5 Reasons why Freehold pools have no lifeguards

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

1. Lifeguards are perverts. 99% of the time all they do is sit and watch watch wet and near-naked people. We already have lots of people who do that for free.

2. Lifeguards make up unBiblical nonsense like "mouth-to-mouth respiration", an excuse to kiss unconscious people, even if they are married or of the same sex. I don't know for a fact, but a lot of people are saying that next lifeguards will start putting their mouths to other orifices, because "it gets the air there faster".

3. Lifeguards thwart God's will. Drowning people is God's favorite way to dispose of sinners, just ask Noah. While God sends rainbows to remind us that He will not kill ALL of us in another flood, He still kills people this way. notice how as the world gets more sinful, God is raising sea levels, and causing extreme weather events. Obviously this is God punishing rising sin. Do liberals have any alternative explanation of why this is happening?

4. Lifeguards are slandering America's movie industry, claiming that movies and TV misrepresent the signs of drowning, causing huge amounts of children to die as their parents watch, clueless. They have produced propaganda like the below:



Obviously this is not true: if drowning was so boring and un-photogenic, then it would not be God's favorite way of smiting sinners. And why would sinners be "climbing an invisible ladder", as to heaven? They are sinners, if anything they should be crawling down an invisible hole to hell.

5. None of the applicants are skinny enough to fit in the lifeguard chairs.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: 5 Reasons why Freehold pools have no lifeguards

Brother Jeb, Sir, none of my children has ever swum in a pool - so unhygienic - but as you know, we live by the sea, close to the English channel which is a fairly busy shipping lane. My view on the matter is that lifeguards are a totally unnecessary luxury. Any child who, by the age of 3, lacks the faith to keep out of the way of passing tankers and ferries richly deserves his or her fate.

I have not yet lost a child to a watery grave, which I think proves my point? By faith they survive! Hebrews 11:29.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: 5 Reasons why Freehold pools have no lifeguards

Brother Jeb, Sir, none of my children has ever swum in a pool - so unhygienic - but as you know, we live by the sea, close to the English channel which is a fairly busy shipping lane. My view on the matter is that lifeguards are a totally unnecessary luxury. Any child who, by the age of 3, lacks the faith to keep out of the way of passing tankers and ferries richly deserves his or her fate.
I have not yet lost a child to a watery grave, which I think proves my point? By faith they survive! Hebrews 11:29.

Good for you, Sister Joanna. One wonders if all those people who died of AIDS had been in a swimming pool? Lifeguards just don't fit the moral mission of Freehold, IA. If other cities want to parade naked city employees like homosexual meat let them have at it.

[Dana723]

Re: 5 Reasons why Freehold pools have no lifeguards

A friend of mine, Suellen Frogmouth, got pregnant in a public pool. It happened about the time her boyfriend disappeared when we were in the eighth grade. Suellen had a rough time of it, being an unwed mother and all. She put the baby up for adoption, but because no one was sure who the father was (although his ears did stick out like her boyfriend's did and there was that strange business about the red hair...), the child stayed with a foster family who used him as a field hand. Suellen had some kind of a mental breakdown and has been at the local Shady Pines Sanatorium. My sons and I visit her once a week and sing soothing hymns to her until she falls asleep crying. Poor girl.



Anyway, since then, I've avoided public pools and I refuse to let my sons near one.

[Isabella White]

Re: 5 Reasons why Freehold pools have no lifeguards

2. Lifeguards make up unBiblical nonsense like "mouth-to-mouth respiration", an excuse to kiss unconscious people, even if they are married or of the same sex. I don't know for a fact, but a lot of people are saying that next lifeguards will start putting their mouths to other orifices, because "it gets the air there faster".

Good blessed evening to you, Brother Thurmond. All of that which you have shared with us is alarming, but I am most concerned about these details in Item # 2. If a lifeguard has an infectious disease, then he or she could transmit the disease to the person requiring First Aid. But of even more distressing news is that part about how lifeguards could start putting their mouths to other orifices to get air there faster. For one thing, that just does not sound possible and I think it's most likely a lie from the pit of . I mean, how in Heaven's name could blowing in someone's ear help at a time like that? A blessed evening to you, dear Brother. Sincerely, Isabella W.

[James Hutchins]

Re: 5 Reasons why Freehold pools have no lifeguards

I do not know. Anyone ever seen a dead person float by in a river? Sure, everyone has. Floating by. How can a person accidentally drown if they can float?
When people die, it is because of Gods Will.


Consider this:
You're swimming in the river, all proud because your dad took off your floaties. A bass boat comes comes and runs over your gut, causing your body to burst and spray entrails all over the river. You still float!


