newbie

[kobe08]

Hi all.. Im new to this forum. I hope to learn more about christianity.

[James Dewitt]

Re: newbie

And.................. A few more details would be great.

[James Hutchins]

Re: newbie

Welcome kobe, what kind of a Christian name is that?

Where are you from, what Chuch do you attend?

How many sons have you sired for Jesus?

[James Dewitt]

Re: newbie

Welcome kobe, what kind of a Christian name is that?

Brother James, its not a Christian name. I think its a nigra name just like that fellow in Califagornia that plays basketball, Kobe Brian.

[landoverlover]

Re: newbie

Brother James, its not a Christian name. I think its a nigra name just like that fellow in Califagornia that plays basketball, Kobe Brian.

Either that or he's an Animist named after an expensive Japanese beef cow....

[LordHaveMercy]

Re: newbie

It could be that he is slopey, and comes from that city in Japan. Or, perhaps he is an earthquake lover.

Either way, if you want to learn about Christianity, go locate a King James Bible(version 1611), open it at page one, and report back when you are finished reading it.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: newbie

I posted this short lecture on Christianity somewhere on these boards, but can't find it now, so here it is again:

If I may summarize:
Prequel God (Jesus, God The Father, and The Holy Spirit – see later) and Lucifer fall out, God gives Satan charge of Hell

PART I

• God creates the earth in 6 days and places Man (Adam) in Eden (look on it as a sort of agreeable Everglades.)
• God has soft spot for Adam and creates Eve.
• Eve is a dumb blonde and is approached by Satan disguised as a snake and eats the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. She also persuades Adam to have a nibble
• Adam and Eve are caught out by God and are cursed to become mortal – Eve’s going to have a few problems with childbirth. The snake has to wander the earth on its belly, but at the same time has to be in charge of Hell.
• Fast forwards a few hundred generations and mankind has lost the plot. Noah is told to build a very big boat and put all the animals in it (limited admission). It throws it down with rain for quite a while, everyone is drowned.
• During voyage Noah is seen to be naked, this causes jigaboos and all the other races on earth.
• The races get further mixed up when God decides that language is important and confuses the world with various varieties. (Look upon it as the difference in speech between, say a New Yorker and a Texan, only more so)
• The Israelites (symbolically the chosen people) are taken into slavery and Moses (big chap with a beard, and a staff) causes plagues and then parts the Red Sea leads the Israelites out of bondage but “buys the Big One” before he reaches Israel (confusingly called Judah and other names)
• Several wars take place, God always wins, millions are slaughtered but the Israelites come out on top because, basically, they’re God’s Chosen People.
• Nebuchadnezzar gets the writing on the wall and is destroyed
• Shadrach Meshach and Abednego survive a furnace
• Daniel survives the Lions’ Den and
• Jonah is swallowed by a whale and survives, all because of God.
• Various things are prophesied and come to pass, or will come to pass.
• Solomon has loads of wives and is brilliant in the Family Social Work side but eventually let’s himself down by being too liberal.
• David slays Goliath, is a big friend of Jonathan and becomes the best King ever
• Other stuff happens and

PART II

• Near Christmas, Jesus is born.
• Jesus is part of the Trinity – He is God but the Son of God and encompasses the Holy Spirit. (This is the bit that requires Faith, as well as a later bit, see below – There is one God and He is Jesus, God The Father and The Holy Spirit.)
• The local head honcho, Herod, is a bit disturbed and has all the male kids slain – He misses Jesus.
• Jesus grows up and starts to preach. He feeds 5000 with fish sandwiches, cures lepers, madmen, blind, deaf, etc. but by way of an example rather than in the way of a hospital, and he does it for free.
• Jesus gets baptized by John the Baptist who later loses his head to Salome.
• This is the start of The Baptists.
• Jesus says that he has come with a sword to divide everyone and that if you don’t believe in Him you’re hell-bound and should be killed.
• Jesus has gathered around him 12 men who either record or have their thoughts recorded
• Jesus upsets the big joo cheeses and they set Him up as a patsy.
• Jesus has The Last Supper with his co-workers and asks them to occasionally think of Him when eating and drinking. He also tells Thomas (one of his friends) that he is a doubter and He knows that Judas will squeal to the Romans and that Peter (a bit of a devil) will carry the church forward.
• Jesus was expecting to be crucified and says, “I will return” (McArthur and Schwarzenegger said similar.)
• The Roman Head honcho washes his hands and agrees that if the joos say it’s right, it must be, and has Him crucified.
• This frees mankind from all sin as long as they believe in Him.
• 3 days later (around Easter) He’s back from the dead.
• Everyone’s amazed (except the joos who are somewhat cheesed off.)
• Jesus goes to Heaven.
• The Apostles (his friends) go around teaching and preaching.
• John The Divine tells of the 2nd Coming of Jesus, Armageddon and how 1/3rd of everyone (2.3Billion people) will be horribly killed and go to Hell.
  

Part III

• The pope gets in on the act, decides there’s good business to be had and starts a fraudulent religion called Catlicks.
• About 1300 years later King Henry VIII of England, who runs through several wives, gets turned down for a divorce from one of the popes. He gets pissed off and tells the pope to stuff it where the sun doesn’t shine and starts being a Protestant.
• King James gets to be King of England and God thinks this is a good time to correct the silly papist ideas and has James write the Bible KJV1611. This is God's Final Word on everything.
  
• James isn’t as free with his interpretation of the Bible as some might like and a load of people take the boat to America (look on it as a cruise)
• These guys bring their wives and children and KJV1611 and found a British Colony.
• No-one likes British Taxes and so they dress up an injuns (to lay off the blame) and split with Britain after tipping tea into Boston Harbor (The British think of tea as being next to God, so it’s a big insult)
• Everyone of importance is now American, however the North and South fall out.
• The south was Godly and right but are defeated. This may have been down to their treatment of slaves, NOT because they had slaves. (See Gen. Lee) of which God approves.
  

The rest is history.

The basis of it all is that you believe all of that without question or burn for eternity.
OK, you’re up to speed, get on with it.