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  • #1

    Last Febuary 14th...

    Our Sunday services were over and I was shaking hands with an attractive lady parishoner--using my two-handed "Pastor Pump" Hand Shake© --when she mentioned that it was close to Valentine's Day and asked me if I "had a heart on."

    That night I awoke at 3 AM drenched in sweat and crying out for the Lord.
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  • #2
    Re: Last Febuary 14th...

    You do not tell us the age and status of the parishioner, nor your own age and marital status. Neither do you mention if the “heart” of which she spoke is some sort of graven image or a button of some sort, nor do you state where her eyes were cast at the moment of her utterance.

    I am going to assume that she is single, a virgin, is not above 30 years of age and is of solid Christian lineage. If this is so, she is clearly in urgent need of your personal attention that will lead to a prolonged and forceful ministering to rid her of the associations of the 14th of February.

    Do not flinch from your task, take strength in The Lord and recall that Christ never said that it would be an easy path.
    sigpic


    “We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

    Author of such illuminating essays as,
    Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Last Febuary 14th...

      Originally posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
      You do not tell us the age and status of the parishioner, nor your own age and marital status. Neither do you mention if the “heart” of which she spoke is some sort of graven image or a button of some sort, nor do you state where her eyes were cast at the moment of her utterance.

      I am going to assume that she is single, a virgin, is not above 30 years of age and is of solid Christian lineage. If this is so, she is clearly in urgent need of your personal attention that will lead to a prolonged and forceful ministering to rid her of the associations of the 14th of February.

      Do not flinch from your task, take strength in The Lord and recall that Christ never said that it would be an easy path.
      Thank you, Brother, and God's graces to you.

      After a period of feverish prayer I have taken on the burden of putting on the Whole Armor of God and becoming a regular-scheduled mentor to this young woman. She may be saved yet.

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Last Febuary 14th...

        Originally posted by Rev. Wendell Wooke View Post
        Thank you, Brother, and God's graces to you.

        After a period of feverish prayer I have taken on the burden of putting on the Whole Armor of God and becoming a regular-scheduled mentor to this young woman. She may be saved yet.
        A word of advice: such charming an innocent young ladies have, as a result of an over protective upbringing, a veneer of reticence to accept the True Love of Jesus. I suggest a measured approach, slowly increasing in intensity and fervor and consummating in a final ripping away of the outer layers of false modesty. You will then gain access to her innermost parts of her being where your thrusting points of theology will have the finest mutual effect.

        I find it quite a Godly pleasure when this happens.
        sigpic


        “We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

        Author of such illuminating essays as,
        Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Last Febuary 14th...

          Originally posted by Rev. Wendell Wooke View Post
          Our Sunday services were over and I was shaking hands with an attractive lady parishoner--using my two-handed "Pastor Pump" Hand Shake© --when she mentioned that it was close to Valentine's Day and asked me if I "had a heart on."

          That night I awoke at 3 AM drenched in sweat and crying out for the Lord.


          so... unless the pastor pump is a new sex move im unaware of, you are very clearly gay.

          Comment

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