You're dead
Whether due to your own disgusting sinning or the Lords divine will, you are dead. Instantly your soul begins falling towards the black abyss above Hell. The falling seems eternal as you gather speed and the heat begins to grow. Then you notice a red dot below you growing larger by the second, this is the Lake in the center of Hell. It is the brightest point in Hell therefore it is visible for a great distance. Keep in mind that the farther you fall, the further from Christ you are.
As you gain speed and the flames become apparent you may wonder how you can stop this from happening. The answer is simple. It's too late and you can't, you're doomed. Your soul is damned and it WILL happen. The temperature is now approaching the unbearable limit as your flesh begins to smoulder and ignite and you continue to build speed as you plummet toward the now visible boiling Lake of Fire. You can almost make out individual souls thrashing in the magma with your flaming eyesockets. Soon you will join them, your terror mounts as your screams become gargled with the stench of Hells evil smell. The heat becomes excruciating as you notice your skin peeling away and your bones becoming visible and black. Flaming and screaming in anguish, you splashdown into the acidic brimstone of Satans Lake at around 250 MPH. You are instantly vaporized and reformed as a tormented soul writhing in absolute terror in the deafening depths of the Lake that Burns Eternal. The pain is beyond comprehension as you gnash your teeth so hard they shatter in your mouth. Satan periodically plucks you from the flames to savagely rape repeatedly and casually tosses you to his infernal minions to rip apart and rape at will, only to be reformed and have this scenario repeated...over and over and over, forever.
Is it still funny mocking our mission to Save© your soul? We want you to enjoy Heaven and eternal praise and worship at the feet of our Saviour the Lord Jesus Christ.

Unless you are Saved™ by Jesus Christ and His Holy website and favorite church, Landover Baptist, there is no other way to avoid this.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: 5 Reasons why Freehold pools have no lifeguards

Brother James

Please assure me that you’re going to write a children’s book about this scenario along with a few more so youngsters can better understand Hell and how to get there. You can also include the only way to avoid it.

All too often people think children are automatically headed for Heaven. We as Bible scholars know that when the Bible says sinners are Hell bound it doesn’t make an age distinction. Gives me pleasure to know that I will be sipping wine with Jesus while that 8 year old on the fifth floor who calls me a faggot every time he sees me on the elevator burns in the pit for not repenting to Jesus or me. Christ is faithful. Glory!

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: 5 Reasons why Freehold pools have no lifeguards

Has anyone noticed how the more heathen a place is the more people die in rivers? Take the Ganges for instance, so many cadavers floating around.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW

Can it be a coincidence that the more swimming pools in a town the more likely it is to have a crematorium?

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: 5 Reasons why Freehold pools have no lifeguards

If you drown, God clearly wanted you to drown. This is why I never wasted any money on swimming lessons for my children.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: 5 Reasons why Freehold pools have no lifeguards

Can it be a coincidence that the more swimming pools in a town the more likely it is to have a crematorium?

That's always surprised me, Sister, because you'd think a waterlogged corpse would be quite difficult to burn. I suppose they must dry them out beforehand, but it seems very wasteful of fuel.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: 5 Reasons why Freehold pools have no lifeguards

Has anyone noticed how the more heathen a place is the more people die in rivers? Take the Ganges for instance

I've had a lot to say about India, but I'm not going to go all eco-hippie and complain about pollution there. I mean, people wait in line all day just to see Lenin's corpse, so how bad can corpses be? If we dug up all our graveyards and dumped all the bones in rivers, we after a bit of weathering the bones would turn into nice white sandy beaches for more sinners to drown at, and the real estate we've freed up could be used by Brother Trump to create more of his tasteful casinos.

If this sounds like desecration, let me remind you that the only reason we keep the bones is so that God can find his own on Judgement Day, and since the vast, vast majority of people are going to hell, it doesn't matter what happens to their bones. Of course our True Christian bones can be excepted.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: 5 Reasons why Freehold pools have no lifeguards

If this sounds like desecration, let me remind you that the only reason we keep the bones is so that God can find his own on Judgement Day, and since the vast, vast majority of people are going to hell, it doesn't matter what happens to their bones. Of course our True Christian bones can be excepted.

History confirms this. In Matthew 27:52 many saw the resurrected bodies of those who had died years earlier. It makes sense history would repeat itself.

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: 5 Reasons why Freehold pools have no lifeguards

Ecclesiastes 1:10 Is there any thing whereof it may be said, See, this is new? it hath been already of old time, which was before us.