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  • ThatOneGuyHolmberg
    Confirmed Enemy of God
    • Aug 2014
    • 42
    #1

    I'm sorry

    I acted foolish. I tried to defy you, and you hit me low. I want to take back everything I said, because it was in an ignorant adolescent rage. Instead of fighting against you, I want to start anew. I want to accept Jesus into my heart, and make amends with you people. I want to specifically apologize to those who I directly insulted. It was wrong, and I should not have. I want to apologize to Pastor Ezekial, for I directly defied him, although he was simply trying to preach the word of god. I want to apologize to Mary Etheldreda, for I offended her with false slander. I want to apologize to God above, for I have denied his existence for 14 years. Everything that I have said is true to the letter, and I hope you take it to heart. I hope that you can find it within yourself to forgive me, and I hope that I can make up my negative past to God.

    Yours Truly,
    ThatOneGuyOverThere
    Tags: None
    • Jedediah
      True Christian™ Creation Scientist
      Fisher of Men
      True Christian™
      • Feb 2010
      • 6824
      #2
      Re: I'm sorry

      Truly, there is rejoicing in Heaven at this moment.

      Luke 15:8-10
      Either what woman having ten pieces of silver, if she lose one piece, doth not light a candle, and sweep the house, and seek diligently till she find it?
      And when she hath found it, she calleth her friends and her neighbours together, saying, Rejoice with me; for I have found the piece which I had lost.
      Likewise, I say unto you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner that repenteth.


      Tell us, friend, in what ways do you plan to bring Glory to the Kingdom?
      II Thessalonians 1:7-9
      And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels,
      In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ:
      Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power
      The man who is being progressively sanctified will inescapably sanctify his home, school, politics, economics, science, and all things else by understanding and interpreting all things in terms of the Word of God and by bringing all things under the Dominion of Christ the King. -R.J. Rushdoony

        Comment

        • ThatOneGuyHolmberg
          Confirmed Enemy of God
          • Aug 2014
          • 42
          #3
          Re: I'm sorry

          Originally posted by Jedediah View Post
          Tell us, friend, in what ways do you plan to bring Glory to the Kingdom?
          I'm going to start by undoing all the wrongs I've done. I owe that much and so much more to the people of the world and Jesus christ. After that, I'm going to read the bible cover to cover. I have to know the word if I want to spread his message!

            Comment

            • Pastor Ezekiel
              Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
               
              • Sep 2006
              • 78556
              #4
              Re: I'm sorry

              Can somebody please shout GLORY for me? Shout it now for Jesus GLORY!!!!

              Now then, please tell us about yourself, your church, and how you came to find Jesus. No more lies or defiance. Spill your sins here and now, boy.

              And if you're here to flame us, better take a look at THIS before making an even bigger ass out of yourself.

              I will pray that the Holy Spirit enter you and chase the demons out of your rectum and let Jesus fill you with His Grace. If you use your God-given free will to reject Christ and His temporary death on the cross for my sins, then you are sending yourself to hellfire.

              If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

              If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

              You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

              Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.
              Who Will Jesus Damn?

              Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

              Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

              Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                Comment

                • Witch Hammer
                  True Christian™
                  True Christian™
                  • Sep 2006
                  • 1717
                  #5
                  Re: I'm sorry

                  Originally posted by ThatOneGuyHolmberg View Post
                  I'm going to start by undoing all the wrongs I've done.
                  You cannot undo the evil that you have already wrought in the devil's name...but here's the good news: accept Jesus' free* gift of salvation and all your misdeeds will simply be forgotten...at least by Him, and who else matters? NO ONE!!

                  So go now, and sin no more!

                  *terms and conditions apply. consult your KJV 1611 for details.

                    Comment

                    • ThatOneGuyHolmberg
                      Confirmed Enemy of God
                      • Aug 2014
                      • 42
                      #6
                      Re: I'm sorry

                      Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
                      Now then, please tell us about yourself, your church, and how you came to find Jesus. No more lies or defiance. Spill your sins here and now, boy.
                      Right here and right now? That can be done. I am a liar, a deciever, a con, and an evil person. I have unmatched social skills, and am able of the highest level of manipulation. I have done evil things in this world, and have used god's blessing as a tool of destruction. I have singlehandedly brough down Organizations of over 100 people for the sheer purpose of the laughs. I once ruined a girl's life to the point of instigating an AMBER alert. When you look at it, I'm probably one of the most despicabal human beings out there. I mean, I came here to do nothing more than flame you and spam your inboxes. I truly am filth, and I hope that by God's righteousness, I can undo one tenths of the evils I've done. Because without him, I've got a one way ticket to eternal damnation.

