Who Should Catch the Bridal Bouquet?

[Glendora Christianson]

This is a a common folly at many weddings. The bride accidentally throws the bouquet towards a Divorcée or even worse, a lesbian. YOUR THOUGHTS?

[Nobar King]

Re: Who Should Catch the Bridal Bouquet?

The bridal bouquet is supposed to give hope to the youth of the party. Any old spinsters or divorcees (and lesbos) should be sitting in the back and watching.

Hopefully the recipient of the bouquet is inspired by the thought of marriage and should be less likely to go down the path of homoism.

[SUV]

Re: Who Should Catch the Bridal Bouquet?

This is a a common folly at many weddings. The bride accidentally throws the bouquet towards a Divorcée or even worse, a lesbian. YOUR THOUGHTS?

The Bride should lace the bouquet with hot cayenne pepper, then purposefully throw it towards the divorcee or lesbian!

Of course no one ever invites these Creatures to a Christian Wedding anyway, but it's good to have one of these bouquets on hand should any of the sad-sacks sneak in the door in an attempt at basking in True Christian Fellowship.

Same goes for messicants, the un$avED, cat-lickers, et al.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Who Should Catch the Bridal Bouquet?

Without a shadow of a doubt, the new husband should firmly approach the bouquet holder, take it from her and loudly call for silence. He should then denounce the bouquet holder’s folly in a loud, yet well modulated voice. He should rebuke her calmly but firmly and in front of the assembled multitude (giving Bible chapter and verse where necessary) and ask if she thinks that she has been particularly clever.

A divorced woman, or similar, in these circumstances will be grateful to the man for pointing out her impetuous ways and smile and accept the rebuke without question. This will settle any awkwardness or embarrassment that the multitude might have experienced.

The husband should then return the bouquet to his wife and privately rebuke her for her failure to aim the bouquet amongst ELIGIBLE women – a slap to the head or punch to the abdomen should be sufficient – and then instruct her to see that the custom is dealt with properly.

Once the bouquet has been thrown again and caught by a nubile True Christian lady, the matter will be seen to be completely over and the bible readings, quite contemplation and such jollity as quizzes on being a True Christian can continue as if nothing at all has happened.

[Justina Thyme]

Re: Who Should Catch the Bridal Bouquet?

My suggestion is that a few weeks before the big day, the bride and one or two of her more desperate better-looking bridesmaids get together and practice this move, in the same way in which basketball teams practice their plays. It would also help immensely if the intended receipient(s) would wear basketball sneakers discreetly dyed to match their dresses, both for ease of movement and comfort at the crucial moment.

[Jesussaysslipnotsucks]

Re: Who Should Catch the Bridal Bouquet?

This is a a common folly at many weddings. The bride accidentally throws the bouquet towards a Divorcée or even worse, a lesbian. YOUR THOUGHTS?

This happened to me last summer. It was heartbreaking. I so wanted to catch the bouquet, but instead it went to a TWICE divorced mother of 3 small children

My suggestion is that a few weeks before the big day, the bride and one or two of her more desperate better-looking bridesmaids get together and practice this move, in the same way in which basketball teams practice their plays. It would also help immensely if the intended receipient(s) would wear basketball sneakers discreetly dyed to match their dresses, both for ease of movement and comfort at the crucial moment.

that is a WONDERFUL idea! I second this!

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Who Should Catch the Bridal Bouquet?

Without a shadow of a doubt, the new husband should firmly approach the bouquet holder, take it from her and loudly call for silence. He should then denounce the bouquet holder’s folly in a loud, yet well modulated voice. He should rebuke her calmly but firmly and in front of the assembled multitude (giving Bible chapter and verse where necessary) and ask if she thinks that she has been particularly clever.

A divorced woman, or similar, in these circumstances will be grateful to the man for pointing out her impetuous ways and smile and accept the rebuke without question. This will settle any awkwardness or embarrassment that the multitude might have experienced.

The husband should then return the bouquet to his wife and privately rebuke her for her failure to aim the bouquet amongst ELIGIBLE women – a slap to the head or punch to the abdomen should be sufficient – and then instruct her to see that the custom is dealt with properly.

Once the bouquet has been thrown again and caught by a nubile True Christian lady, the matter will be seen to be completely over and the bible readings, quite contemplation and such jollity as quizzes on being a True Christian can continue as if nothing at all has happened.

Brother Bathfire, your True Christian(tm) compassion wins the day again.

I'll be performing a ceremony at my church this very weekend, and will go over your comments with the bride and groom in advance, to be sure that such issues do not arise.

If the groom is unwilling to slap his bride, I'm more than willing to handle the situation for him. Of course, if he's not manly enough to slap her, I may have to step in for other duties as well!