A doomed hello.

[Cursed]

I'm cursed because the blood of Canaan flows through my veins.

I'm cursed as a bastard in a long line of bastards.

And I'm sure I'm burdened with a few other layered multigenerational curses, as my family tree is fruitful with rotten liars, hypocrites, drunks, and adulterers; and that's only what I'm aware of personally. I shudder to think of what was actually kept secret from me.

On top of all of that horror, I was baptized Catholic. I was too young to do anything to prevent it, I was a baby. That's another nail in the coffin, all before I could even crawl.

My first words were "Oh, no." Even as an infant I knew I was in trouble.

Having since read the King James Bible, I've reached the same conclusion, "Oh, no." There's not much for me to do but pass the time until I am thrown screaming into the pits of Hell.

How do I make the best of this difficult situation? I'm trying to stay positive. I was an atheist for a while out of spite, but since I still talked to GOD in my head it seemed kind of hypocritical. This may have earned me another curse.

What, if anything, can one do to overcome multiple curses? In the Book of Matthew (15:22) Jesus cast a devil out of a Canaanite; was that just a temporary reprieve? Was she exorcised by Jesus only to go to Hell when she died due to the Curse of Canaan?

Let me ask a question, if I may. How big of a crumb can this dog get from the master's table?

My favorite Bible verse is Proverbs 26:11

Being a cursed baptized-Catholic Canaanite bastard, I think attending church would only make my situation worse, if that is even possible.

Thank you for your time.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: A doomed hello.

1. I'm cursed as a bastard in a long line of bastards.

2. I was baptized Catholic.

3. I think attending church would only make my situation worse, if that is even possible.

Thank you for your time.

To cut to the chase, I have reduced your prolix post to its essentials:

1. De:23:2: A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

As you will not get into any church, worthy of the name "church" (i.e. Landover) I suggest you make the most of your days on earth for eternity will be painful.

2. You cannot be "baptized" Catholic - Christians get baptized and Catholics are not Christians. What happened to you was some Satanic ritual filled with darkness and superstition.

3. As I said, it is not possible. Sneaking in would not help - God sees what you are doing.

As far as being a Canaanite is concerned, if The Lord saw fit to spare one of your forefathers, then you can assume that it is only so that you may be slain when He has an idle moment. - I think your purpose on earth is to serve as an awful example to others - but that is speculation.

Read KJV1611 until you have memorized it - that way you can preach to the souls in Hell and maybe bring them some relief... or not.

[Cursed]

Re: A doomed hello.

To cut to the chase, I have reduced your prolix post to its essentials:

1. De:23:2: A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

As you will not get into any church, worthy of the name "church" (i.e. Landover) I suggest you make the most of your days on earth for eternity will be painful.

2. You cannot be "baptized" Catholic - Christians get baptized and Catholics are not Christians. What happened to you was some Satanic ritual filled with darkness and superstition.

3. As I said, it is not possible. Sneaking in would not help - God sees what you are doing.

As far as being a Canaanite is concerned, if The Lord saw fit to spare one of your forefathers, then you can assume that it is only so that you may be slain when He has an idle moment. - I think your purpose on earth is to serve as an awful example to others - but that is speculation.

Read KJV1611 until you have memorized it - that way you can preach to the souls in Hell and maybe bring them some relief... or not.

Thank you for casting your pearls my way, Mr. Bathfire.

As you know, Acts 16:31 says believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house.

How many curses are covered by a save, if any? Or is saving only for the non-cursed? Surely the bastard multigenerational curse (to pick one of the many I am burdened with) would be easier to wash away than the sin of murder?

Also, what if I'm not worried about my house? Will that cover more curses if I'm not worried about the house? I don't even have a house, will that earn me more credit against my curses?

Of course, I could go to another, gentler "Christian" forum and be told that GOD is love, but we both know that they would be lying because we've read The King James Bible.

I believe if anybody knows the way out of hell for a cursed bastard Canaanite, it would be a True Christian™.

Please excuse my persistence, but considering what's at stake I hope you understand.

Thank you for your time.

[Cardinal Dario Fungi]

Re: A doomed hello.

2. You cannot be "baptized" Catholic - Christians get baptized and Catholics are not Christians. What happened to you was some Satanic ritual filled with darkness and superstition.

Don't listen to Bathfire. You were saved when you were Baptised in the Holy Roman Catholic Church. Why have you strayed?

[Wide-Open]

Re: A doomed hello.

Welcome friend. I'm not sure if we already have an ex-bastard program, but let me find that out for you. Perhaps something can be arranged.

