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  • Blind Faith
    Forum Member
    Forum Member
    • Jun 2014
    • 7

    #1

    Jesus loves me!

    Hello everyone.
    I'm Paul. I hail from a place western Washington State. I have a confession to make, and it is not about my sin. Those stupid Catholics may put their pope before God but I don't. My confession is more along the lines of who I am. Firstly, I am a child of God. But God chose to bless me with the superior intelligence and logic of a man with the diagnostic label of Asperger's Syndrome. For those of you who don't know what that is, I can tell you in a short summation. I am awesome, and Albert Eisenstein was almost as smart as I am.

    That being said, it took me a while to figure out what this site was ACTUALLY ABOUT, but I did figure it out with the help of our Almighty God, and google. The place I'm from is filled with women who deny the superiority of men, liberal douche bags who make laws against me taking my guns into elementary schools (the nerve!) and ignorant deniers of the almighty word!

    I found myself in a dilemma, you see: I have always believed in God. But I had trouble believing the bible. I cannot in good conscious take only a few select words and say they are truth while denying others. For me, I can only believe every word to be true, or none at all. So I have chosen to believe that our infallible lord God put the entirety of his law into the KJV (1611) bible.

    Personally, I think women are too outspoken, and God agrees. It is my duty to beat them into submission of his word. Also, the gays are offensive to behold. We need to cure them of their sinful ways or send them to some other country where the sight of their open gayness does not make me physically ill. Those gays blatantly flaunt their sinfulness and they're causing a moral blight on this country. When I have children, I wouldn't want them to think that it is ok for them to display such depravity. I wouldn't want to beat them any more than necessary, see?

    I would like to consider moving to Freehold, and finding a Good Christian woman who knows her place. Ideally, She would bear me twelve sons who could propagate our beliefs. If I'm unfortunate enough to have any daughters, then I would be willing to trade them straight across for yours. It seems in Freehold, I could have a wife who would know better than to object to her twice weekly beatings, in addition to her regular punishment for being the origin of sin.

    It would seem that our interests align, and God willing, we will have much to discus concerning the state of the world today. I would love to hear from you all, tell me what you think of my introduction. Also, if any of your daughters are of marriageable age then tell me what you might offer to me in terms of dowry were I to take her as my bride.
  • Blind Faith
    Forum Member
    Forum Member
    • Jun 2014
    • 7

    #2
    Re: Jesus loves me!

    And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me, but walk contrary unto me;

    Then I will walk contrary unto you also in fury; and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins.

    And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.

    And I will destroy your high places, and cut down your images, and cast your carcases upon the carcases of your idols, and my soul shall abhor you.

    Leviticus 26:27-30 My favorite

    Comment

    • John Creeser
      Warning: In case of Rapture, this account will be unmanned.
       
      • Aug 2009
      • 7248

      #3
      Re: Jesus loves me!

      Greetings in Christ, Blind Faith. Thank you for taking the time to properly introduce yourself. While God has smote you with the assburgers, it seems you are intelligent enough to read the banner above on how to properly introduce yourself.

      I see we both share a disdain for wafer munching papist scum, that makes me cautiously optimistic.

      Tell me, I hope you just wouldn't beat your wife for the fun of it. Last time Abigail took a beating, was when I found her sneaking into the kitchen while she was supposed to be in her menstra-hut and out of the house for 7 days, as scripture demands;

      Leviticus 15:19-30

      19 And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even.

      20 And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean.

      21 And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

      22 And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

      23 And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even.

      24 And if any man lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean.

      25 And if a woman have an issue of her blood many days out of the time of her separation, or if it run beyond the time of her separation; all the days of the issue of her uncleanness shall be as the days of her separation: she shall be unclean.

      Do you know how much bleach I had to buy?

      True Christian™ men only beat their wives if they have done something wrong in the eyes of the Lord.
      -Every young man's battle - PORN AND MASTURBATION![/SIZE]
      -DISOWN your ATHEIST children - just like this good mother did!!

      -FINALLY!! Some rights for the rapists!!
      -There is no such thing as animal abuse!!
      -Pregnancy through RAPE is a GIFT from God
      -Keep the Fags out of the Boy Scouts!!
      -WIVES!! Stay in your abusive relationship!

      STOP, DROP & ROLL DOESN'T WORK IN HELL!!!!