                      There. My sins spilled unto you. No filter, no information held back, no lies, and no deceit.

                        Comment

                        • Naomi Ruth Lamb
                          True Christian™
                          True Christian™
                          • Nov 2013
                          • 999
                          #7
                          Re: I'm sorry

                          Originally posted by ThatOneGuyHolmberg View Post
                          Right here and right now? That can be done. I am a liar, a deciever, a con, and an evil person. I have unmatched social skills, and am able of the highest level of manipulation. I have done evil things in this world, and have used god's blessing as a tool of destruction. I have singlehandedly brough down Organizations of over 100 people for the sheer purpose of the laughs. I once ruined a girl's life to the point of instigating an AMBER alert. When you look at it, I'm probably one of the most despicabal human beings out there. I mean, I came here to do nothing more than flame you and spam your inboxes. I truly am filth, and I hope that by God's righteousness, I can undo one tenths of the evils I've done. Because without him, I've got a one way ticket to eternal damnation.

                          There. My sins spilled unto you. No filter, no information held back, no lies, and no deceit.
                          But are you married?
                          1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
                          Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
                          Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
                          Locations in 50 States and Canada
                          !Voted Best Pie in Freehold!
                          Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
                          Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.

                            Comment

                            • ThatOneGuyHolmberg
                              Confirmed Enemy of God
                              • Aug 2014
                              • 42
                              #8
                              Re: I'm sorry

                              I am fourteen. May I ask why my marital status is relevant?

                                Comment

                                • Naomi Ruth Lamb
                                  True Christian™
                                  True Christian™
                                  • Nov 2013
                                  • 999
                                  #9
                                  Re: I'm sorry

                                  Originally posted by ThatOneGuyHolmberg View Post
                                  I am fourteen. May I ask why my marital status is relevant?
                                  God wants new soldiers for Christ. I certainly hope you plan to marry soon. And most 14 year olds don't speak the way you do, sir. I remain skeptical of your sincerity.
                                  1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
                                  Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
                                  Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
                                  Locations in 50 States and Canada
                                  !Voted Best Pie in Freehold!
                                  Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
                                  Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.

                                    Comment

                                    • Jedediah
                                      True Christian™ Creation Scientist
                                      Fisher of Men
                                      True Christian™
                                      • Feb 2010
                                      • 6824
                                      #10
                                      Re: I'm sorry

                                      Originally posted by Naomi Ruth Lamb View Post
                                      God wants new soldiers for Christ. I certainly hope you plan to marry soon. And most 14 year olds don't speak the way you do, sir. I remain skeptical of your sincerity.
                                      It's less important that young men get married early. Men can impregnate fertile Christian wives well into their 80s. It's the women that we need to get married, pregnant, and put to work in the kitchen from an early age. Women's ovaries dry up like grapes on the vine sometime in their 30s, which only allows for about two dozen litters tops, rendering their God-given purpose in life completely used up, although we do need a few dried up old prunes around to perform menial tasks like church secretary or nursery attendant. I'm not advocating that we send them to the glue factory upon becoming infertile. No, not at all.

                                      I don't plan to put any pressure on my boys to get married until they're about 17 or so.
                                      II Thessalonians 1:7-9
                                      And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels,
                                      In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ:
                                      Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power
                                      The man who is being progressively sanctified will inescapably sanctify his home, school, politics, economics, science, and all things else by understanding and interpreting all things in terms of the Word of God and by bringing all things under the Dominion of Christ the King. -R.J. Rushdoony

                                        Comment

                                        • ThatOneGuyHolmberg
                                          Confirmed Enemy of God
                                          • Aug 2014
                                          • 42
                                          #11
                                          Re: I'm sorry

                                          Originally posted by Naomi Ruth Lamb View Post
                                          I remain skeptical of your sincerity.
                                          You wouldn't believe how many times I've heard that. I truly am 14 years of age, and I meant every word I've said.

                                            Comment

                                            • Naomi Ruth Lamb
                                              True Christian™
                                              True Christian™
                                              • Nov 2013
                                              • 999
                                              #12
                                              Re: I'm sorry

                                              Brother Jedediah, you handsome thing!

