X
Collapse
 
  • Page of 1
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts
Previous template Next
  • #1

    Help me, I am unsaved trash and need landover to save my soul

    Greetings LadoverBaptist, I am Alousicious Ezekiel, I desperately need your help in saving my soul from eternal hellfire and agony.

    I used to read my King James Bible all the time but since Obama took office all my Godly intentions have been swayed by the browns and joos. I am a sinner folks, I have not beat my wife as much as she needed and I have not preached enough about hellfire to the sinners among me.

    Please help this once saved, now unsaved trash...
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Re: Help me, I am unsaved trash and need landover to save my soul

    Welcome friend.
    I take it the allure of one brown eye has had you on the down low for the past four years. Do not worry, Mitts day is coming.
    Tell me, what passage from the KJV did you find enable you and Jesus to have your once close and personal relationship. In what manner did you soil your path to True Salvation©?
    Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
    Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
    Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
    Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
    Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
    Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Help me, I am unsaved trash and need landover to save my soul

      Welcome, friend. The first step to salvation is admitting what you are and being penitent. Find solace in these words from Matthew 5:

      Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.

      Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.

      But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
      Recovering Catholic.

      Helping restore the "bully" to the "bully pulpit"

      Aspiring to be God's Bouncer..

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Help me, I am unsaved trash and need landover to save my soul

        Welcome to our friendly forums!

        The only help you need, friend, is from Christ Jesus, whose sweet Words of Life can be found in the Holy Bible (KJV of course)!

        So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.
        Romans 10:17


        Perhaps instead of reading it yourself, your wife might read it to you. That way she'll not be able to escape the wonderful message therein, and you'll be able to hear the Word of God audibly. With faith, you'll have no more need to worry about the colored folk, heathens, and sexual perverts. With faith, you'll be able to move mountains! (Matthew 17:20)

        But we welcome your company if it is to worship with us and praise the wonders of the Sweet Baby Jesus!

        Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Help me, I am unsaved trash and need landover to save my soul

          Originally posted by AlouiciousEzekiel View Post
          Greetings LadoverBaptist, I am Alousicious Ezekiel, I desperately need your help in saving my soul from eternal hellfire and agony.

          I used to read my King James Bible all the time but since Obama took office all my Godly intentions have been swayed by the browns and joos. I am a sinner folks, I have not beat my wife as much as she needed and I have not preached enough about hellfire to the sinners among me.

          Please help this once saved, now unsaved trash...
          Friend, darkies are known liars, yids are known double-talk deceivers. They are both known allies of the dark one... satan; and satan is using them right now to pull you down to hell.

          I have one suggestion to help the lightness shine back in. Where is your wife right now? Cooking, vacuuming, taking care of the children? What I want you to do is sneak up behind her and sucker-punch her right in the pie hole.

          Don't speak. Don't offer an explanation. When she comes to you in tears asking why; hit her again only this time harder. Then go to your easy chair, grab the newspaper and demand a foot rub. Don't speak to her for a month. Christ will guide her feeble thoughts and bring things back to normal. God be with you friend.

          YIC

          Deaner

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Help me, I am unsaved trash and need landover to save my soul

            Hello Brother Christians™ and thank you for the warm welcome. My favorite passage of the bible is:
            When two men are fighting and the wife of one of them intervenes to drag her husband clear of his opponent, if she puts out her hand and catches hold of the man by his privates, you must cut off her hand and show her no mercy.
            Because the Lord states that even if a woman appears to do something in accident, she really has perverted motives and must be dealt with harshly.

            Brother Deaner, I have taken your advise and gave my wife a good wallop, she was very surprised at first as she has grown accustomed to my recent liberal thinking. Then after the foot rub she kinda mouthed off about the right side of her face hurting and needing to go to the hospital so I hit her on the left side of her face and told her that she must go pray for forgiveness for making me strike her.

            After 3 hours of praying I am happy so say she is a changed woman! Thanks brother for your sound advice, Had I not came to the haven of True Christians™ I would have never been able to muster the courage to do what is needed to keep God in my marriage.

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Help me, I am unsaved trash and need landover to save my soul

              Yes, Deuteronomy 25:11-12 is always a good choice. Reminds me of Genesis 16:8-9 and Judges 3:21-22. All fine examples of True Christian™ morality.

              Not that hippie nonsense Democrats are using to make our army gay and to turn our women into sluts.

              Welcome to God's favorite forum!
              5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
              To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
              James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Help me, I am unsaved trash and need landover to save my soul

                Welcome to God's favorite forum. I'm wondering what church you attend? You really haven't told us much about yourself. How old are you? How many sons has your wife produced? What do you do for your living?

                I've never heard of anyone with the family name of Ezekiel, I have to admit.

                If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

                If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

                You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

                Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.
                Who Will Jesus Damn?

                Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Help me, I am unsaved trash and need landover to save my soul

                  You don't need help from this forum. You need help from God.
                  Daniel 9:14 |
                  Therefore hath the LORD watched upon the evil, and brought it upon us: for the LORD our God is righteous in all his works which he doeth: for we obeyed not his voice.

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Help me, I am unsaved trash and need landover to save my soul

                    I attend church regularly at Cleveland Baptist Church in Cleveland, OH. However their liberal leanings and twisted scripture is what got me in this mess of heading for hell so I am ready to switch to a church of True Christians™

                    I am 33 years of age. My wife Helga, which I purchased from a family in Russia at the age of 16, she is 20 now.

                    I have been blessed with 2 sons and cursed with 1 daughter, my only thought is I did not pray hard enough for a male son.

                    I know I am not worthy to be in the presence of such True Godly Christians™ but I hope for one day to cleanse my soul of wickedness and avoid the eternal flames of hell.

                    I have been reading and will continue to read your blessed forums. Thanks again for the warm welcome, I look forward to learning the ways of True Christians™ such as yourselves.

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Re: Help me, I am unsaved trash and need landover to save my soul

                      Originally posted by AlouiciousEzekiel View Post
                      I have been blessed with 2 sons and cursed with 1 daughter, my only thought is I did not pray hard enough for a male son.
                      While they are highly annoying, it is useful to tolerate a limited amount of daughters.

                      Read this for more info on that subject: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN!
                      5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
                      To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
                      James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        Re: Help me, I am unsaved trash and need landover to save my soul

                        Originally posted by AlouiciousEzekiel View Post
                        I have taken your advise and gave my wife a good wallop... , Then after the foot rub she kinda mouthed off about the right side of her face hurting and needing to go to the hospital so I hit her on the left side of her face and told her that she must go pray for forgiveness for making me strike her.

                        After 3 hours of praying I am happy so say she is a changed woman!
                        Atta boy!

                        Comment

                        Previous template Next
                        Working...
                        X