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I can now announce the latest winner of the Landover Award for Excellence in Businesses for Jesus – a prestigious award presented by Pastor Zeke personally to businesses in the Landover area that make a substantial contribution to the promulgation of God’s Word.
To win is not merely a matter of pouring wealth by way of Tax-Free donations to Landover, nor by demonstrably furthering True Christianity™, nor simply “by works”( Romans 9:11, Galatians 2:16) but showing the idea that “by faith alone” is God served.
This faith is shown when the business becomes profitable for this is a sign from God and of His Approval.
This year’s Award went to Zebulun Bathfire for his contribution to diversity, employment, the “trickle-down” effect, multiculturalism, boost to the local (and soon to be national) economy and race relations.
Zebulun sat down and thought hard about what was required. We know that the Blessed George Dubbya, the last decent president we had, was strong on diversity: he thought beyond the box and rightfully stated the case when he said “I think we agree, the past is over. ” The bad old days of minorities having the worst jobs (except Jews) need to be put behind us.
With this thought, Zebulun founded
The idea is simple and effective but is, in its present form patentable. Any ethnic type can register himself with MEO for a weekly fee of $10. As soon as a call comes in from a business that finds itself with adverse publicity through accusations of operating some sort of “whites only” policy, MOE steps in and send round a representative selection of minorities, carefully mathematically calculated so as to put the figure way beyond any criticism, and then when all the fuss has died down (most of these things are a nine-day wonder) the Darkies, disabled, Asians, gays, lesbians, mentally beset by demons, gingers, left-handers, Pacific Islanders, injuns, etc., etc, are withdrawn.
However, the scheme is even better than this – for $10 a day per individual minoritist, a firm can "enter" them on their payroll – they pay “Minorities for Every Occasion” say $2,000 a week and “Minorities for Every Occasion” repays them $1,950 a week. So, say some firm of lawyers feels the heat of an accusation from the liberal media of never having had a lesbian darkie with the palsy on the payroll since 1800, they can simply point to Letisha Birdsong and her “partner” Denise.
But it does not stop there. How often have you thrown a party at which all of the guests are white? Pretty much all the time, I would say if you were anything like me. And so when you say, “I’m not racist, some of my friends are quite black/disabled/gay/democrat/and catholic” it sounds quite hollow, although you really aren’t racist.
That problem is over. Use “Minorities for Every Occasion” and they are as good as their name – several minorities will appear at parties (they are all insured against theft and damage and are regularly checked for drugs and criminal record.) They are ready to say what a great person you are and throw in a few stories. Think of it: a wheelchair-bound gay who will entertain the women-folk; an injun with rheumatism; a Darkie who says he’s Catholic, all on your side.
But hold on! What about that party? What if you want a matching set of fat Momma nigresses to busy themselves cooking and cleaning dressed in black and white, a slant personal man-servant, an Armenian gardener (very much in demand since the Kardashians), the Darkie chauffeur, but you only want them “by the day or week”? Who you gonna call? “Minorities for Every Occasion”!
OK. You are going to make a presentation or giving a public speech. Who’s up there sitting at the long table with you? Whose going to introduce you as "My old friend <insert your name>" Well, at the moment, there’s you, a Landover representative, the Police Chief, a few assorted dignitaries… but where’s the Bi-sexual Eskimo, the one-legged Muslim, the Ginger with psoriasis, the black Autistic? What is it going to look like? White men congratulating White men… Are you serious about donations from everyone in the community? Votes in red-lined areas? Profits from your ideas? Unity in your support for anything?
Who you gonna call?
The rates are reasonable considering the kudos your going to get and the law-suits and bad publicity you’re going to avoid.
“Minorities for Every Occasion” is a serious business and does not recommend hiring more than one or two of the characters for a public address. (Some fight amongst themselves and others’ deformities can be quite distracting, but that is why Zebulun is there to help advise and guide)
Let’s take the examples of the Bi-sexual Eskimo, the one-legged Muslim, the Ginger with psoriasis, the black Autistic above (All can be had with or without stutters, twitches, and/or incontinence.)
Add $50 per day for most other “defects” or $100 for the really serious customer. Zebulun even has one guy from Kyrgyzstan with liberal views in an Iron-Lung!!! (Price on application - you must have an AC power supply.)
These are introductory prices and exclude all state taxes.
The presentation to Zebulun will take place in Nehimiah Hall, Landover next Tuesday at 8 pm sharp - formal dress. Zebulun has chosen some of his “stars” to take up various positions: audience members, on the board, catering staff, “old friends”, etc. etc. I suggest you come along, for if you do, you’ll feel confident introducing your credentials to strangers with such words as
PS, if you know anyone with outstanding minority qualifications, let Zebulun know – he’s always wanting to expand his stable. He is particularly looking for a deaf-blind, female Latino but one that can say a few words in English.
To win is not merely a matter of pouring wealth by way of Tax-Free donations to Landover, nor by demonstrably furthering True Christianity™, nor simply “by works”( Romans 9:11, Galatians 2:16) but showing the idea that “by faith alone” is God served.
This faith is shown when the business becomes profitable for this is a sign from God and of His Approval.
