[Dr. Otto Bond Sr.]

Re: I Officially Renounce Satanism!

Renouncing satanism is a good first step, but it's exactly that: a first step. Odds are, you won't make it to heaven at this point (just look at my signature) but you are commanded to keep trying to be perfect according to Matthew 5:48, even though it's impossible for anyone but Jesus to be perfect. So keep up the good work, or Jesus will burn you in Hell. Don't push Him. Get Saved(tm) now before Jesus runs out of patience with you!

"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." Matthew 5:48

[Enigmatic Harpo Marx]

Re: I Officially Renounce Satanism!

Maybe you could ask him to slow down the Denver Nuggets a little? They only need to lose a few games, and not by much.

I can do my best. You are in luck though. From what I understand satan has no soft spot for the Nuggets.

If I remember correctly, he actually has made a few deals with some of the players and is looking to collect. Who knows, maybe a losing streak will send a few of them to him a little sooner than they had thought if you catch my meaning.....

[Enigmatic Harpo Marx]

Re: I Officially Renounce Satanism!

Renouncing satanism is a good first step, but it's exactly that: a first step. Odds are, you won't make it to heaven at this point (just look at my signature) but you are commanded to keep trying to be perfect according to Matthew 5:48, even though it's impossible for anyone but Jesus to be perfect. So keep up the good work, or Jesus will burn you in Hell. Don't push Him. Get Saved™ now before Jesus runs out of patience with you!

"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." Matthew 5:48

Well, I shall do my best though I can't imagine that it is even close to good enough in the eyes of the Lord.

And believe you me, I am already in the negatives when it comes to salvation points so I'm sure Jesus will give me no wiggle room when it comes to sinning. I'm on the straight and narrow from now on.

I'm not so sure. Do you really want to be constantly confused with that red, Harpo Marx, and his Communist Manifesto?

Very good point Sister. I should look into something more appropriate I think.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: I Officially Renounce Satanism!

Is it incumbent upon you to appoint a successor? (As someone else said, "The wages of sin are Death, but the hours are good.")

Or does the post of "Resident Satanist" remain open until a suitable candidate is found by Divine Providence?

I hasten to add that I have no interest in the job; I just want to organize my holidays if there are going to be more primaries...

[Enigmatic Harpo Marx]

Re: I Officially Renounce Satanism!

Is it incumbent upon you to appoint a successor? (As someone else said, "The wages of sin are Death, but the hours are good.")

Or does the post of "Resident Satanist" remain open until a suitable candidate is found by Divine Providence?

In all honesty, I'm as unsure about that one as you are. Hopefully one of the good Pastors can provide us with an answer that coincides with the will of God.

I hasten to add that I have no interest in the job

I wouldn't dream of degrading a True Christian in such a manner.

[Pastor Billy-Reuben]

Re: I Officially Renounce Satanism!

Congratulations, friend. I trust you will be updating the "interests" section in your profile.

Pastor Billy-Reuben

[Sister Lucy]

Re: I Officially Renounce Satanism!

Good members of Landover,

I would like to take this time to officially renounce my belief in Satanism.

Before coming to to this forum, I had never had any reason to question my stance, but for the past few months I have seen every kind of scum pass through here and have had the realization that I was in association with them.

I was sharing the same belief system (non-Christian) with cretins that cannot even spell two letter words correctly.

I find myself wondering, "How can I, in good conscious, believe that Satanism is not flawed when it's members have an average IQ of about 43.7?"

Aside from this, I have observed how eloquently the members of Landover are able to put forth logical arguments and discuss theological ideas (in most cases at least).

After much internal struggle, I have come to the conclusion that I must not only give up the absurd tenents of Satanism but turn to Jesus as well.

I know this is a very big change but I stand resolute in my decision and I sincerely and most humbly ask for your help in this tranformation.

Thank you,

Enigmatic Harpo Marx
(Ex-Satanist)

I must admit this is sad news for me and quite a blow below the belt since I had fun reading your posts. Oh well, to each his own. I hope you'll be very happy with this new life.
I, on the other hand, am sticking with my religious choice. I still hope we can be friends, though.


Farewell,
Sister Lucy

[Sister Noddy]

Re: I Officially Renounce Satanism!

Good members of Landover,

I would like to take this time to officially renounce my belief in Satanism ...

I have come to the conclusion that I must not only give up the absurd tenents of Satanism but turn to Jesus as well ...

Satanists live in a dark pit without the love of God, somewhere so terrible I can hardly imagine it! Go toward the light of Jesus' love instead!

