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  • #1

    Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name

    I am Jordan. Long long ago I ordered God to write the Bible as a record of my great feats and guidelines to humanity. I didn't want to be mentioned. I prefer to keep myself low-key until recently. God could take the credit for it instead. I am pleased with the result, which is a 100% accurate record of the events I set in motion, under the alias of my assistant of course.
    That's right, I am more powerful than God. He listens to my commands and I also beat him at chess.
    Of course, people don't tend to believe this and ask me for proof (I have heard the most absurd requests, from turning a chair into a rabbit to calling down lightning from the sky). I ha ve nothing to prove to them though.
    (The fun part is that nobody has any reason not to believe me, as no one can disprove my statement.)
    Worry not, boys and girls. Even now that you all know the truth, I do not expect you to worship me. You see God, my favoured second-in-command is doing a reasonable job being deity and intervening and all that. Obama beating McCain in the election was concrete proof of that.
    As for the rest, my church is made of bricks and I found Jesus when he was recovering from his drug addiction.
    Questions? No questions? Very well.
    Jude 1:17 But, beloved, remember ye the words which were spoken before of the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ;
    1:18 How that they told you there should be mockers in the last time, who should walk after their own ungodly lusts.
    1:19 These be they who separate themselves, sensual, having not the Spirit.
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Re: Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name

    Originally posted by Jordan Cooke View Post
    I am Jordan. Long long ago I ordered God to write the Bible as a record of my great feats and guidelines to humanity. I didn't want to be mentioned. I prefer to keep myself low-key until recently. God could take the credit for it instead. I am pleased with the result, which is a 100% accurate record of the events I set in motion, under the alias of my assistant of course.
    That's right, I am more powerful than God. He listens to my commands and I also beat him at chess.
    Of course, people don't tend to believe this and ask me for proof (I have heard the most absurd requests, from turning a chair into a rabbit to calling down lightning from the sky). I ha ve nothing to prove to them though.
    (The fun part is that nobody has any reason not to believe me, as no one can disprove my statement.)
    Worry not, boys and girls. Even now that you all know the truth, I do not expect you to worship me. You see God, my favoured second-in-command is doing a reasonable job being deity and intervening and all that. Obama beating McCain in the election was concrete proof of that.
    As for the rest, my church is made of bricks and I found Jesus when he was recovering from his drug addiction.
    Questions? No questions? Very well.
    Does your mommy know that you're using her computer, boy?
    Who Will Jesus Damn?

    Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

    Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

    Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name

      Your post is blasphemous and very offensive. Do you really think Jesus laughs when He reads this? Taking a sentence from a song of the demonic Rolling Stones as a thread title is already very offensive, delirious claims to be more than God even more.

      I hope you like fire and brimstone. Ah well, don't worry, you'll get used to the stuff. Eventually. I guess.
      Sweet Lord Jesus,
      I want to pray for those who persecute me, my Lord.
      Please, treat their children as you treated those of Egypt, when they upset you! (Psalm 135:8-9)
      Dash their little children against the stones for their fathers iniquity! (Psalm 137:8-9)
      Hit them on the cheek, and smash out their teeth! (Psalm 3:7)
      Make their death and descent into Hell swift and terrible! (Psalm 55:15)
      Scatter their broken bodies over the streets of their evil cities, like Benghazi, Amsterdam, Tokyo and Mecca! (Psalm 110:6)
      Praised be Your Glorious Name™.

      Amen.

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name

        Originally posted by True Disciple View Post
        Your post is blasphemous and very offensive. Do you really think Jesus laughs when He reads this? Taking a sentence from a song of the demonic Rolling Stones as a thread title is already very offensive, delirious claims to be more than God even more.

        I hope you like fire and brimstone. Ah well, don't worry, you'll get used to the stuff. Eventually. I guess.
        My coolness will make Hell freeze over. I'll manage.
        Jude 1:17 But, beloved, remember ye the words which were spoken before of the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ;
        1:18 How that they told you there should be mockers in the last time, who should walk after their own ungodly lusts.
        1:19 These be they who separate themselves, sensual, having not the Spirit.

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name

          Originally posted by Jordan Cooke View Post
          My coolness will make Hell freeze over. I'll manage.
          I think the flames would sooner die out of sheer boredom...
          Sweet Lord Jesus,
          I want to pray for those who persecute me, my Lord.
          Please, treat their children as you treated those of Egypt, when they upset you! (Psalm 135:8-9)
          Dash their little children against the stones for their fathers iniquity! (Psalm 137:8-9)
          Hit them on the cheek, and smash out their teeth! (Psalm 3:7)
          Make their death and descent into Hell swift and terrible! (Psalm 55:15)
          Scatter their broken bodies over the streets of their evil cities, like Benghazi, Amsterdam, Tokyo and Mecca! (Psalm 110:6)
          Praised be Your Glorious Name™.

          Amen.

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name

            @True Disciple I will pray that Jordan Cooke will change his mind and go to Heaven. #John 14:1-4
            I Jesus!

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name

              Originally posted by Jordan Cooke View Post
              My coolness will make Hell freeze over. I'll manage.
              Oh Yes! You are so cool.

              You are only the 37th person in 2010 to use a Rolling Stone quote and make beleive you are satan. Man oh man, you certainly are orginal. Why I bet you have Bieber hair too!

              Have fun in time out child.
              Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
              Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
              Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
              Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
              Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
              Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name

                Did somebody leave the door open around here? Lots of darn smart-aleck kiddies been comin' round lately. Responsible parents need to put some passwords on their computers!

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name

                  Originally posted by James Hutchins View Post
                  You are only the 37th person in 2010
                  Well, that is an improvement. By this time last year we already had 42 of those idiots, now only 37.
                  5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
                  To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
                  James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name

                    I'll pray with Felicity to save this evil doer.

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Re: Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name

                      @humble servant That is great! Let us all pray together! #Acts 2:42
                      I Jesus!

                      Comment

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