This year’s Award went to Zebulun Bathfire for his contribution to diversity, employment, the “trickle-down” effect, multiculturalism, boost to the local (and soon to be national) economy and race relations.
Zebulun sat down and thought hard about what was required. We know that the Blessed George Dubbya, the last decent president we had, was strong on diversity: he thought beyond the box and rightfully stated the case when he said “I think we agree, the past is over. ” The bad old days of minorities having the worst jobs (except Jews) need to be put behind us.
With this thought, Zebulun founded
“Minorities for Every Occasion”
The idea is simple and effective but is, in its present form patentable. Any ethnic type can register himself with MEO for a weekly fee of $10. As soon as a call comes in from a business that finds itself with adverse publicity through accusations of operating some sort of “whites only” policy, MOE steps in and send round a representative selection of minorities, carefully mathematically calculated so as to put the figure way beyond any criticism, and then when all the fuss has died down (most of these things are a nine-day wonder) the Darkies, disabled, Asians, gays, lesbians, mentally beset by demons, gingers, left-handers, Pacific Islanders, injuns, etc., etc, are withdrawn.
However, the scheme is even better than this – for $10 a day per individual minoritist, a firm can "enter" them on their payroll – they pay “Minorities for Every Occasion” say $2,000 a week and “Minorities for Every Occasion” repays them $1,950 a week. So, say some firm of lawyers feels the heat of an accusation from the liberal media of never having had a lesbian darkie with the palsy on the payroll since 1800, they can simply point to Letisha Birdsong and her “partner” Denise.
But it does not stop there. How often have you thrown a party at which all of the guests are white? Pretty much all the time, I would say if you were anything like me. And so when you say, “I’m not racist, some of my friends are quite black/disabled/gay/democrat/and catholic” it sounds quite hollow, although you really aren’t racist.
That problem is over. Use “Minorities for Every Occasion” and they are as good as their name – several minorities will appear at parties (they are all insured against theft and damage and are regularly checked for drugs and criminal record.) They are ready to say what a great person you are and throw in a few stories. Think of it: a wheelchair-bound gay who will entertain the women-folk; an injun with rheumatism; a Darkie who says he’s Catholic, all on your side.
But hold on! What about that party? What if you want a matching set of fat Momma nigresses to busy themselves cooking and cleaning dressed in black and white, a slant personal man-servant, an Armenian gardener (very much in demand since the Kardashians), the Darkie chauffeur, but you only want them “by the day or week”? Who you gonna call? “Minorities for Every Occasion”!
OK. You are going to make a presentation or giving a public speech. Who’s up there sitting at the long table with you? Whose going to introduce you as "My old friend <insert your name>" Well, at the moment, there’s you, a Landover representative, the Police Chief, a few assorted dignitaries… but where’s the Bi-sexual Eskimo, the one-legged Muslim, the Ginger with psoriasis, the black Autistic? What is it going to look like? White men congratulating White men… Are you serious about donations from everyone in the community? Votes in red-lined areas? Profits from your ideas? Unity in your support for anything?
Who you gonna call?
The rates are reasonable considering the kudos your going to get and the law-suits and bad publicity you’re going to avoid.
“Minorities for Every Occasion” is a serious business and does not recommend hiring more than one or two of the characters for a public address. (Some fight amongst themselves and others’ deformities can be quite distracting, but that is why Zebulun is there to help advise and guide)
Let’s take the examples of the Bi-sexual Eskimo, the one-legged Muslim, the Ginger with psoriasis, the black Autistic above (All can be had with or without stutters, twitches, and/or incontinence.)
- Bi-sexual Eskimo, one evening (8 pm to midnight) $250
- The one-legged Muslim, Two day event $375 + food and board
- The Ginger with psoriasis, Three days two nights $450 + meds.
- The black Autistic, A week out of town $1,100 inc. insurance.
Add $50 per day for most other “defects” or $100 for the really serious customer. Zebulun even has one guy from Kyrgyzstan with liberal views in an Iron-Lung!!! (Price on application - you must have an AC power supply.)
These are introductory prices and exclude all state taxes.
________________________________________________
The presentation to Zebulun will take place in Nehimiah Hall, Landover next Tuesday at 8 pm sharp - formal dress. Zebulun has chosen some of his “stars” to take up various positions: audience members, on the board, catering staff, “old friends”, etc. etc. I suggest you come along, for if you do, you’ll feel confident introducing your credentials to strangers with such words as
“Did I tell you the story that my bi-sexual Eskimo told me...”;
“I was speaking to Abdul, I’ve known him for years, and despite the fact that he has only one leg…”;
“Ginger people suffer so much – imagine also having a disfiguring skin condition as well – well, the other night, I was talking with such a person, his name is David, and he told me…”
Of course, you then fill in the blanks with your major point - “Minorities for Every Occasion” is going to be with you all the way and will back you up to the hilt.“I was speaking to Abdul, I’ve known him for years, and despite the fact that he has only one leg…”;
“Ginger people suffer so much – imagine also having a disfiguring skin condition as well – well, the other night, I was talking with such a person, his name is David, and he told me…”
PS, if you know anyone with outstanding minority qualifications, let Zebulun know – he’s always wanting to expand his stable. He is particularly looking for a deaf-blind, female Latino but one that can say a few words in English.
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