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I pray the Good Lord Jesus finds you well this day.
Since I received a recent (and rightful) rebuking from Pastor Ezekiel for wrongly posting a totally relevant, interesting thread without a proper introduction and authorization, I'm here to correct my oversight with said proper introduction.
Friends, this communique comes to you from the midwestern Babylon, Chicago, Illinois. I'm here doing missionary work, to be detailed forthwith. But first, allow me to tell you a little bit of my background and how I came to know Jesus, that we might fellowship together.
Like many of you, I came to Christ late in life. I was born into a family of sinners. My parents were atheists, my friends -- godless atheists. My parents' parents were atheists as well. From the day of my birth, until only recently, I never knew the terrifying love of Jesus Christ.
Yes, friends, I was raised in sin. I attended PUBLIC SCHOOLS. I got a degree in LIBERAL STUDIES from a major US university. Friends, I was so depraved, that I went on to get a GRADUATE degree and worked in the LIBERAL MEDIA as well.
I was a hedonist, sinner, sodomite. I took STRANGE DRUGS. I held religion in CONTEMPT. I experimented with SATANISM and the Church of the Subgenius! Friends, there was no depravity to which I would not sink. I recall one instance when I actually SOAKED a BLESSED COMMUNION WAFER in LIQUID LSD before breaking that bread with a homosexual and TWO LOOSE WOMEN. What followed, fellow Christians, I cannot say, for fear the PERVERSIONS to which we set ourselves on that damned evening would prove TOO MUCH for a GODLY, CHRISTIAN audience like you all to stomach.
And SATAN rewarded my blasphemy! I rose high in the ranks of my chosen profession. I had wealth beyond measure. I had a stable of whores to pleasure me. I had UNLIMITED SUPPLIES of booze and narcotics. But it was never enough. I wanted more. More money. More drugs. More whores.
Then, my friends, one afternoon I found myself at the thirteenth hole of the Maple Shores Country Club, snorting cocaine off the roof of a golf cart as a thunderstorm started rolling in. The sniveling sycophants that I surrounded myself with at the time were rightfully frightened by the impending storm. "Let's go do some shots at the clubhouse," they said. "This storm is going to piffle up our game."
But friends, I was TOO PROUD to call it a day. I was shooting 4 over par! There was no way I was going to stop before I was done. So the whiny, effeminate lackies made their way back in, and I played through, storm be damned.
But the storm wasn't damned, my friends. It was I who was damned, and I didn't even know it.
I teed up on the fifteenth hole, a 300-yard monster with scrub brush on both sides of the fairway. Thunder cracked above me, breaking my steely concentration. So I held my driver aloft, pointed at the heavens, and cried out, "piffle you GOD! I'm MAKING THIS DRIVE, and there AIN'T SHIT you can do about it!"
But there WAS shit God could do about it, my friends. At that moment, the clouds split, the heavens were rent, and a thick, white bolt of lightening shot down from the sky and STRUCK ME THROUGH MY GOLF CLUB.
Now, I don't remember exactly what happened next. There was a flash, my body went numb, and when I regained my senses, I found that i was sitting on a beach, under an umbrella, drinking a Shirley Temple out of a coconut husk. Needless to say, I was extremely confused. I looked over to my right, and I saw a man reclining on the beach chair beside me. I knew, as soon as my eyes fell on him, that there was only one man this could be. It was the LORD JESUS CHRIST. And he was wearing chinos.
I stammered, "Jesus, how is it you are here?"
"I am everywhere, my child," he replied.
I could barely speak. Eventually, I managed to blurt out, "But, Jesus, if you're real, then I've wasted my whole life chasing money, drugs and whores!"
"That's right," was his stoic reply.
So naturally, I had a million questions. "Well, Jesus, if you're real, then tell me, what is the one true denomination?"
"Baptist," he said.
"But Jesus," I pleaded, "there are so many Baptist churches in the world, and they're all different from one another. How do I know who's right?"
"My son, the One True Church is in Freehold, Iowa. The One True Faith are the Christians at Landover Baptist Church."
And as he spoke those words, my friends, I felt the HORRIBLE, WONDERFUL PAIN of JESUS' UNDYING LOVE FOR ME flow out of his tastefully appointed person and into my wretched body. I was enraptured, my friends. More powerful than any crack I'd ever smoked, more effusive than any orgasm I'd ever had, was this POWER that flowed through my body.
