respond to them.

with frank but loving kindness.

[…] Does this mean I should just hate them without cursing them?

Yes.

Maybe Luke doesn't apply to me because I'm not a man and it specifically says "If any MAN."

… just a minute… I have wasted my time replying to a woman? Get back to your father, he will find you a husband to look after you against the time when he (your father) dies. After the marriage, just obey your husband.

The Bible can be confusing. I wonder if that's just because I'm an addle-brained female? Anyway, I'll do whatever I can to avoid eternal damnation!

Hole in one!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Can you help me?

I don't have a credit card, either! My parents always told me credit cards are evil and sinful. Is that another joo-lie they had me believing? Is it because they're misers? They took all the money I had when they kicked me out because I said I don't want to go to hell like them!

Your story doesn't hold water, little girl. It was in fact big jewery who invented credit cards.

I strongly urge you to tell us the truth. How old are you? Why did your ancestors kill Jesus? How can you expect Jesus to smile upon you when you insist on being a damned joo?

Until you come clean and repent, there is no hope for you at all. God doesn't hear the prayers of a joo.