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Greetings Fellow Believers in Christ!
My name is Mr. Esther Pounds and I'm so excited to have finally joined a church which fosters three very important values: true Biblical teachings; tithing more than you could ever afford in an effort to please God and to increase prosperity; and heterosexuality. My last church - Saint Paul de Goodwill - was nothing more than a bunch of Mary-worshipping sodomites where I spent my days as a papal altar boy, on my knees, at the altar, in and out of Father Donnovan's robe. Thanks to Mrs. Betty Bowers B.A.S.H. (Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals) ministry, I've freed myself of those homosexual demons and have officially renounced any sexual position other than the missionary one!
Let me explain.....
You see, I was born Ester Patrick "Pat" Pounds (presumably by my alcoholic Irish parents who likely selected my name in a drunken rage over a lost cigarette) and was reared in a Catholic church for many years. Right from the start, I was destined to live a life full of ridicule, eternal damnation to hell and huffing cases full of "poppers." It wasn't until a chilly night in December of 2008 when Mrs. Better Bowers approached me on a seedy street corner in Las Vegas, Nevada and pulled me into her Bowers Ministry Bently and said, "Esther? Be a man, gurl!" From that point on, I was inducted into her B.A.S.H program and came out a changed boi!
Sure, the down payment for Mrs. Bowers' program was over $10,000 and the remaining balance of $26,601.66 being due a week later were incredibly high in price. But what cost was too great to save my soul? None! So, I joined Mrs. Bowers program and within a year, I went from Prada mules to Route 66 boots and from styling my hair to just a little spit shine. Gurl, I don't have to tell you twice: I'm as saved as that little red-headed tart in Titanic who done lost the sexiest man alive, all because the bitch was selfish and wouldn't share a spot on a sinking door in the middle of the Atlantic.
But I digress.....
On a personal side note (while in rehabilitation for my abhorrent homosexual tendencies), I must tell you that neither Ted Haggard or Former Senator Larry Craig of Idaho (best known for his "homo handshake" in the bathroom stalls of the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport) could keep their hands off me! I must have been calling one of the many beefy, well-built, chisel-chested, muscular, large-packaged security guards every five minutes! Thanks to Jesus, they came right to my rescue.
Nevertheless, here I am. A year later and as heterosexually devout to Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, as Ellen Degeneres is to a Home Depot store! Glory be that I've finally come home to roost with my fellow brethren in Christ.
Smooches,
Ester Pounds
My name is Mr. Esther Pounds and I'm so excited to have finally joined a church which fosters three very important values: true Biblical teachings; tithing more than you could ever afford in an effort to please God and to increase prosperity; and heterosexuality. My last church - Saint Paul de Goodwill - was nothing more than a bunch of Mary-worshipping sodomites where I spent my days as a papal altar boy, on my knees, at the altar, in and out of Father Donnovan's robe. Thanks to Mrs. Betty Bowers B.A.S.H. (Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals) ministry, I've freed myself of those homosexual demons and have officially renounced any sexual position other than the missionary one!
Let me explain.....
You see, I was born Ester Patrick "Pat" Pounds (presumably by my alcoholic Irish parents who likely selected my name in a drunken rage over a lost cigarette) and was reared in a Catholic church for many years. Right from the start, I was destined to live a life full of ridicule, eternal damnation to hell and huffing cases full of "poppers." It wasn't until a chilly night in December of 2008 when Mrs. Better Bowers approached me on a seedy street corner in Las Vegas, Nevada and pulled me into her Bowers Ministry Bently and said, "Esther? Be a man, gurl!" From that point on, I was inducted into her B.A.S.H program and came out a changed boi!
Sure, the down payment for Mrs. Bowers' program was over $10,000 and the remaining balance of $26,601.66 being due a week later were incredibly high in price. But what cost was too great to save my soul? None! So, I joined Mrs. Bowers program and within a year, I went from Prada mules to Route 66 boots and from styling my hair to just a little spit shine. Gurl, I don't have to tell you twice: I'm as saved as that little red-headed tart in Titanic who done lost the sexiest man alive, all because the bitch was selfish and wouldn't share a spot on a sinking door in the middle of the Atlantic.
But I digress.....
On a personal side note (while in rehabilitation for my abhorrent homosexual tendencies), I must tell you that neither Ted Haggard or Former Senator Larry Craig of Idaho (best known for his "homo handshake" in the bathroom stalls of the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport) could keep their hands off me! I must have been calling one of the many beefy, well-built, chisel-chested, muscular, large-packaged security guards every five minutes! Thanks to Jesus, they came right to my rescue.
Nevertheless, here I am. A year later and as heterosexually devout to Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, as Ellen Degeneres is to a Home Depot store! Glory be that I've finally come home to roost with my fellow brethren in Christ.
Smooches,
Ester Pounds
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