Then, I woke up.
I was in an ambulance. I'd been struck by lightening, they told me. I was going to be alright, they told me. But it wasn't the paramedics that saved my life, friends. It was the LORD JESUS.
At that point, I knew I only had one course of action before me, friends, and that was to RENOUNCE my sin, and turn ALL OF MY SUBSTANTIAL RESOURCES to furthering the Baptist agenda.
So I quit my job, and sold off my investments. I kept only what I could carry in my Bentley, and went on the road. I went from one podunk, hick-filled shithole to another, laying hands on the sinners and preaching the word of Almightly God in the hopes that the NEXT TIME I had to look Jesus in the eye, I could say to him that I had done my best to fulfill his will.
I had heard whispers about an "underground" group of Creation Scientists that were working, secretly, amongst the unsaved HEATHENS of the Chicago "science" establishment, so I made my way here, determined to convince them that JESUS APPROVED of their holy work, and that they must REVEAL their discoveries to the masses, regardless of the consequences to their so-called "careers".
I used my substantial wealth to begin work on the New Thessalonians Vacation Bible Experience, a Baptist theme park based on the sermons of Pastor Deacon Fred, scheduled to open in sunny Orlando, Florida on Dec. 12, 2012.
And my crack team of Creation Scientists helped me to produce the first volume of BIBLICALLY-ACCURATE analysis of Charles Darwin's blasphemy called "evolution". That work is now available, ONLY TO TRUE CHRISTIANS, exclusively through my website. It's called, "The _____ of _____ by Means of Natural _____".
It is only now, my friends, that I have something to offer in service to the LORD, when I can reach out to the lily-white, sinless brothers and sisters in Christ who live in Freehold and tithe weekly to Landover Baptist. Until now, I've been unfit. Truth be told, I am certainly unfit still.
Nevertheless, I hope the Good Christians at Landover Baptist Church will appreciate the SINCERITY of my intention and EXTENT of my WEALTH, and will see fit to allow me to join the ranks of the PLATINUM TITHERS of Landover Baptist.
Yours in Christ,
Ian Monroe
Since I received a recent (and rightful) rebuking from Pastor Ezekiel for wrongly posting a totally relevant, interesting thread without a proper introduction and authorization, I'm here to correct my oversight with said proper introduction.
Friends, this communique comes to you from the midwestern Babylon, Chicago, Illinois. I'm here doing missionary work, to be detailed forthwith. But first, allow me to tell you a little bit of my background and how I came to know Jesus, that we might fellowship together.
Like many of you, I came to Christ late in life. I was born into a family of sinners. My parents were atheists, my friends -- godless atheists. My parents' parents were atheists as well. From the day of my birth, until only recently, I never knew the terrifying love of Jesus Christ.
Yes, friends, I was raised in sin. I attended PUBLIC SCHOOLS. I got a degree in LIBERAL STUDIES from a major US university. Friends, I was so depraved, that I went on to get a GRADUATE degree and worked in the LIBERAL MEDIA as well.
I was a hedonist, sinner, sodomite. I took STRANGE DRUGS. I held religion in CONTEMPT. I experimented with SATANISM and the Church of the Subgenius! Friends, there was no depravity to which I would not sink. I recall one instance when I actually SOAKED a BLESSED COMMUNION WAFER in LIQUID LSD before breaking that bread with a homosexual and TWO LOOSE WOMEN. What followed, fellow Christians, I cannot say, for fear the PERVERSIONS to which we set ourselves on that damned evening would prove TOO MUCH for a GODLY, CHRISTIAN audience like you all to stomach.
And SATAN rewarded my blasphemy! I rose high in the ranks of my chosen profession. I had wealth beyond measure. I had a stable of whores to pleasure me. I had UNLIMITED SUPPLIES of booze and narcotics. But it was never enough. I wanted more. More money. More drugs. More whores.
Then, my friends, one afternoon I found myself at the thirteenth hole of the Maple Shores Country Club, snorting cocaine off the roof of a golf cart as a thunderstorm started rolling in. The sniveling sycophants that I surrounded myself with at the time were rightfully frightened by the impending storm. "Let's go do some shots at the clubhouse," they said. "This storm is going to piffle up our game."