      Comment

      • Blind Faith
        Forum Member
        Forum Member
        • Jun 2014
        • 7

        #4
        Re: Jesus loves me!

        Oh no, I wouldn't beat my spouse simply for the fun of it. Only as the lord commands do I obey. When she looks upon a negro with lust, or when she partakes in the sin of talking whilst in church, I would use the lord God's tool of pain to show her the error of her sinful ways. The way I figure, she will break the commandments twice or more each week. I wouldn't be a good husband or a good Christian if I allowed her transgressions to go unpunished. And the curse of assburgers is detrimental to me truly, but with the strength of the lord I am able to overcome! I read through many postings before I realized the TRUE NATURE of this forum, and your Godly Church, all because of this cursed affliction. I feel like I might have caught on sooner if that wasn't the case. But regardless, I am here to join in on the fun! Based on my observations, I am not the only person who didn't get it right away. It could be worse, I could be one of the Heathens. Thank you brother for the warm welcome. May you walk with Christ always.

        Comment

        • Cranky Old Man
          Trying to out-Methuselah Methuselah
          You kids get off his lawn!
           
          • Jan 2010
          • 22379

          #5
          Re: Jesus loves me!

          Welcome to God's favorite forum!

          Please note only True Christians(tm) are allowed to live in Freehold. We do have visitor passes for Mexicans who unclog our toilets. With their bare hands of course. If God wanted them to use plungers, He would have mentioned those in the Bible.
          5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
          To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
          James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

          Comment

          • Naomi Ruth Lamb
            True Christian™
            True Christian™
            • Nov 2013
            • 999

            #6
            Re: Jesus loves me!

            It is glorious that you quickly discovered the true nature of this forum, which is to praise our LORD JESUS CHRIST and magnify His Name at all times. Truly Jesus is coming soon, and we must labor while it is still light, for the darkness of the Great Tribulation will soon descend. We must "bring in the sheaves" so that when we all cast our crowns at Jesus feet, there will be millions of crowns, honoring our Savior and displaying to Him our gratitude and love.

            Praise God for the harvest He is sending us! Are you a married man? I am unmarried.

            Is JESUS the most important thing in your life? What about our Glorious Savior causes the hair on the back of your neck to tingle with excitement at His Touch?

            In Service to Him,
            NRL
            1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
            Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
            Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
            Locations in 50 States and Canada
            !Voted Best Pie in Freehold!
            Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
            Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.

            Comment

            • Faith_Machine
              Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
              True Christian™
              • Mar 2011
              • 10050

              #7
              Re: Jesus loves me!

              Be careful Naomi, as there is evidence that autism spectrum disorders such as Aspbergers are hereditary.

              I hate to say it, but I'd feel more comfortable with our new friend if he was neutered.
              WARNING:
              In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
              REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

              Comment

              • Blind Faith
                Forum Member
                Forum Member
                • Jun 2014
                • 7

                #8
                Re: Jesus loves me!

                Originally posted by Naomi Ruth Lamb View Post
                It is glorious that you quickly discovered the true nature of this forum, which is to praise our LORD JESUS CHRIST and magnify His Name at all times. Truly Jesus is coming soon, and we must labor while it is still light, for the darkness of the Great Tribulation will soon descend. We must "bring in the sheaves" so that when we all cast our crowns at Jesus feet, there will be millions of crowns, honoring our Savior and displaying to Him our gratitude and love.

                Praise God for the harvest He is sending us! Are you a married man? I am unmarried.

                Is JESUS the most important thing in your life? What about our Glorious Savior causes the hair on the back of your neck to tingle with excitement at His Touch?

                In Service to Him,
                NRL
                Yes! Praise to the Almighty for he has blessed us truly. Ephesians 1:3

                I am as yet unmarried, but that will change. 1 Corinthians 7:2

                Originally posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
                Welcome to God's favorite forum!

                Please note only True Christians™ are allowed to live in Freehold. We do have visitor passes for Mexicans who unclog our toilets. With their bare hands of course. If God wanted them to use plungers, He would have mentioned those in the Bible.
                Thanks you for the kind welcome sir! I am truly blessed to be here. Proverbs 27:17

                Originally posted by Faith_Machine View Post
                Be careful Naomi, as there is evidence that autism spectrum disorders such as Aspbergers are hereditary.

