Births, Engagements, Marriages and Deaths

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Wang, Holder to exchange vows

Thursday, November 12, 2009 11:56 AM CST

Anna Wang and Caleb Holder, both of Des Moines, announce their engagement and upcoming wedding.

The bride-elect is the daughter of Mica (nee Ballard) of Des Moines and the late Jim Wang.

Her fiancé is the son of Nancy Holder of Joplin, Mo., and the late Dan Holder. The wedding is scheduled for 3 p.m. Saturday 28th at the Landover Baptist Silver Tither Chapel. A reception will follow at the church.

In view of the incidents at her elder daughter’s marriage, Mrs. Mica Wang (ex-Slant) requests that no wild animals be brought to the reception and the consumption of alcohol be kept to a minimum. Mrs. Mica Ballard would also be grateful if all speculation that this a “hastily arrange marriage” is set aside; Anna and Caleb were at a Christian Revival Camp and in separate dorms.

[Brother Enoch]

Re: Births, Engagements, Marriages and Deaths

Um, isn't she a gook?

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Births, Engagements, Marriages and Deaths

Um, isn't she a gook?

Ex-gook please!

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Births, Engagements, Marriages and Deaths

It is with deep sadness that we record the passing to Glory of Amos Forebear, 37, father of 5, brother to 6, cousin to many and husband of Jessica Forebear (nee Bluette) on Thursday last.

Amos died peacefully in his sleep on I35 near the intersection with the turn for Mason City. Many friends recalled how Amos had been the life and soul of the hog-roast earlier that evening and had exceeded the local record for correctly identifying 23 different beers with only one error.

Dirk Paulson, who was travelling with Amos on the fateful night spoke from his hospital bed and recalled the loyal friendship for which Amos was known. In an emotion moment, Dirk recalled Amos’s final words before falling asleep, “Dirk, you my bess’ frien’”

“I don’t think he felt a thing, although I did.” Said Dirk.

Amos was a regular member of the congregation in the Tin Tithers pews at Landover. He had recently made a barbeque from a Wal-Mart trolley and was looking forward to using it.

Our sympathies go to Jessica, who at the time was spending the evening at the Jones’s place in the company of Micah Jones a long time friend who is now comforting her and the children.

The funeral is scheduled for 3 p.m. Thursday at the Tin Tithers’ Chapel; donations are in cash and to Landover Baptist Church Charities.

[SUV]

Re: Births, Engagements, Marriages and Deaths

Mrs. Mica Wang (ex-Slant) requests that no wild animals be brought to the reception

Brother, is this in the literal sense of the Word, or in Mrs Betty Bowers' terminology?

Cousin Cletus-Bob was SO looking forward to attending

[eliot mayfield]

Re: Births, Engagements, Marriages and Deaths

It is with deep sadness that we record the passing to Glory of Amos Forebear, 37, father of 5, brother to 6, cousin to many and husband of Jessica Forebear (nee Bluette) on Thursday last.

Amos died peacefully in his sleep on I35 near the intersection with the turn for Mason City. Many friends recalled how Amos had been the life and soul of the hog-roast earlier that evening and had exceeded the local record for correctly identifying 23 different beers with only one error.

Dirk Paulson, who was travelling with Amos on the fateful night spoke from his hospital bed and recalled the loyal friendship for which Amos was known. In an emotion moment, Dirk recalled Amos’s final words before falling asleep, “Dirk, you my bess’ frien’”

“I don’t think he felt a thing, although I did.” Said Dirk.

Amos was a regular member of the congregation in the Tin Tithers pews at Landover. He had recently made a barbeque from a Wal-Mart trolley and was looking forward to using it.

Our sympathies go to Jessica, who at the time was spending the evening at the Jones’s place in the company of Micah Jones a long time friend who is now comforting her and the children.

The funeral is scheduled for 3 p.m. Thursday at the Tin Tithers’ Chapel; donations are in cash and to Landover Baptist Church Charities.

I remember Amos. It's a shame about that truck. I hope he had insurance, Jessica will need that money. Well, at least Amos is in Heaven.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Births, Engagements, Marriages and Deaths

Brother, is this in the literal sense of the Word, or in Mrs Betty Bowers' terminology?

As far as I can make out, that is her name (I think marriage with the concomitant name change will be doubly blessed for her.)

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Births, Engagements, Marriages and Deaths

We are pleased to announce the birth to Ronald and Honesty Playfaire (nee Oswald) of Jordan’s Fork, Landover, of a baby boy Ronald Jnr on Tuesday who weighed in at 9lb 4oz. The boy child was born at Landover Maternity Hospital at 4:40 am. The father is doing well.

Ronald’s brother Bill said that Honesty had a nasty rip "down there" and as a consequence “Ron will not be doing much for a few months and can give me a hand putting up the new barn.” He added that Ronald Jnr seemed to have a healthy dark complexion, “Probably some Italian blood somewhere.” Said Bill.

Tuesday night at Landover Maternity Hospital was unusually busy. At around the same time, Birdsong MacDonald and Oprah Cantaloupe gave birth to a child too.

Staff were hard pressed to attend to Honesty Playfaire. A nurse noted that this is the second time this year at the hospital that a nigra couple have had a pale, anemic baby and a white couple a “Mediterranean one.”

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Births, Engagements, Marriages and Deaths

Mr Joshua Pickford celebrated his 15th Wedding Anniversary to Rachel (nee Cloudsley)

Below we see the excellent work of the Covenant Photographic Studio on the corner of 4th and Gilead

Mr Joshua Pickford is an office manager for Revelations Insurance Co. He has been there some 22 years and says that he hopes to “work there as long as they’ll have me!”

