Can we please stop with the viscious rumors?

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

This is addressed to all members of Landover Baptist Church, and to an extent, residents of Freehold.

LET'S STOP NASTY RUMORS! Now, I know when a tight-knit community such of ours, usually a couple of loud-mouthed females like to gossip and spread around baseless rumors until just about everybody is thinking something about somebody. I, myself, have not been immune to this backbiting.

Now, it is true that my Ladies of the Lord ministry program (for young ladies 18-24) is currently suspended until further notice and the thread has been removed from this site due to an ongoing investigation by the State of Iowa's Sex Crimes Division, but this would've never happened unless a) some chatterbox broad was saying I was accepting girls under 18 and b) that I somehow was doing illicit activities with them, despite the fact that I am a Godly, MARRIED, True Christian™ pastor. The government would've never even started probing into my ministry if some dames just kept their traps shut!

Also, there is NO, ZIP, NADA, ZERO evidence that I have been embezzling funds from church donations to finance my golf vacations, new cars, and Scotch consumption. First of all, I make well more than enough through my salary here at the church (I recently signed a 2 year contract at $3.5 million a year for my services), and while I have been convicted of embezzlement in the past, everyone who knows me knows I've turned over a new leaf and rededicated myself to Lord Christ Jesus and would never betray the trust of my flock!

So, this thread is for any of us True Christians™ to get what they want off their chest and stop any derogatory rumors being spread against them. How about it brothers and sisters? What is going around being said about you which you are completely innocent of?

[Jack O'fagan]

Re: Can we please stop with the viscious rumors?

My family take in foreign language students to suppliment the household income. I live in a seaside town and they like to come here. I obviously want them to be well behaved and through experience I have found that Scandinavian girls are best. I have noticed lately that we have been getting through a lot of soap, more than you would expect from just one or two extra people in the house. Anyway I decided to put secret surveillance cameras in the shower and toilet areas. I wanted to find out if soap was being stolen. I had hundreds of hours of video to check and it was very tiring.
Anyway one of the girls recently spotted a camera and it caused all sorts of problems.

I was doing my civic duty in trying to stop a thief.

I diverted my eyes when they were soaping up their breasts.

I have absolutely NO idea how some of the clips ended up on Youporn.

Hopefully that is the last I shall hear of this unfortunate incident.

Jack.

[HTannor]

Re: Can we please stop with the viscious rumors?

It is true that I am currently a bachelor and have come to highly value the freedom and independence that comes with my lifestyle.

It is also true that I have a pet sheep named Bridgette. Further, we are so closely attached that I give her special little gifts from time to time. Currently she wears an adorable pink ribbon between her ears.

I have trimmed her tail in such a way that it resembles a wooly knob and can be quite ticklish when she is sitting on my lap while we watch re-runs of Green Acres.


I wish people would please stop the rumor-mongering going on here in the trailer court.

[DDM1985]

Re: Can we please stop with the viscious rumors?

My family take in foreign language students to suppliment the household income. I live in a seaside town and they like to come here. I obviously want them to be well behaved and through experience I have found that Scandinavian girls are best. I have noticed lately that we have been getting through a lot of soap, more than you would expect from just one or two extra people in the house. Anyway I decided to put secret surveillance cameras in the shower and toilet areas. I wanted to find out if soap was being stolen. I had hundreds of hours of video to check and it was very tiring.
Anyway one of the girls recently spotted a camera and it caused all sorts of problems.

I was doing my civic duty in trying to stop a thief.

I diverted my eyes when they were soaping up their breasts.

I have absolutely NO idea how some of the clips ended up on Youporn.

Hopefully that is the last I shall hear of this unfortunate incident.

Jack.

Probably just somebody trying to make you look bad. You say one of them spotted the camera? Maybe, she was trying to get some kind of sick revenge against you. People can be so misunderstanding sometimes!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Can we please stop with the viscious rumors?

If I hear one more rumour about the supposed bear in my supposed basement, and the supposed locking up of my 14 year old Indonesian houseboy in the supposed cage with him, I'm going to get all the high-priced joo lawyers on the Church retainer and send them upon the gossipmonger's head with a vengeance.

[DDM1985]

Re: Can we please stop with the viscious rumors?

Recently, I've had to let my hair grow longer than I'd like - economy and all, - and I have to walk around in sandals to avoid Athlete's Foot (or, so the doctor said). For some reason, people think I'm some kind of hippie! It doesn't matter how I dress - I've even worn a suit, just so they'd see I wasn't a hippie, - they still accuse me of being a hippie. For the last time:

I.

Am.

Not.

A.

Hippie!

[James Hutchins]

Re: Can we please stop with the viscious rumors?

I can vouch for Rev. Osborne. I know every delivery I have made to him was paid in full with cash that was not embezzled. It was always in a brown envelope and always was in his possession when ever I saw him.
Regarding the rumors of a bear on the good Pastors basement, I sincerely doubt it. I have been to his humble home many a time and though I have never been in his basement due tot he wrought steel barred door always being locked, I never once heard a sound that like a bears raucous roar. I did from time to time hear a sound that was akin to kittens in pillows though. Also, I always have seen Zeke's gook houseboy sitting at Zeke's feet when we meet. As far as I can tell, it is always the same one though all slants look the same if you ask me.

