New Venue required for All-Candidates Debate

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

As you may have heard, the first all-candidates debate had to be cancelled to overcrowding, as during the rehearsal the security detail concluded that trampling was a serious threat. The Freehold Aerial Survey estimated the crowd number to be "somewhere between the medium to high multitudes, with a low chance of being the mob predicted by Revelation 7:9".

No members of the public were in danger, as the crowd consisted solely of candidates.

Thanks be to Mayor Hold for being such an inspirational figure that everybody wants to be a mayor just like him. And thanks be for the freak clerical error that gave him a ten-year term of office, because these election things sure are a nuisance.

Anyway, top considerations for the new debate venue are:

• Freehold Baptismal Beach and/or sewage treatment facility overflow area, with the incumbents podium at the former lifeguard's chair and the challengers in the shallow end/effluent runoff (depending on rainfall).

• Leviticus Lake Slaughterhouse: The podium for the Incumbent will be in the office, with the challengers in the freezer unit. There will be a special place for vegan candidates in the stick pit, which Freehold Foods promises will be drained.

• David's Gun Range. All 12 of the local gun clubs promise that the challengers podiums will have no live fire, assuming current wind conditions remain unchanged

More to be announced, nominations are welcomed.

[Alejandra Larguez]

Re: New Venue required for All-Candidates Debate

Do not worry, Mr Thurmond. Democrats will present only one candidate. More news to follow.

[Alfred King]

Re: New Venue required for All-Candidates Debate

Do not worry, Mr Thurmond. Democrats will present only one candidate. More news to follow.

Thank you very much for introducing me, Alfred King, as the only Democrat candidate for Freehold! I am certain the call you got from Bill Clinton helped a lot there.

Now that Alejandra Larguez is firmly on my Democrat team all that remains is a fair and balanced debate in which I will totally crush Church money stealing Johny Joe Hold so we can all start making Freehold great again!

[Alejandra Larguez]

Re: New Venue required for All-Candidates Debate

Thank you very much for introducing me, Alfred King, as the only Democrat candidate for Freehold! I am certain the call you got from Bill Clinton helped a lot there.

Now that Alejandra Larguez is firmly on my Democrat team all that remains is a fair and balanced debate in which I will totally crush Church money stealing Johny Joe Hold so we can all start making Freehold great again!

Didn't you get the memo? I suppose they left you out for a reason.
There will be a Democrat primary, Mr King, and you are either in or you are a sock puppet of the Mayor. Your choice.

[Dennis Lukes]

Re: New Venue required for All-Candidates Debate

Yeah, so a bus pulled up at my motel and 23 people got out and rented rooms. They told me they were on their way to Freehold to work on the mayoral campaign. I asked who their candidate was and they told me that all of them are candidates.

Two of them were seen smoking marijuana in their room and are now detained in Podunk Jail indefinitely. The same goes for the two who engaged in homosexual acts. One died in her sleep before she could become the first 110-year-old to win public office. Five wandered off into the woods and haven't come out, and I reckon they never will.

The remaining 13 were somewhat delayed in the morning because all four of their bus tires were flat. Typical faggy big-city Democrats don't know how to take care of machinery properly. Once that was fixed, I told them they were going in the wrong direction, and that they needed to head west. However, I'm sure that once they get to somewhere with Wi-Fi, they'll turn back around and head towards Freehold. They'll probably arrive tomorrow.

Beware Alejandra, they're a formidable crowd. The candidates include: a peg-legged dwarf, a retarded Jamaican negro, a man with three different kinds of cancer, and the first Australian Aborigine to run for public office in the Western Hemisphere

[Alejandra Larguez]

Re: New Venue required for All-Candidates Debate

Your fear campaign will leave you nowhere, Mr Lukes. You are an outsider to Freehold, and yet you talk about a city you have never seen. Do you know that infant mortality here reaches numbers only seen in Nigeria and Cameroon? Do you know that in the personal freedom index, Freehold is in line with Iran and Saudi Arabia?

Come on, we need to start over. Today in the Parade I will tell how we are going to do it.


See you ALL there!