                I hate to say it, but I'd feel more comfortable with our new friend if he was neutered.
                Ah yes, I have heard that before. Mostly such things are espoused by the heathens. Have you not read John 9:1-3 Exodus 4:11 2 Corinthians 12:10 and 2 Corinthians 12:9?

                I have read nothing so far that concerns the neutering of a man such as I. It is true that there is a link between Autism Spectrum Disorders and genes, but that link also exists with the mercury adjuvants in vaccines, the chemicals in those unholy chem trails, and also the mood altering drugs given to the mother during pregnancy.

                Truly, Assburgers is a curse unto me. This I will not deny. The hardships of social communication are, at times, insurmountable. That being said, it is also a blessing. Many great people had this same affliction. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of...trum_disorders

                I am in the company of Albert Einstein, and others, without whom the world would be a much worse place. Besides, I am tall and strong, smart and healthy. My genes are good and the blessings of my affliction are many. Were I to have sons that were like me, they could grow to be famous and even change the world. They could invent a great many things that we could make a lot of money from, and that money could support very large families.

                That being said, I can understand your views. But I do not agree. I would agree with you, perhaps, if you had some scripture to persuade me.

                Yours in Christ -Paul

                PS I think we should neuter only those on the who lack intelligence, the retards. Clearly, I am not one of them. Praise the Lord God Almighty!

                Comment

                • Mother Of Seven
                  True Christian™ with a quiverful
                  • Jan 2014
                  • 2243

                  #9
                  Re: Jesus loves me!

                  Originally posted by Faith_Machine View Post
                  Be careful Naomi, as there is evidence that autism spectrum disorders such as Aspbergers are hereditary.

                  I hate to say it, but I'd feel more comfortable with our new friend if he was neutered.
                  Are you related to him, Brother Faith? Is he your blind brother?

                  Comment

                  • Mother Of Seven
                    True Christian™ with a quiverful
                    • Jan 2014
                    • 2243

                    #10
                    Re: Jesus loves me!

                    Originally posted by Blind Faith View Post
                    I am in the company of Albert Einstein, and others,
                    I wouldn't be bragging about having anything in common with that duplicitous joo.

                    Comment

                    • Pastor Ezekiel
                      Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
                       
                      • Sep 2006
                      • 78556

                      #11
                      Re: Jesus loves me!

                      Originally posted by Blind Faith View Post
                      I think we should neuter only those on the who lack intelligence, the retards. Clearly, I am not one of them. Praise the Lord God Almighty!
                      You might just be a good actor....
                      Who Will Jesus Damn?

                      Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                      Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                      Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                      Comment

                      • Mary Etheldreda
                        Gushing for Jesus
                         
                        • Sep 2011
                        • 23775

                        #12
                        Re: Jesus loves me!

                        Originally posted by Blind Faith View Post
                        I have read nothing so far that concerns the neutering of a man such as I. It is true that there is a link between Autism Spectrum Disorders and genes, but that link also exists with the mercury adjuvants in vaccines, the chemicals in those unholy chem trails, and also the mood altering drugs given to the mother during pregnancy.
                        Welcome to our friendly forums! I would encourage you to find that root-sin in you life, the one keeping you from Jesus' saving grace, and confess it. Call on the elders of the church to pray over you, and anoint you with oil in the name of the Lord. Landover Baptist has a crack squad of Prayer Warriors who are always read to help defeat the devil and enlist one more man into the army of the Lord (Joel 2:11). We can set up a tithing schedule for you, with an appropriate down payment to take care of the initial expenses of the ass burger demons you know. Contact Cookie in the main office to give her your bank account information and she'll start the transfer of funds. There's no reason to be afflicted with the stain of sin, when you can instead be perfect (Leviticus 11:45)!


                        Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church;
                        and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:
                        15 And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up;
                        and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him.
                        Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.
                        The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth
                        James 5:14-16
                        Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

                        Comment

                        • Faith_Machine
                          Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
                          True Christian™
                          • Mar 2011
                          • 10050

                          #13
                          Re: Jesus loves me!

                          Originally posted by Mother Of Seven View Post
                          Are you related to him, Brother Faith? Is he your blind brother?
                          No, sadly, I am an only child. Anyway, I don't know how this retarded fellow could be reading our forum if he's blind. Maybe he has some kind of Google voice thingy? They come up with new inventions every day.
                          WARNING:
                          In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
                          REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

                          Comment

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