I'm afraid Brother Bathfire is correct though. This may not be easy (and probably expensive).

Read KJV1611 until you have memorized it - that way you can preach to the souls in Hell and maybe bring them some relief... or not.

That one got me thinking Brother Bathfire.

Suppose he reads them:

Psalm 9:17
The wicked shall be turned into hell, and all the nations that forget God.

What could they reply but: "durrr"?

Oh well, even if it gives them no relief, it will give us great pleasure.

[Bible Student]

Re: A doomed hello.

Don't listen to Bathfire. You were saved when you were Baptised in the Holy Roman Catholic Church. Why have you strayed?

Excuse me Cardinal Fungi, but I need to ask a question. Does the Catolick Church now baptize by total immersion, or do they still effetely sprinkle a couple of drops of water over infants under the age of consent from cisterns that diseased ridden members dip their fingers in?

[Janine Walker]

Re: A doomed hello.

Heya, you! Welcome and I hope God can cure your blood diseases.

I have a question.. how many of the priests from your Catlick church ended up being Kidlickers?

Were you molested? Are you a male or female?

In Jesus, Janine Walker

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: A doomed hello.

@Cursed

If you were baptised by a Catlick priest, then you probably have the AIDS, as everyone knows that the AIDS is a punishment for homosexuality, Catholic priests are homosexual, and therefore Catlick priests have the AIDS. Being touched by a Catlick priest, you were not only raped by a homosexual, but also infested with his morbid plague.

[Oakland "Reb" Griner]

Re: A doomed hello.

I am only speculating here, but it occurs to me the administrative hurdles in overseeing Hell are compounded each and every day. Continuously, sinners the world over are competing against themselves in promulgating new and more depraved offenses to God. Hell is already crammed chock a block full of billions of the damned, wailing and gnashing their teeth in torment at the barbed hands (and penises!) of all manner of foul and loathsome demons.

Maybe, just maybe, if you led an exemplary life (be thinking along the lines of dedicating the rest of your stay on earth to cleaning the toilets and passageways at Landover Baptist) that God might see fit to have you tormented in Hell only to the degree necessary to fulfill His promise, and that you might serve out eternity in staffing the bureaucracy of Hell. Yes, it will still be unbearable, unending suffering, but you will not be in the pits, and relatively speaking, this is the best that could be hoped for.

Know that those of us whom are Saved will, when we look down upon the ranks sweltering and burning in the fiery lake from our lofty paradise in Heaven, we will note that amongst the execrable damned, you are nevertheless, nearly, almost blessed among them.

[Cursed]

Re: A doomed hello.

Don't listen to Bathfire. You were saved when you were Baptised in the Holy Roman Catholic Church. Why have you strayed?

I wouldn't know where to begin, Cardinal Fungi, the reasons are legion.

Let's just say I went to Catholic school and I was an altar boy and leave it at that.

Welcome friend. I'm not sure if we already have an ex-bastard program, but let me find that out for you. Perhaps something can be arranged.

I'm afraid Brother Bathfire is correct though. This may not be easy (and probably expensive).

My most sincere thanks, Pastor Wide-Open. You have truly earned your Christian Love Badge showing such merciful kindness.

Your generosity brings a tear to my wretched eye.

Heya, you! Welcome and I hope God can cure your blood diseases.

I did not know I had any blood diseases, but if a True Christian™ says so, I must reassess my obviously wrong assumption.

Miss Walker, I believe that GOD could cure me, but the question is why would he bother? If only he would harden my heart to this dilemma. Why does he torture me so?

Oh yes, of course, how silly of me. I'm cursed, that's why. He wants me to know I'm going to Hell beforehand, so He can righteously enjoy my suffering.

I have a question.. how many of the priests from your Catlick church ended up being Kidlickers?

Being Catholic, I would have to assume all of them.

Were you molested? Are you a male or female?

I am as male as a bastard mongrel of a man can be. Only one-eighth of my blood is Canaanite; perhaps I could be considered seven-eighths of a proper Caucasian male.

@Cursed

If you were baptised by a Catlick priest, then you probably have the AIDS, as everyone knows that the AIDS is a punishment for homosexuality, Catholic priests are homosexual, and therefore Catlick priests have the AIDS. Being touched by a Catlick priest, you were not only raped by a homosexual, but also infested with his morbid plague.

Mr. Jenkins, this kind of brilliant insight is exactly why I came to the Landover Baptist forum. Where else would I get such honesty, love, and graciousness?