Now, I am sure both the good Reverend and the Pastor will be happy to refute all claims that my trucks anything but KJV Bibles. The talk of oriental prostitutes being shipped from San Francisco to NY and Boston is simply untrue as are the preposterous claims that on the return run I have the truck filled with cartons of cigarettes from South Carolina with no tax stamp. Additionally, I have been cleared both times of the deaths of my first and second wives, both of whom died falling in closed off wells on the far edges of my property. Lastly, every one of the men, women and children that work on the Hutchins plantation do so willingly and in full compliance of all state, Federal and OSHA laws. They are not working in indentured servitude, being charged more than they earn for the right to sleep in a chicken coop and eat pig slop. The few people that came forward as complainants were merely disgruntled and not a single one ever appeared at any of the trials.

[Zechariah Smyth]

Re: Can we please stop with the viscious rumors?

I'm getting a little tired of people claiming "the carpets don't match the drapes."



Frankly, it's none of their business.

Yours in Christ,

Z. Smyth

[HTannor]

Re: Can we please stop with the viscious rumors?

I can vouch for Rev. Osborne. I know every delivery I have made to him was paid in full with cash that was not embezzled. It was always in a brown envelope and always was in his possession when ever I saw him.
Regarding the rumors of a bear on the good Pastors basement, I sincerely doubt it. I have been to his humble home many a time and though I have never been in his basement due tot he wrought steel barred door always being locked, I never once heard a sound that like a bears raucous roar. I did from time to time hear a sound that was akin to kittens in pillows though. Also, I always have seen Zeke's gook houseboy sitting at Zeke's feet when we meet. As far as I can tell, it is always the same one though all slants look the same if you ask me.

Now, I am sure both the good Reverend and the Pastor will be happy to refute all claims that my trucks anything but KJV Bibles. The talk of oriental prostitutes being shipped from San Francisco to NY and Boston is simply untrue as are the preposterous claims that on the return run I have the truck filled with cartons of cigarettes from South Carolina with no tax stamp. Additionally, I have been cleared both times of the deaths of my first and second wives, both of whom died falling in closed off wells on the far edges of my property. Lastly, every one of the men, women and children that work on the Hutchins plantation do so willingly and in full compliance of all state, Federal and OSHA laws. They are not working in indentured servitude, being charged more than they earn for the right to sleep in a chicken coop and eat pig slop. The few people that came forward as complainants were merely disgruntled and not a single one ever appeared at any of the trials.

Attestations to verify my veracity are conspicuously absent from your affirmations of the proclivity of others.

[HTannor]

Re: Can we please stop with the viscious rumors?

I'm getting a little tired of people claiming "the carpets don't match the drapes."



Frankly, it's none of their business.

Yours in Christ,

Z. Smyth

Sure thing, good buddy.




(I can't help noticing that you and Hutchins aren't backing me up with the sheep thing.)

[MisterM]

Re: Can we please stop with the viscious rumors?

I would also like to correct rumors about me.

Yes, I was arrested at Thailand. And yes, I was with two under age boys and one tranny. But I was just trying to save them. I do work with all kinds of harlots in Estonia, Russia, Brazil, Thailand etc. They might have been naked when the police entered my hotel room but I was just baptizing them

And all the charges where dropped!

On a side note, I need new laptop, HD video camera, camera, tablet and phone. I gave them to the very nice police chief after he was so hospitable.

By the way, Tannor, does your family come from Wales? Just a thought.

[Lycia The Repentant]

Re: Can we please stop with the viscious rumors?

I would just like to take a moment to say that contrary to what any of you might have heard, just because I've been out of town and haven't shown up at church for a few weeks and haven't been as active spreading the Gospel on this Godly forum AND that I haven't been able to make my tithe this past month because my trust fund ran out, does NOT mean I've been out whoring myself around again.

Frankly, I'm shocked that just because I confided in a few people and let them know my trailer was about to repossessed and I'd have to find some way to raise some money that this horrible rumor would start up.

[James Hutchins]

Re: Can we please stop with the viscious rumors?

Attestations to verify my veracity are conspicuously absent from your affirmations of the proclivity of others.

My attorney, Laslo, asked me to make this prepared statement:

"I would love to confirm my complete lack of conscious knowledge of any unsavory incidents regarding farm animals and the bench but a conflict of interest precludes me from commenting. However, you can count on me on having your back."

On a personal note, I assume you will be attending the shearing in two weeks.

[Wash O'Hanley]

Re: Can we please stop with the viscious rumors?

The rumors around town have gotten out of hand and it's time we addressed them head on. Now as a member of the media elite I am attuned to slander to an extent, but the accusations made about me recently have been completely without base and totally out of line. Frankly, they need to stop, and whoever has been spreading these lies about me ought to be ashamed and get a life.

- I am not, nor have I ever been, a member of NAMBLA. That was a typo on my facebook profile. What I meant to say was that I am a member of the North American Masters of Business Administration Association (NAMBAA).

- I did not vote for Jimmy Carter on purpose: I was tricked.

- I have never consumed the flesh of another human being who did not consent to such activities prior to me doing them.

- I do not have an MBA. I lied about that on my resume and facebook profile and I regret that decision. However I am taking night classes at a local University and should have my membership reinstated to NAMBAA within two years.

- I do not go into men's bathrooms at Wrigley Field, put on a fat suit and women's clothing, act like a sassy southern black grandmother and then harass pre-pubescent boys for entertainment. I thought it was for a commercial but it turned out it was for an internet youtube prank video.

- I did not rob the grave of Vincent Price, exhume his body and currently have it in my trunk. I don't know how that skull or prop from House on Haunted Hill got in there.

Hopefully this clears the air so we can all get on with our lives.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Can we please stop with the viscious rumors?

Even though I am a friendly and popular fellow, my ex neighbor Mrs. Johnson seems to be unable to stop spreading false rumors about me. Those pelvic movements behind the exhaust of my Hummer were because the exhaust pipe was misaligned. I am old so this simply is the most practical way to align an exhaust pipe for me.