Mr Pickford told The Freehold Truth and Light that all those 15 years ago, he was worried that there would be no marriage. Rachel left to go to a friend’s house 2 days before the wedding. Snow fell heavily that night and most roads in the area were blocked. The friend was telephoned and had not seen Rachel.

Police (Ofcr. Richards) searched the area in terrible conditions but after 24 hours and in a state of near exhaustion, he reported that she was not to be found in any of the road houses, bars or donut shops.

On the second day, Zerahiah Cloudsley and his boys set out armed against bears and wolves determined to rescue Rachel. They found her safe and well way off the highway near Clear Lake in a cabin owned by John Wells, the son of a close neighbor.

Although obviously disturbed by her adventure, they managed to get her back to the church on time. Rachel married Joshua accompanied by her father Zerahiah and the boys who were still in their snow gear and armed.

John was born 9 months later.

As a slightly sad end to the story, John Wells body was found floating in Clear Lake. Despite the shotgun blasts to his body, the County Examiner, Zacharia Cloudsley found death had been caused by accidental drowning following accidental shooting; John Well’s gun was found nearby.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Births, Engagements, Marriages and Deaths

Many of you may remember the marriage of the Looney-Wardes back in 2005 and their subsequent move to Bedlam House on the outskirts of Freehold. It is with regret that we announce Mr Looney-Warde untimely death at the hands of God on Saturday last.

Mr Looney-Warde had been in an agitated state as he saw much sin in a Godless world and had taken to street preaching. Despite his best efforts, he had felt that God’s Word was not reaching the hearts of the people and had been praying for guidance.

Two days prior to the unfortunate incident, at evening at a prayer meeting, he had told Nathaniel Bauer that God had spoken to him on the way back from Wal-Mart and had instructed him to preach the Gospel according to Mark:16:15:

And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.

Reports from neighbors say that Mr Looney-Warde, dressed in Biblical Robes, had gone to the Forest of Hareth around 3 p.m. to find, preach to and share the Lord’s Supper with a bear, to which he had, the previous day, given the name Elijah.

The discovery of the bloodied raiment, a few chewed body parts and a shredded KJV led to the inevitable conclusion.

Mrs. Looney-Warde had spent much time and money removing electricity from the house and refurbishing it in the Late Gothic style. This is a second tragedy for her; as readers will remember that in 2007 their son, David aged 12 months, refused medical intervention and died of septicemia despite ardent prayers for his recovery.

It is good to hope that Mr Looney-Warde has been reunited with his son.

(In the absence of a body, resurrection may not be assured, a memorial service will be held at Landover Silver Tithers’ Chapel on 27th at 2 p.m.)

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Births, Engagements, Marriages and Deaths

Baby Dies after Being Run Over by SUV


Some of you will recall Anthony Woods who use to own the liquor store at 1277 Corinthians Way but who left after the entire stock ran out. Well, he moved to Colorado but ill-luck dogged him.

A baby hit by an SUV has died as a result of her injuries. On Saturday night, 11-month-old Peyton Garlick was hit by an SUV as her grandfather backed out of the garage at his Orchard Mesa home. The baby was taken to the hospital, and according to the Mesa County Coroner, she died on Monday. The coroner’s report says the baby died as a result of head injuries, and the manner of death has been ruled an accident.

Her grandfather, Anthony Woods, was arrested for suspicion of drunk driving. He’s out of jail on bond. The Colorado State Patrol is recommending Woods be charged with vehicular homicide. He was supposed to be formally charged Thursday, but the DA’s Office says the baby’s death will delay the formal filing of charges. They wouldn’t comment on his charges.

Well, that was almost a year ago. Anthony was fined $50 last week after he showed remarkable remorse and offered this apology to the parents.

[James Hutchins]

Re: Births, Engagements, Marriages and Deaths

That was very thoughtful for him to of baked the cake.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Births, Engagements, Marriages and Deaths

It is with some regret that I have to announce the death of Agnes Dourholding (nee Bywater-Poleman), True Christian and children’s writer.

Only child of Richmond and Diligence Bywater, Agnes was born into a moneyed family in Yewtree County in 1919. Her christening was attended by soon to be POTUS Calvin Coolidge and his future Vice Charles G. Dawes and a Lesson from Isaiah was read by William J. Simmons, Imperial Wizard.

Agnes attended Girls' Latin School, later Boston Latin Academy, and, thereafter, Vassar before its fall into co-educational liberalism. Her entrance was facilitated by a donation of $1.2Million by her father to establish a faculty of eugenics, which was shamefully replaced by an ungrateful liberal dean in 1971.

In 1939, Agnes married Amesford Dourholding of Dourholdings Chemical Weapons Inc. Despite some initial problems following sales of Mustard Gas to Mussolini, the fortunes of the company grew during the war and, by the end had it had expanded to include vivisection, tobacco, radio-active waste disposal and CFCs, which allegedly put the secretive company as one of the most wealthy in the world.

Agnes is survived by 5 Children, 3 sons, and 2 daughters. She died of apoplexy whilst rebuking an itinerant nigra who had found his way on to her property.

As a small tribute to Agnes, I reproduce a page from one of her last book, "Inspirational Stories for Young Christians"

[SayvedByTheLord]

Re: Births, Engagements, Marriages and Deaths

I see in the news that one of the Brit royals is engaged to be married. Apparently the queen has the option to give her a royal title.

The couple has been living in sin for some time, I would suggest the title of whore, or perhaps Lady Whore.

I am sure there will be much debauchery, boiling of beef, etc. in celebration.