My blood was tested at my last examination; the doctor told me I was disease free. However, after you and Miss Walker informed me of my disease-ridden status, I did some investigation.

The doctor who tested me is a Jewess and can't be trusted; my prognosis is negative, I'm afraid.

I am only speculating here, but it occurs to me the administrative hurdles in overseeing Hell are compounded each and every day. Continuously, sinners the world over are competing against themselves in promulgating new and more depraved offenses to God. Hell is already crammed chock a block full of billions of the damned, wailing and gnashing their teeth in torment at the barbed hands (and penises!) of all manner of foul and loathsome demons.

Maybe, just maybe, if you led an exemplary life (be thinking along the lines of dedicating the rest of your stay on earth to cleaning the toilets and passageways at Landover Baptist) that God might see fit to have you tormented in Hell only to the degree necessary to fulfill His promise, and that you might serve out eternity in staffing the bureaucracy of Hell. Yes, it will still be unbearable, unending suffering, but you will not be in the pits, and relatively speaking, this is the best that could be hoped for.

Know that those of us whom are Saved will, when we look down upon the ranks sweltering and burning in the fiery lake from our lofty paradise in Heaven, we will note that amongst the execrable damned, you are nevertheless, nearly, almost blessed among them.

I can only pray that one of you will be kind enough to let a little spit dribble down to me to quench my burning thirst, Mr. Griner.

My deepest hope though, sir, is that through study of the King James Bible, and guidance from those with better mental faculties than myself (i.e. any Caucasian True ChristianTM), I may discover a way to avoid Hell altogether.

However, I'll take what I can get; first I must define what the best-case scenario is.

If my cause is truly hopeless, I should certainly continue reveling in the flesh here on earth, as that is all of the reveling I will ever get; though if I can possibly increase my station in Hell or maybe even earn sweet oblivion instead through living an exemplary life, I will do what is required.

Thank you all for your time.

[Levi Jones]

Re: A doomed hello.

Hello and welcome. You seem a cut above the usual riff-raff we get on our hallowed forum.

It's such a shame about your partial cushite blood. Tough break there, as we southerners believe in the one drop principle. It still doesn't necessarily disqualify you from our Father's mansion as Paul points out,

Galatians 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.

The bastard thing is a bit more tricky. As Pastor WO pointed out we can probably come up with some sort of dispensation for this and still guarantee your Salvation, but these things don't come easily or without a whole LOT of prayer.

Maybe our theologians can find some favorable reading of Hebrews 12 on how you are a metaphorical bastard.

[Cursed]

Re: A doomed hello.

Hello and welcome. You seem a cut above the usual riff-raff we get on our hallowed forum.

I may be a cut above sycophantically, but still an abomination, hideous in the eyes of THE LORD... and quite a few people. Thank you, sir, for your kind greeting.

It's such a shame about your partial cushite blood. Tough break there, as we southerners believe in the one drop principle. It still doesn't necessarily disqualify you from our Father's mansion as Paul points out,

Galatians 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.

As a half-witted pinhead, I reached a different conclusion after reading the King James Bible; that I am doomed.

Exodus 20:5 explains my miserable life pretty clearly, to pick only one example; but Ezekiel 18:20 says something else... that the son shall not pay for the sins of his father.

After an embarrassingly long time, it finally dawned on me... why am I trying to figure this out?

So I came here to beg my intellectual betters for some trickle-down wisdom.

The bastard thing is a bit more tricky. As Pastor WO pointed out we can probably come up with some sort of dispensation for this and still guarantee your Salvation, but these things don't come easily or without a whole LOT of prayer.

Will one of the two or three steady streams of babbling in my head suffice as an ongoing prayer, or do I have to really focus on it? When I try to focus on just one thing, I get kind of sleepy.

I will do whatever commanded by the King James Bible; well, kind of. I probably shouldn't stone my neighbors to death when they work on the Sabbath.

Ha ha there I go again, what a bad monkey I am! Maybe I SHOULD stone my neighbors to death when they work on the Sabbath?

What if I get scheduled to work on the Sabbath again? Should I kill the person who scheduled me?

What IS the Sabbath? Is it Saturday or Sunday? I'm supposed to work on Saturday, should I kill myself?

I can't stand it! WHAT DO I DO?

Maybe our theologians can find some favorable reading of Hebrews 12 on how you are a metaphorical bastard.

Pastor Jones, your benevolence is already overwhelming.

I will continue my studies with the help of the Landover Baptist Forum as long as you allow it; to be granted even a few moments of membership has been an honor.

Thank you for your time.