But friends, I was TOO PROUD to call it a day. I was shooting 4 over par! There was no way I was going to stop before I was done. So the whiny, effeminate lackies made their way back in, and I played through, storm be damned.
But the storm wasn't damned, my friends. It was I who was damned, and I didn't even know it.
I teed up on the fifteenth hole, a 300-yard monster with scrub brush on both sides of the fairway. Thunder cracked above me, breaking my steely concentration. So I held my driver aloft, pointed at the heavens, and cried out, "piffle you GOD! I'm MAKING THIS DRIVE, and there AIN'T SHIT you can do about it!"
But there WAS shit God could do about it, my friends. At that moment, the clouds split, the heavens were rent, and a thick, white bolt of lightening shot down from the sky and STRUCK ME THROUGH MY GOLF CLUB.
Now, I don't remember exactly what happened next. There was a flash, my body went numb, and when I regained my senses, I found that i was sitting on a beach, under an umbrella, drinking a Shirley Temple out of a coconut husk. Needless to say, I was extremely confused. I looked over to my right, and I saw a man reclining on the beach chair beside me. I knew, as soon as my eyes fell on him, that there was only one man this could be. It was the LORD JESUS CHRIST. And he was wearing chinos.
I stammered, "Jesus, how is it you are here?"
"I am everywhere, my child," he replied.
I could barely speak. Eventually, I managed to blurt out, "But, Jesus, if you're real, then I've wasted my whole life chasing money, drugs and whores!"
"That's right," was his stoic reply.
So naturally, I had a million questions. "Well, Jesus, if you're real, then tell me, what is the one true denomination?"
"Baptist," he said.
"But Jesus," I pleaded, "there are so many Baptist churches in the world, and they're all different from one another. How do I know who's right?"
"My son, the One True Church is in Freehold, Iowa. The One True Faith are the Christians at Landover Baptist Church."
And as he spoke those words, my friends, I felt the HORRIBLE, WONDERFUL PAIN of JESUS' UNDYING LOVE FOR ME flow out of his tastefully appointed person and into my wretched body. I was enraptured, my friends. More powerful than any crack I'd ever smoked, more effusive than any orgasm I'd ever had, was this POWER that flowed through my body.
Then, I woke up.
I was in an ambulance. I'd been struck by lightening, they told me. I was going to be alright, they told me. But it wasn't the paramedics that saved my life, friends. It was the LORD JESUS.
At that point, I knew I only had one course of action before me, friends, and that was to RENOUNCE my sin, and turn ALL OF MY SUBSTANTIAL RESOURCES to furthering the Baptist agenda.
So I quit my job, and sold off my investments. I kept only what I could carry in my Bentley, and went on the road. I went from one podunk, hick-filled shithole to another, laying hands on the sinners and preaching the word of Almightly God in the hopes that the NEXT TIME I had to look Jesus in the eye, I could say to him that I had done my best to fulfill his will.
I had heard whispers about an "underground" group of Creation Scientists that were working, secretly, amongst the unsaved HEATHENS of the Chicago "science" establishment, so I made my way here, determined to convince them that JESUS APPROVED of their holy work, and that they must REVEAL their discoveries to the masses, regardless of the consequences to their so-called "careers".
I used my substantial wealth to begin work on the New Thessalonians Vacation Bible Experience, a Baptist theme park based on the sermons of Pastor Deacon Fred, scheduled to open in sunny Orlando, Florida on Dec. 12, 2012.
And my crack team of Creation Scientists helped me to produce the first volume of BIBLICALLY-ACCURATE analysis of Charles Darwin's blasphemy called "evolution". That work is now available, ONLY TO TRUE CHRISTIANS, exclusively through my website. It's called, "The _____ of _____ by Means of Natural _____".
It is only now, my friends, that I have something to offer in service to the LORD, when I can reach out to the lily-white, sinless brothers and sisters in Christ who live in Freehold and tithe weekly to Landover Baptist. Until now, I've been unfit. Truth be told, I am certainly unfit still.
Nevertheless, I hope the Good Christians at Landover Baptist Church will appreciate the SINCERITY of my intention and EXTENT of my WEALTH, and will see fit to allow me to join the ranks of the PLATINUM TITHERS of Landover Baptist.
Yours in Christ,
Ian Monroe
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