Congratulations, Mr Harpo, and blessings of the Lord! Sister Noddy

[Justina Thyme]

Re: I Officially Renounce Satanism!

Well, this is quite wonderful, but it seems to have happened awfully fast--literally overnight. I know that there are precedents for such miracles, but I'm afraid I must remain a bit of a skeptic for now. After all, satan is the father of lies, is he not? It would be all too easy to simply say, "I renounce satanism" and just continue one's heathen, damnable ways:

Matthew 7:21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.

So, meaning no offense, I shall be adopting a "wait and see" attitude.

[Riki Sparrow]

Re: I Officially Renounce Satanism!

Good members of Landover,

I would like to take this time to officially renounce my belief in Satanism.

That's a pretty big leap from satanist to christian. Are you sure this isn't some sort of prank?

So, meaning no offense, I shall be adopting a "wait and see" attitude.

Me too.

[Seeker]

Re: I Officially Renounce Satanism!

Yippee, I have been praying for you.

[Enigmatic Harpo Marx]

Re: I Officially Renounce Satanism!

Congratulations, friend. I trust you will be updating the "interests" section in your profile.

Pastor Billy-Reuben

Indeed I will Pastor. I cannot say I care for my past interests any longer.

I must admit this is sad news for me and quite a blow below the belt since I had fun reading your posts. Oh well, to each his own. I hope you'll be very happy with this new life.
I, on the other hand, am sticking with my religious choice. I still hope we can be friends, though.


Farewell,
Sister Lucy

I am sorry that this strikes you as a "low blow" but must insist on this making this choice.

I would urge you to do the same but I doubt that my words would not fall on deaf ears. I can hardly blame you, having recently been in the same place myself.

Satanists live in a dark pit without the love of God, somewhere so terrible I can hardly imagine it! Go toward the light of Jesus' love instead!

Congratulations, Mr Harpo, and blessings of the Lord! Sister Noddy

Well, this is quite wonderful, but it seems to have happened awfully fast--literally overnight. I know that there are precedents for such miracles, but I'm afraid I must remain a bit of a skeptic for now. After all, satan is the father of lies, is he not? It would be all too easy to simply say, "I renounce satanism" and just continue one's heathen, damnable ways:

Matthew 7:21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.

So, meaning no offense, I shall be adopting a "wait and see" attitude.

That's a pretty big leap from satanist to christian. Are you sure this isn't some sort of prank?

I completely understand the skepticism, I have been slowly progressing towards this choice for some time though. What may look to you as a sudden change of heart has, for myself, not been so sudden.

I cannot stress enough that I am willing to stand by this choice.

[Nobar King]

Re: I Officially Renounce Satanism!

Your decision shows great strength of character, and should be an inspiration to the other Devil worshippers who infest this site.

[Enigmatic Harpo Marx]

Re: I Officially Renounce Satanism!

Your decision shows great strength of character, and should be an inspiration to the other Devil worshippers who infest this site.

Indeed, thank you Nobar!

I can only hope to stand as an example to the other heathens. There is nothing to be gained from a path such a theirs.

[JennyD]

Re: I Officially Renounce Satanism!

What wonderful news, Mr. Marx!

Perhaps you can start a thread in the Landover Baptist Lounge, Ask an Ex-Satanist, in which you can expose all the lies of those Antionette LaVatorian Santaists like Shyster Lucy.

Lies like:

"Oh, we don't sacrifice and eat babies!"
"Santaists aren't behind the Catholic Church!"
"Freemasons don't run the country, nor do they worship Satan!"
"We didn't create American Idol!"

I must admit this is sad news for me and quite a blow below the belt since I had fun reading your posts. Oh well, to each his own. I hope you'll be very happy with this new life.
I, on the other hand, am sticking with my religious choice. I still hope we can be friends, though.


Farewell,
Sister Lucy

Well, speak of the devil!

How is the ceramic god today, LaVatorian?

Mr. Marx, do you see how selfish Satanists are? Instead of being happy that your soul may be spared eternal torture in Hell, she's sad that she can't read funny posts anymore!

What could possibly have made you think these people were worth spending time with? They don't care a thing for you! We True Christians(tm) are your REAL friends. Our only concern is for YOUR SOUL (and that of everyone else, of course).


Now, are you registered to vote in your state's primary as a Republican? I'm sure you'll want to join Landover in supporting Mike Huckabee, both in the voting booth and in your financial life.

We're so committed to Mike Huckabee, that 10% of all donations sent via PayPal in the month of February are being sent directly to his campaign! So, be sure to donate before Friday to help Huck!