                                              I am so sorry to misinterpret our Lord's desire to have soldiers for Christ as being the responsibility of the male! Certainly we as the bearers of the ovens in which future soldiers are wholesomely prepared makes women hold a far greater share of the responsibility.

                                              I ask the forgiveness of the church and of Mr. Holmberg. Tonight I shall pray that God sends the Holy Ghost to teach me even more about the role of women as I study the Holy Scriptures before bed.

                                              In Jesus,
                                              NRL
                                              1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
                                              Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
                                              Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
                                              Locations in 50 States and Canada
                                              !Voted Best Pie in Freehold!
                                              Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
                                              Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.

                                                Comment

                                                • Mary Etheldreda
                                                  Gushing for Jesus
                                                   
                                                  • Sep 2011
                                                  • 23775
                                                  #13
                                                  Re: I'm sorry

                                                  Originally posted by ThatOneGuyHolmberg View Post
                                                  I acted foolish. I tried to defy you, and you hit me low. I want to take back everything I said, because it was in an ignorant adolescent rage. Instead of fighting against you, I want to start anew. I want to accept Jesus into my heart, and make amends with you people. I want to specifically apologize to those who I directly insulted. It was wrong, and I should not have. I want to apologize to Pastor Ezekial, for I directly defied him, although he was simply trying to preach the word of god. I want to apologize to Mary Etheldreda, for I offended her with false slander. I want to apologize to God above, for I have denied his existence for 14 years. Everything that I have said is true to the letter, and I hope you take it to heart. I hope that you can find it within yourself to forgive me, and I hope that I can make up my negative past to God.

                                                  Yours Truly,
                                                  ThatOneGuyOverThere

                                                  GLORY! PRAISE! HALLELUJAH!!!!



                                                  Likewise, I say unto you,
                                                  there is joy in the presence of the angels of God
                                                  over one sinner that repenteth.
                                                  Luke 15:10



                                                  Son, I forgive you for your sins against me, and I join the angels in Heaven as they rejoice the happy news that one more sinner has been convicted of the depths of his offensive, disgusting sinful life! I will pray for you to be sincere in your confession, to be genuine in your repentance. I will pray that you know truly how deeply you've horrified and disgusted the LORD lo these 14 years of your existence! May you ever be grateful for the free gift of Salvation, and may you respond appropriately so you too can join us in Heaven for all eternity as we sing the Praises of Jesus Christ, and sit in perfect comfort and humor! I pray you will one day join us as we join the Sweet Redeemer watch and laugh at the sinners who refused to take this simple step you did (Psalms 2:4)!
                                                  Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

                                                    Comment

                                                    • Pastor Ezekiel
                                                      Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
                                                       
                                                      • Sep 2006
                                                      • 78556
                                                      #14
                                                      Re: I'm sorry

                                                      Originally posted by ThatOneGuyHolmberg View Post
                                                      Right here and right now? That can be done. I am a liar, a deciever, a con, and an evil person. I have unmatched social skills, and am able of the highest level of manipulation. I have done evil things in this world, and have used god's blessing as a tool of destruction. I have singlehandedly brough down Organizations of over 100 people for the sheer purpose of the laughs. I once ruined a girl's life to the point of instigating an AMBER alert. When you look at it, I'm probably one of the most despicabal human beings out there. I mean, I came here to do nothing more than flame you and spam your inboxes. I truly am filth, and I hope that by God's righteousness, I can undo one tenths of the evils I've done. Because without him, I've got a one way ticket to eternal damnation.

                                                      There. My sins spilled unto you. No filter, no information held back, no lies, and no deceit.
                                                      How many times a day do you spank your monkey? What Church does your daddy take you to? Because I want to call your Pastor to make sure you get punished in a Christian way.
                                                      Who Will Jesus Damn?

                                                      Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                                                      Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                                                      Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                                                        Comment

                                                        • ThatOneGuyHolmberg
                                                          Confirmed Enemy of God
                                                          • Aug 2014
                                                          • 42
                                                          #15
                                                          Re: I'm sorry

                                                          Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
                                                          How many times a day do you spank your monkey? .
                                                          May I please ask you to elaborate? I'm afraid that I don't understand the meaning of your statement, pastor.

                                                            Comment

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