BIG BROTHER CONTESTANTS WILL NOT BE FLAYED ALIVE

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

I feel that this report is a big disappointment for any hopes for 2010 being a year of Salvation for the Godless UK

BIG BROTHER CONTESTANTS 'WILL NOT BE FLAYED ALIVE'

MILLIONS of people across Britain were furious last night after it emerged this year's Celebrity Big Brother contestants will not beg Jesus for mercy as they are flayed alive over white-hot coals.

As the producers unveiled a Satanic theme for the show's final series, excited TV viewers looked forward to MC Hammer and Stephanie Beacham being slowly pulled apart by snarling packs of giant, three-headed wolves as their desperate screams were drowned out by the raucous laughter of Beelzebub and his army of child-eating goblins.

Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: "I haven't actually watched it since 2002 when I wrote to Channel Four demanding they fill the house with molten lava and they wrote back saying no.

"So when the Satan theme was unveiled I immediately pressed the series link button on my Sky+ box in the hope of seeing some vapid cocksucker being turned inside out by a 20ft tall demon that has the body of a cow and the head of an alligator, while listening to a looped recording of Janet Street-Porter talking about herself."

He added: "I foolishly believed that Channel Four had been struck by a burning shaft of self-awareness and had concocted a deliciously cruel game whereby they would tempt the vain, avaricious and fame-hungry into their lair and then set about them in a manner that would make a CIA rendition centre seem like a long weekend at the Dorchester.

"But it turns out it's just a few scatter cushions and a bit of fancy wallpaper designed to generate some press coverage and one of those Allison Pearson columns in the Daily Mail that makes you want to set fire to everything in the world.

"If I ever get hold of the people who run Channel Four they will soon discover that hell is not other people, it's just me and my collection of novelty blowtorches."

I will be writing to CBS to see if they are willing to adopt this format for any future “Big Brother USA” programs.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: BIG BROTHER CONTESTANTS WILL NOT BE FLAYED ALIVE

And to think . . . I spent good money pre-ordering that season on DVD, so I could show it to Sunday School classes as an example of Hell!

Now what will I show them to teach them about Satan? I only have one other film on order, which we'll be testing on the kids this weekend. The reviews are all overwhelmingly positive:

The Devil in Miss Jones is a terrifying tale of demonic possession. Jones (Georgina Spelvin) attempts suicide, thereby opening the door for Satan to enter her. She seeks out one exorcist after another, calling out for God to help her, begging to be allowed to come to Him. Will she succeed? The thrilling climax will have you shouting for God, too!

[HTannor]

Re: BIG BROTHER CONTESTANTS WILL NOT BE FLAYED ALIVE

Shout Glory, Rev. Rodimer! Your choice in audio/visual presentations will certainly drive home your lessons.

I was recently told there may be other examples that can be used in your classes.

For instance, I'm told that "Debbie Does Dallas" is a refreshing tale of a young female deer lost in a big Texas city and seeks out the assitance of a number of professional football players in finding her way back home.

I've also heard another example would be "Deep Throat". A heart warming story of a young lady with a strange growth in her esophogus seeking out treatments that will lead to pleasurable experiences that get her mind off mundane daily issues. She is assisted in her quest by a young doctor who shows her relaxation techniques.

I love happy endings in movies.